DP with anxiety/depression - how to you manage?

[thegoodishlife]

Have x-posted in Chat but thought I might get more replies here.

Are there any other "supporters" on this topic?

My DP has suffered with anxiety for years, but has become worse over the last 2. He tends to sink into himself, and constantly complains that he never feels relaxed. He worries about his and our future, and even though he knows the things he worries about are ridiculous, he doesn't know how to stop and they are stopping us from moving forward with our lives - i.e. getting married and having children. I really, really want to help but I seem to end up getting angry or upset, say/do the wrong thing and it makes things 10 times worse. It frustrates the hell out of me, and I don't know what to do.

He's been to CBT last year and it seemed to help - we have been on several weekends away and day trips as well as staying over at friends/families' houses (something we couldn't even discuss a year ago as it would send him into a pit of depression/despair) and none of these things worry him like they did before. I just don't know how to get over this final hurdle, and help him through the final part of his recovery.

I've asked him to go back to his GP and ask to speak to a therapist - not necessarily CBT again but maybe just someone who can talk things through with him in a professional capacity, someone who isn't emotionally involved with everything, but he is reluctant. He tried AD's but they didn't work.

Ok I've written more than I wanted to - I just wanted to know how other couples manage these situations, and I guess to feel that I'm not alone. I don't often post on MN although I am on it every day reading the threads so know how supportive you can all be.

My DH has depression, and we've been living with it for 17 years. The first few years before he was diagnosed were hell. The relief when I finally persuaded him to go to the GP and he was put on ADs was unbelievable.

You say ADs didn't work for your DP - how many different ones has he tried? They are not all the same, and you can go through 3 or 4 before finding one that suits. It is worth trying again.

I want to share with you the one major thing I have learned through all this. Whatever you say or do will be wrong. If you sympathise, you will either encourage him or be accused of just saying that to shut him up. If you try to argue, he will rant at you or you will be accused of not understanding. I grew to realise that the best thing to do was not to say anything until he had almost talked himself out of the particular rant he was on, and he was winding down. Then when he accused me of not listening or not caring, I could point out that whatever I said would make no difference, but I was still there for him and still listening. Once the ADs were working, and with lots of experience, he (and we) is learning to recognise the signs and realise that when he is in the black cloud he is not rational and gets things out of proportion. He knows now that I do understand and do care, and that when I go quiet it is for my own self-preservation. I also used to find in the early days that if it drove me to tears it was something that seemed to snap him out of it as he was so concerned about me crying, but I tried not to do it so he wouldn't think I was using it as a tactic.

It is a truly horrible illness. No-one really appreciates how hard it is until they are in the situation.
You obviously really care about this man, or you wouldn't be asking for help, you'd be heading for the hills. I really respect you for that, although I have to warn you this is for the long haul. Although he may have periods where he is better, the condition is not curable, you just learn to live with it rather than suffer from it. That is much easier with two of you, and much easier for you as supporter if you have people to talk to who have been through it too.

This is just a general post to let you know you're not on your own. Any more specific questions, just shout and I'll do my best to help. Otherwise, I'm here as a shoulder whenever you need one.

my ex has/had depression anxiety.
try orgs like RETHINK www.rethink.org/how_we_can_help/our_services/carer_support.html for carers and try seeing a counsellor yourself.

read depression fallout
anne sheffield www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Anne-Sheffield/dp/0060009349 and see the message board
www.depressionfallout.com/

also interesting is Shoot the Damn Dog: A Memoir of Depression Sally Brampton too for insight... www.amazon.co.uk/Shoot-Damn-Dog-Memoir-Depression/dp/0747572410

it is a long haul thing - if you do have DC together consider how you will cope on your own - eg do you have good support network of family/friends - because there will be times - even if you together - you will have to cope with DC alone if/when he has a low period.

he needs to be the one to have insight into his condition and know what works for him to get out of it - you cannot do that for him. you need to know what your limits are.

i lived thru years of it - my limit was the impact of his anxiety (how it manifested in very scary behaviour) / depression and many other co-morbid issues on the DC.

Hiya, nothing particularly constructive to say.

