How do I live with this fear?

[CrawlingInMySkin]

Hi I am a childhood sexual abuse victim and have bipolar with pychotic episodes, when I am depressed I see my abuser raping me again and it feels so real I think it is happening, he follows me round talking to me, I can smell him, he talks to me like he used to and tells me he will find me and that the only way to stop him is to kill myself, that I will hurt my family if I dont.

When I am manic I hear a voice talking to me and at the time I believe it is God telling me I am his angel and anyone who rapes me or abuses me will be punished, that I need to help him and go out dressed up in skimpy clothes and walk down dark alleys atract attention to myself so I will be raped and he can punish them.

I know now that they are hallucinations and dellusions, but at the time I believe them, I know I may never have another episode but I am sat worrying everytime my mood changes frightened and this stress is effecting me, and that makes me more scared that the worry will cause a episode and it causes this whole circle, I have to stop worrying or my worry will make me have a episode how do I stop being frightened? I am scared to go out alone in case something happens that triggers a episode, how do I get over this? Obviously I am stable at the moment or I would not be worrying as I would believe it to be real. I have also played down my pychotic symtoms out of fear of being dosed up on anti pychs, does anyone take them are they really that bad? or are there any with low side effects?

My partner also worries a lot but has no one to talk to as his family are very prejudice against mental illness, are there any help facilities for partners available? TIA to anyone who answers.

Hi,
didn't want to leave your post not answered.

Your reactions and suffering sound like as a result of what you suffered, so have you had any specific counselling for your abuse? It is not something I have managed to get, but others have and it has helped them immensely - dealing with the cause of the problem rather than just focussing on medication.

If you are in the mental health system your partner has the right to a carers assessement, mine had one - but nothing came of it. Are there any charities such as Making Space or Rethink in your area - as I think they are charities that help partneres? private help is always an option - but not necessarily affordable. It is tough, my dp would agree too.

Thanks Keziahhopes firstly let me say sorry you are also suffering with abuse issues and finding it hard to get help and that your partner also has the same worries and stress .

I have had specific abuse counsilling when I was 15. I recently asked about therapy specifically abuse related but I am finding it hard to get any.

I feel the abuse is fine it doesn't upset me or scare me and then when I have a episode it puts me right back where I started. I know afterword that seeing myself raped is not real but I am still left dealing with it. It is more the mania we worry over as I have caused further trauma to be added by following instructions and then when I return to normal I am left to deal with it and as I follow a set instruction that increases my risk I am then to blame.

Thanks for the carers info I will have a look as far as I know we only have a MIND charity but I will look up thoose others you suggested, thanks I am feeling much more positive about things now

It would be worth asking about anti psychotics. I don't think any medication can be forced on you unless you are sectioned, so you would have the choice to stop. Everyone is different with regards to side effects, you may be fine.Sorry to hear you are suffering like this you were so kind to me the other week.xx

Thanks GooseFatRoasties I know I am not guaranteed to be ill on them but I didn't know I couldnt be forced so thanks . I looked some up and they can have a 80% chance of certain side effects a women I know who takes one before bed said they knock her out for 15 hours there is no way I can afford that much sleep . I think I might post a thread asking for good experiences on anti-pychs and then maybe I can say what ones I am willing to take.

I know some of them can be can be very sedating. Perhaps you could see whether it is possible to up the dosage during episodes and wean you off or lower it inbetween. They may say that's not advisable but it's worth getting the advice. Do you have a good psychiatrist and CPN?

www.rethink.org/living_with_mental_illness/treatment_and_therapy/index.html

Here is a link to the mental health charity Rethink.
You can download a copy of a guide called only the best- anti psychotics and mood stabiliser medication.

Let us know how you get on xx

Oh thanks a lot I will have a look at that and hopefully I can find some medication that are not that bad . I find it hard to open up to pychiatrists, because I had a bad experience when I was 15 my pychiatrist at that time threatened to remove support and leave me to struggle if I did not agree to medication, so I guess I will just have to learn to trust.

I will ask about upping and downing my dose thanks that is a great idea and I could handle side effects in the short term. I dont see why I couldn't do that when you have pain killers you only take them when you are in pain.

I have just looked at that link and it is excellent thank you. There are a few on there that look okay, with relativly low side effects, thank you very much