Feel embarrassed about how I look and going out

[Memoo]

Not sure if anyone can relate to this.

My appearance hasnt exactly been a priority this past year. After my breakdown and pnd I'm still on a lot of meds and they have contributed to Me putting on a couple of stone.

Also being in hospital and then struggling to go out mean I haven't had my hair cut since dd was born 15 months ago. I've not bought any new clothes either so am having to make do with a few ill fitting and very worn items that have seen better days

So like tomorrow when im suppose to be going to toddler group I feel embarrassed by the way I look, by my weight and tired clothes. It was the same in church the other week. I was so warm but embarrassment stopped me taking my coat off, I sat there with sweat running down my face rather than take my coat off.

Know I need to sort myself out but where do I begin?

Okay, I'm no expert on either mental health or style and beauty but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I'd suggest posting in Style and Beauty to get some useful responses.

The first thing I think would make the most difference is getting a haircut. Don't let carrying a bit of extra weight make you feel bad - being stylish doesn't have to depend on being skinny! Just make sure your diet is as healthy and nourishing as you can manage.

Do you have any spare cash to buy a few basics that fit?

There really are many mums at toddler groups who've neglected their hair and and wear old clothes. One mum said to me once that she didn't know how other mums found time to put make up on in the mornings.
It makes a big difference if your hair is clean - and if you get time to blow dry it all the better.

What are the sales like for clothes? A couple of staple casual items might be good - dress and leggings?

Oh memoo I know how you feel! When I was hospitalised I must have worn the same clothes for days on end and I just didn't care. It's part of the illness.

But it does get better. Gradually you will get off the meds and the weight will start coming off again.

Can you fit in some gentle exercise? Will help shift the pounds and do wonders for your mood too. I know it's hard to be motivated, but honestly exercise is nature's best anti depressant.

Do you have a friend at toddler club - you could maybe meet beforehand and go in together. I always find walking into those places on my own hard as I feel quite self conscious.

Hang in there you have come so far and are doing brilliantly

I do have some vouchers from Christmas that I could use, even if it's just to get one pair of jeans that actually fit. Squeezing into ones a size too small is not a good luck, think muffin top!

Bit worried about going to the hairdressers because I've had a go at cutting it myself which wasn't entirely successful.

Definatly going to start making an effort to eat better. I also bought a wii dance game that is a rediculous amount of fun and a good workout too.

Hi Memoo

Sorry to hear you've had such a tough time of late

Remember that your depression will still perhaps be influencing the way you are feeling about yourself so you probably don't look half as bad as you think you do. Also, try and keep in mind that even if you see someone at toddler and baby group who looks fashionable and well put together one day - she could have a terrible day the next and look awful - a scenario that's completely normal for most of us!!

Having said all that, I can completely relate to what you are saying because I've put on quite a bit of weight recently and I feel very embarrassed when meeting people for the first time. I was really embarrassed over christmas too when I met family and friends who hadn't seen me for a year. One of them actually said to me, "Oh ... you look ...very ...healthy"

I was mortified!!!

Anyway for what it's worth I am trying to make a few changes too:

(1) I've started a healthy eating and moderate exercise plan today. Nothing drastic. Just a few small changes - cutting out alcohol a couple of evenings - eating an apple a day - walking 30 mins a day etc. This will help because I will be able to hold my head up high and tell myself that I have started doing something about my weight - it's going to be a long haul - but I have begun

(2) going to bed earlier. Everyone looks better when they are well rested and I have more will power about avoiding biscuits and exercising when I'm not tired

(3) get a good haircut (agree with Whatswrongwithyou - better investment than clothes because it looks good whatever I am wearing.

[Tell your hairdresser you are giving yourself an overhaul after being ill (no need to go in to details if you don't want to) and ask for an appt when she will have plenty of time and/or take a friend with you for moral support]

(4) do something for myself once a week that I enjoy (something creative in my case) that will make me feel better about myself so that other people's opinions won't matter so much and I'll have something interesting to talk about (personality much more important than looks)

Don't know if any of the above sounds any good ... wishing you the best of luck with it though x

My friend has been coming with me but tomorrow is the first time she can't so I extra nervous and worried about bottling out!

Stillchuckinit that all sounds like fab ideas. My cpn also said I should do something for myself. I'm thinking of doing a course at the local college, really interested in photography.

I'm going to start getting out for a little walk each day too. Dd is just at that age where she gets really excited going out in her pram.

That's great Memoo - wierdly I think focusing on things other than one's appearance really helps because you get to feel better about yourself through DOING rather than focusing on external appearances which is totally subjective anyway (and usually overly critical from our own viewpoints)

And if you are managing to get to church AND toddler group then you are a better 'man' than me!!

Good luck with it!

Hi - I think this is fairly common. For 2 years I think I had my hair cut once, worn clothes too tight and bad combinations etc.

How about the hair cut? When I eventually went, I went to a different hairdresses (someone from church recommended them, they work in their own home so less stressful for me) and just said "I have been quite ill, so hair has suffered and they were great!" - it made me feel so much better.

If you are a person who feels better if you look ok, then clothes etc matter. But many Mums look very different to when they were working etc - like Stilchuckingit says, external experiences can be subjective.

That's such a good idea to go to a different hairdressers. I've been going to the same one for years and so feel that pressure to be all chatty and smilie.

So nervous this morning, going to the toddler group and have already though of at least a million reasons why I can't go, but I'm going regardless, although my plan to walk rather than drive to get some exercise has been thwarted by the appalling weather.