But I'm in the same sort of boat, DH has severe depression and an anxiety disorder. Seriously long term stuff (been on anti-d's since he was 7, in a psych ward age 13) and it is hard.

So you aren't alone.

Hi, funnily enough I came on here specifically looking for people living with depressed DH's. So I wanted you to know you are not alone! How long have you been together? I know it's harsh but I think you really need to think long and hard about whether you want to get married/have children with someone who suffers from this condition. It sounds like you really love him, but it's hard being with someone who can't really be there for you - and especially hard if you have young children. I am not saying leave him because he's depressed!! But just consider the implications and maybe get some help for yourself. And yes definitely encourage him to go back to the GP.

Mine suffers from anxiety/depression, and has been for years. He has been on anti-D's (Citalopram) which seemed to help but he took himself off them just before Christmas because he was having stomach problems. He also has issues with alcohol and has decided to stop drinking, he is seeing a counsellor for that as well. He told me he is going back to the doc and go back on them - I think that would be a good idea, they do help to reduce the anxiety although they also seem to zombie-fy him a bit too.

To be honest after 17 yrs of marriage I am reaching my limit in terms of coping with it. We were meant to be having a family day out today but DH just wasn't up to it so I have ended up spending the day with the DC's and taking them swimming while he sat at home. I do feel like I may as well be a single parent a lot of the time.

Thanks celavie for those links, I will also be taking a look at them.

Another one with a depressed DH here.

By the way, 17 years of living with a depressed person, wow wow wow. That is amazing vanillacandle you must be so strong. How do you cope? How does your husband deal with everyday life after all that time? Is he able to work? Socialise? What do you do when he is getting into a down period to support him? And to try and prevent relapses?

My husband was diagnosed a year ago, but we now realise he has been depressed on and off since he was a teen. He has been in therapy and on ADs for the past year, and it is beginning to help, but it is tough. He is one of those men that is depressed and self-medicates with drink, which makes it so much harder for both of us to cope with. But he is getting help for that too now. It is so frustrating living with someone with two personalities, depending on whether they are down or not. For him too.

I saw my husband have a anxiety attack the other day in town, which he managed well. He has been taking therapy to help him learn techniques to manage these, by focusing on breathing etc etc. It was quite impressive.

It is hard not being able to do much to help when he is in a down phase, but I recognise the 'whatever you say or do will be wrong' vanillacandle, the thinking patterns of a depressed person in a down phase is so different to when they are normal.

Does anyone know of any online support groups for partners? I find it is so hard to get the support I need from RL family and friends.

My DH was diagnosed with depression a few months ago but I think he has been displaying the symptoms for about a year now. The AD's helped to start with but more recently he has slipped back so I'm currently trying to get him to go back to the doctor.

I have no specific advice to offer but can safely say you are among friends here.

Zoo I don't think I am particularly strong, although I guess you do have to be. We are lucky in that DH has been really active in trying to manage his condition since he was diagnosed. He has been on ADs all the time, and after so long we both know what is likely to trigger an attack, times of year, work etc and we also have strategies to minimise the effects - getting out for a walk in the fresh air, arranging things to look forward to for bad times of year etc. He is also very good at telling me when he is feeling fragile (as if I couldn't tell anyway!), so I can step in and make sure DCs back off a bit, and otherwise take the load off him. I have also got better at standing up for myself when he is in a black rant and telling me I don't understand etc (which is very hurtful). Basically, what gets us through is the fact that we love each other to bits, we pull together in hard times instead of pulling apart, and we are honest with each other. When he says he can't believe that I've stuck around, I tell him that I fell in love with him, he is the same person that I fell in love with, and that the condition is part of the "for better, for worse" - although it is hard, it doesn't change who he is underneath it all.

Teenyweeny I strongly advise a return to the ADs, but get the prescription changed. My DH tried three different ones before he found one that suited and didn't turn his head to cotton wool. They all react differently with different people.

The most important thing though is for him to stop the drink. Alcohol reacts badly with ADs and can end up counteracting their effect. It's OK to have the odd one, or go out for an evening, just not to drink on a daily basis.