So that'll be me, the sack of spuds hiding in the corner, but it's a start

Hi there, just wanted to say I can relate to your feelings and I hope you got to the toddler group because I can guarantee you will not be the only one there feeling like that.

I have always been overly concerned with my appearance, I was brought up to believe it was really important and am pretty insecure about how I look. As a result I find it hard to leave the house without make up on no matter how bad things get as i feel so horrible without it. During my pregnancy I was very unwell with depression and anxiety yet people always told me I looked really well and that pregnancy suited me (oh god the irony). Now I have a small baby I hardly sleep and have so little time for myself and have also put on loads of weight
since the birth and I feel like shit as a result.

Anyway- point is, I have to meet a lot of dps family this week and I too feel really embarassed by my appearance. It sounds terribly shallow because we've just had a bereavement, but thats how deep my issues with how I look run. I look awful in all my clothes as my body shape has changed so much and am have permamnent black shadows under my eyes and my skin is deathly grey!

Not wanting to hijack your thread with my stuff, just want to add my support and tell you you are not alone. Agree with others- go get your hair done, that will be a huge start. I'm off to buy a pair of spanx type pants to hold my fat in today x

Hi Memoo

With respect to the hairdresser's, I think you've been given some really good advice. I just wanted to add that I know how you feel.

I do get my hair cut and styled regularly, but last year I went through extreme work-related stress and my hair started to fall out.

The alopoecia (sp?) was so bad that I had a bald patch on the crown of my head.

I know my hairdresser and colourist really well, but was so embarrassed. I cried lots until DH finally said to me "Why are you embarrassed? Don't you think the hairdresser will be able to help?", which was the opposite to my thought process.

So I took the plunge and explained to both and they were brilliant. The colourist completely redid my colour so that the highlights wouldn't bring attention, and my hairdresser did a complete restyle and changed the side of my parting. I felt so much better. They were both really kind and sympathetic.

And my hair grew back quite quickly too .

Anyway, just wanted to say that your hairdresser will be very professional, I am sure. They are there to help you look fabulous.

Knackered, really glad that the hairdresser was able to help, it must be really distressing to lose some hair.

Lelarose, I feel like that too, about having to be properly turned out. Never go out without makeup etc and even though I'm not overly dressy I always make an effort with how I look. It really knocks your confidence if you don't feel happy with your apperance.

I actually feel so bad about the way I look at the moment that when I look at my body I feel disgusting. I know that sounds ott but thats how I feel.

I went to the toddler group and spent the first half hour feeling so anxious but I eventually relaxed a bit and almost enjoyed it. Had a few little chats with other mums too.

I am going to get my hair done. I don't know when yet because I need to get my head round the idea first, I can always deal with things better when i've had a few days to mull over it first.

Thats great you went to the group, well done.

I spent the afternoon getting depressed about how out of shape I am tried on clothes in a million shops and still couldn't get what i needed.

Hair and make up are definitely the way to go if you need an intial boost before you tackle the weight I think. I have just ordered an exercise dvd as have no childcare to go to the gym- lets see if i ever even open the packaging eh!

So Sorry to hear you feel like this. At the baby group I used to got to the well presented were very much in the minority, all my clothes were utter crap and generally had sick stains on then (My DD did me proud, not even the huge muslins my mum made could keep the sick off me, or visitors for that matter )

Anyhoo, deffo get your hair done. I find talking to hairdressers makes me really anxious so I always ask, very politely of course, if we could have a quiet appointment. Every single one has actually been glad of the quiet because they spend their whole day making small talk.
Also dont worry about having had a go at cutting your hair at home. I cut my very long pony tail off during one very low moment and my hairdresser said she spends loads of time sorting out peoples home attempts so not to worry.

Anyway hope you feel better and remember to take each day as it comes

Im so glad you went and managed to start to relax. Youve come so so far .

Think the hair cut is a great idea x

I've been in your shoes the last few months. I'm suffering from depression, and I'm on tablets that help me sleep as well, so I'm constantly feeling run down and sometimes have bags under my eyes. I have put 3.5stone on in the last year after losing 2 stone (waste of money that was, going to Slimming World every week for nearly a year! lol), so I have literally 1 pair of jeans and 2 tops I can wear. When I'm at home, I'm always in pjs because I don't feel comfortable in anything else. My hair hadn't been cut in over a year so the ends were split and far too long that it was driving me mad!

I got very lucky and won a free haircut, and it was somewhere different so I didn't feel as bad having someone I didn't know look at my hair. I'm not very talkative when I'm at the hairdressers, and I think the hairdresser will pick up on whether you're a talker or not. I've seen my usual hairdresser talk for England with some customers, but when she's with me, she just gets on with it. Either that or she just doesn't like the look of me and doesn't bother to engage

DP is fed up of hearing me moan about my weight and the way I look. He said it's mostly because I get really upset, like literally crying over it, especially when I'm trying something on that I think may fit and then it doesn't. Or my jean's belt hole has come off, and so I have to either go to a hole that's too tight or too lose. He's making sure I at least go on Wii Fit for half an hour a day, which so far I have been doing. I have also started wearing more makeup too. Usually I was just eyeliner and powder, but now I also put blush and lipstick on (I've never been a lipstick girl before!) just to give me that boost. I try and take time out to straighten my hair so it looks better, as it is naturally wavy. It does make such a difference.

But yeah, just wanted to say there's a lot of us out there that are similar. And well done you for talking to the mums at the group! I can't even do that in the playground of my DD's school, except for the mums of her two best friends and she's been going to that school for the past 3 years!