Try to do what I do and when you are struggling to cope when he is down, just try to see through it to the man you married and remember it is not him that has changed, he has just got a horrible illness. I know it's hard, and there are times when I've felt as though I couldn't take any more, but it just takes a look, or a cuddle, and I know I could never leave him. I would be far unhappier without him.

Hi Vanillacandle, thanks for your comments. He has already stopped drinking (well, since New Years Day!) and is seeing a counsellor. He is also going to the docs this week, so he is taking steps. The problem is he is very anxious about money as he is setting up his own business and it's a long old haul. But to be honest when he was working he also had anxiety and depression but about different things.

The problem I have is that I feel I have just been giving and giving for so many years - I have given so much that I have no more left to give. I feel like I could just cry and cry, but I don't, I keep on keeping on because what else is there to do? No point both of us being depressed!

I have been looking at the depression fallout website and chatroom and it seems as if focussing on your own life and goals etc is part of the "survival strategy" for living with someone with depression. I am working hard on this at the moment, trying to keep things fun for DC's, and trying to keep my own sanity just by little things like for example seeing a good friend once a week for coffee. The problem is that in doing so I feel as if I am also detatching myself from him. I almost feel like I want to push him away as I can't cope with it anymore, I am just worn out. How do you keep the lines of communication and the love going while at the same time protecting yourself if you see what I mean?

Anyway no easy answers and in the meantime life continues!

Hi Teeny. What you need to remember is that if you stop thinking about yourself altogether, you will end up a gibbering wreck in the corner. You are only any use to him if you are strong, and the way to do that is to keep leading your own life. You have to do things to keep yourself sane, whatever they may be (such as coffee with friends, work, study etc) - "me time" is absolutely vital.

It doesn't mean you are detaching from DH - after all, if he was OK you would still be seeing friends etc, wouldn't you? You need to maintain your own sense of self, and stay your own person. You can still support him when he needs it, but by living a "normal" life of your own it will help him keep a window on reality.

Another thing is not to bottle everything up. If you have a friend or family member in RL you can talk to a bit, have a good cry on them. If not, have a good cry on your pillow and then come and talk to us. You have to let out the frustration. I have cried when things have got too much, and the release of emotion does help you cope. Also, don't be afraid to tell him when you're struggling. The temptation is always to protect them and stop heaping the guilt on them or giving them something else to worry about, but we have found that it gives him something else other than his own troubles and worries to concentrate on.

I agree there are no easy answers, but talking really does help, as does knowing you're not alone.

Hi I don't now if I really qualify to come on here but my DP seems to have 'mild depression' on and off especially since our DD was born 14 months ago. At times he has been not nice to me and he is making me feel bad about myself because he is very critical of me (as he is of himself). He also seems to think that everything about our life is crap including my house that we live in! which also is a downer for me. We have a good life really with good family, friends, standard of living, reasonable jobs (though he is threatened with redundancy) and a nice but small house in a lovely city, and of course a lovely daugther. He gets really impatient with DD who is gorgeous but can be difficult and is starting to have tantrums. He went to the GP about something else before christmas and mentioned it to them and started taking st johns wort but came off it after a couple of weeks because he was getting upset stomach (we still don't now if that was due to the SJW or bugs he caught from DD). Anyway it's so hard especially as I persuaded him to have a child and I honestly think he regrets it, even though he loves her, which just seems so sad.
It's especially hard as my father committed suicide when I was 13, so seeing anyone close to me going through a down time is hard but especially so when it is DP and we have a DD together.
He won't really talk about it or deal with it. I'm starting to feel like we don't like eachother any more.
There's no question of more DCs, which makes me sad even though I thought I didn't want any more!, and our sex life is non existent at the moment .
Just having a moan really.

Hi Arcadia - you are definitely qualified to come on here. As I've said in an earlier post, people with depression do not think or act rationally or how they would when they are their normal selves. The problem is that when one thing is wrong, it gets out of proportion for them so that to them everything is wrong.

All you can do is try to get him to consult the GP about it properly, and maybe get some CBT or counselling, or a prescription for ADs. Trouble is, he has to recognise that what he is feeling is not normal for him, and he has to be the one to do something about it. It took me about 3 or 4 years to get my DH to go to the doctor. Well, he actually went after about a year or so, but on his own, and didn't tell the whole story so just got some advice on how to cope with stress. The next time, I went with him, and the doctor asked him to describe his symptoms and then asked me to (for the impartial view).

You need to let him know that you still respect and love him for who he is, but that the condition is hard to deal with for you because you don't know where you stand and you are constantly walking on eggshells (well, you are if you're like I was). It might encourage him to get help if he knows he's really upsetting you.

It's also possible that DD is picking up on the tension and that's what is starting the tantrums. It could also be the other way round, (i.e. the depression is worse when DD is playing up) as it is harder to deal with kids when the black cloud is in residence.

I also thought DD would be an only child, but DS still turned up ... don't give up hope. If he will get himself diagnosed and sorted, his sex drive will return and who knows?!

Thanks vanillacandle that's really helpful.
We're going away for a night the weekend after next and I'll see how he is by then and see if he'll go again and let me go to the GP with him next time, if we still think he needs to go. Last time he went he just tagged it on to something else so it wasn't taken that seriously.
I really relate to the walking on eggshells - definitely - it's really horrible and when you don't feel you can get any support back from them then life gets very hard.
His way of coping with things has always been alone - he just hopes it will go away if he doesn't deal with it. He never talks to friends/family about anything serious, only to me, and he's not even really talking to me at the moment.
Were your children young when he was depressed and were you tempted to deal with the 'difficult' bits with the children to protect him?

Hi Arcadia it does sound as if your DH is depressed, although I have to say that having a small child can be stressful for anyone and the threat of redundancy is not nice to have hanging over you. It is also hard when they won't deal with it. Could you print off some articles about depression and maybe ask him to read them? Does he have any friends or family he is close to?

Vanillacandle thanks so much for your kind thoughts, much appreciated. DH has a docs appt for Thurs so we shall see. He does seem a little better but still very detached from family life. Hopefully getting back on the AD's will help the anxiety which hopefully will help him to focus at work. I would love him to join the gym but money is tight at the moment. I think he suffers from the seasonal blues as well and this weather isn't helping as he doesn't want to go outside and just sits in his study all day. Roll on Spring!

Thanks teenyweeny hard though it is I'd rather think he is depressed than just become a horrible person!
Hope your DH's docs appointment goes OK on Thursday. My DP also suffers from SAD a bit usually too so I'm hoping he'll be better in the spring.
I know what you mean about detaching yourself a bit. I'm the 'cheerful' one at the moment and seem to be playing that role so much that I'm making him seem even more miserable! That seems to happen in relationships.
My DP won't really talk to family or friends, that's part of the problem

Hi Teeny and Arcadia

Teeny - can you go to doctor with DH? It does seem to make them take it more seriously if wifey goes too.

Arcadia - depression started before DD was born, and she is now a teenager (!) so we have been through the full works. And yes, I feel I have to take a lot of the flack where the DCs are concerned when he is down as he can't deal with noise, arguing etc. They are old enough now to understand a bit that when I say Daddy's not too good they need to behave and not pester him, but it was hard when they were smaller. DH also only talks to me about it, which ramps up the pressure as well. I can't blame him though, as there is still such a stigma surrounding MH issues and he is desperate for people not to think he is weak.

I completely agree with both of you about SAD - I get that too, so our house is a bundle of laughs from Nov to March!

Keep talking on this thread - it makes such a difference being able to let off to people who understand but don't know who you are!

Hi Teeny

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you today and hoping DH's appointment went OK.

Stay strong.

Hiya, thanks - that's really kind!! Couldn't go with him as I was working but apparently it went well. Dr. did tell him it was kind of daft to go cold turkey on the AD's while also giving up alcohol, and at this time of year! So he is back on the Citalopram, same dose as before, and has been told 2-3 weeks before it will have any impact. I have already noticed he is a bit more purposeful so I think the fact of having gone to the doc's was in itself helpful (very nice doc, too). Meanwhile we have a bit of a milestone - we have a small party to go to on Saturday but it's the first social occasion we have been to since DH gave up alcohol (and me, since I am keeping him company!). He is not planning to drink but it will be interesting to see how it goes as normally he uses the alcohol to relax him/reduce anxiety as he is something of an introvert. But this is a small suppportive group of friends and many will be driving so hopefully not too boozy and he will be able to stick to his guns. Meanwhile I am so busy with work and many other things going on that it has taken my mind off it a bit too. Thanks for your support, much appreciated.

That sounds really positive - a sympathetic, clued-up GP makes all the difference. Your DH sounds as if he is taking control of his life again, which will make him feel better about himself.

I hope you have a great time on Saturday! Can you prime any friends in advance so they don't try to persuade him to have "just a little one"? Alcohol and ADs really don't mix...

Don't worry about a gym, especially if money's a bit tight - my DH finds that exercise in the fresh air (i.e. a good walk)is much better than a gym anyway. Even if it's wet and miserable, wrap him up in oilskins and get him tramping round the nearest bit of countryside - or better still, the seaside - it's invigorating, and the fresh air really does "clear out the cobwebs".

Anyway, I'm glad things are settling a bit for you.

Just wanted to say thanks to Cestlavielife for the links and book recommendations. It's really helped me understand my DH a bit more and we have started to actually talk more about how he feels. (Was CheesyRockChick, have since name changed)

Update from me - things not so good here, DH very down at the moment, says he feels as low as he has ever felt, he has feelings of low self worth, shame etc. He has been very withdrawn and uncommunicative, didn't go to the party after all on Saturday as he was not feeling up to it. I have been feeling very fed up too, not wanting to be around him to be honest, which is awful but it just feels like such hard work. He hasn't mentioned being suicidal but I know he has felt this way in the past so I am on the lookout for it. On the other hand he knows it will take a while for the AD's to kick in. He is finding this time of year difficult with the bad weather and everything, plus he works from home on his own which doesn't really help. Thank goodness I have some great friends around me and that is really helping plus work takes my mind off it a bit. I do love him but this does feel like an incredible struggle right now. Not that separation would solve anything, so I feel a bit trapped. Anyway it's good to let off steam, so thanks for reading if you got this far!

hi teenyweeny sorry to hear your DH is worse, it must be really worrying, but also I can relate to you feeling like you don't want to spend time with him. This time of year is really hard for everyone, but all the more difficult for you to keep your spirits up whilst having to deal with your DH.
Mine is a bit up and down. I don't think it's that serious, but he isn't much fun to be around and isn't very patient with me and DD. He was a little better at the weekend but more grumpy again during this week.
We are having a night away together this weekend, hopefully it will help, but I'm going to try and have a talk with him about it and see if he'll go back to the GP.
He did start his exercise up again but has now hurt his ribs playing football so can't do anything for a while - always makes him grumpier!
Hope things get better for you soon... roll on the spring (only four weeks til March, almost!)

Hi, can I join you?

My DH has been depressed for 7 years now & though a lot better than in the past he still isn't the man I married.

Things that have helped are AD's, dogs!, going to the gym lots & giving up booze.

His main problem is arguing with our DC's. Do any of you have the problem when your DC's are slightly naughty and your DH over reacts and suggests draconian punishments ( never going to brownies again after one misdeamer the day after!). I am then between a rock & a hard place do I back him up & the DC's suffer of say no & DC sulks for the next week under a black cloud?

mis type! should read 'or say no'

"AD's, dogs!, going to the gym lots & giving up booze. "

is that him or you? !

teh DC - you have to be very clear - if he accepts he is acting under his depression maybe he should realise to defer to you?

once the DC start suffering from your P's depression/anxiety etc - is time to consider how to manage it ... and stick to what you believe is right - it becomes very hard to do.

we me and DC lived under the black cloud...it was such a relief to leave... it did affect teh DC. maybe he had otehr issues too.

but serously think how to manage this - will he accept you taking charge while he "unwell"?
is he willing to defer to you as his judgement is clouded?

read depression fallout - chapters on growing up with a depressed parent - and pick up some ideas there on how to mitigate the effects (other than leaving...)

read depression fallout
anne sheffield /dp/0060009349 and see the message board
www.depressionfallout.com/