Am convinced I have PND but GP said not a few months ago

[pamelat]

DD almost 3

DS almost 8 months

DD was very difficult baby, colic/reflux/whiney and I used to sob most days. No diagnosis, by her first birthday I suddenly felt better. Coincided with a return to work.

DS is easy baby but never sleeps through, up 2 to 4 times a night, or last night all the time.

I am still on maternity leave, I have them both by myself on 3 days and just baby on 2 days. I realise I am lucky

However I feel so negative/selfish/resentful and I dont find any joy in life. I look at them and love them and find them beautiful and know I am lucky but I dont feel it, does that make sense.

I am horrid to DH. We have had 2 fights, unheard of, in last few weeks. He provokes me and I then slap him, am ashamed of myself. He is sorry too (never physically pushes me but last time during row he threw my milk from my cereal in my face and smashed my bowl) We are both angry at the moment. Had few issues not connected to children which have made things worse.

He says I am "losing it" and I think he might be right.

I feel cold and distant a lot and then over emotional and vulnerable the next.

I went to a cafe full of elderly people and very nearly burst in to tears as the customers reminded me of my grandparents who I lost whilst pregnant with DS.

I feel paranoid that people think I am a crap mum. I try so hard but know I could be better, I feed DS jars and dont cook from scratch but I am too tired.

I feel fat, still a stone to lose.

I feel a failure as a wife because of all the rows

I am annoyed at myself as we are lucky and live in lovely area in lovely house and things should be very happy

I told GP all of this (minus fights as had not happened then) a few months ago and he just said that " normal to feel a bit down and anxious with 2 pre school children and that it will pass without medicaiton" but I feel its got worse .......??

I am exercising to dispell the anger and to lose weight, managing 3 times a week and weight slowly coming off.

I am on a break from studying from an MA but due to re-start in May and go back to work then and fear I wont cope, but I could never tell work that, they would be shocked.

More than anything, I think I feel depressed because I am selfish and because I have 2 small children I cant do the things I would want to do, read a book for an hour, sleep for a full nights sleep etc ....... is that PND or just circumstance?

The fighting worries me. I also slapped DD's bum for the first time ever (she is very challening but I was out of order, or at least not who I thought I was)

PS) I do look after them well, especially DS. Am rigid (too rigid maybe) on his routine but feel would not cope if could not know feed and nap times. feel its all "controlled" but then breaks loose with DH, especially when pushes me as he keeps doing (not physically) but he is so angry with me.

you're both out of control if you are both fighting and throwing and smashing, and that needs addressing

get a second opinion, it is normal to have some level of tiredness/feeling down etc, but not for years, not to the point that you are feeling

is your HV nice? can you talk to her?

you need to take your behaviour and how you feel in hand, and your DH also needs to sort his anger out

lots of things you've said smack of PND/depression..more than the usual feelings post birth

why is your DH angry with you?

thank you

Felt fine between DD turning 1 and DS being born, its the last 6 months or so (he is 8 months) that have been bad

He (DH) has also smashed the mop bucket and thrown lap top. he says I drive him to it. By nature he is placid and easy going

I also keep forgetting things, am on auto pilot. Sometimes I will not know if changed nappy but then look and have done ...... GP said I was just very tired.

DH is angry at me for being "negative" and for moaning about how hard it is. I think he/maybe everyone has an idea of a perfect life and i am not playing that part right now

there are two issues here

the violence/anger and your depression

you need to see a different gp or speak to the HV , you need to get this sorted

I had PND after DS and it was very much like what you describe, but my DH did not go off smashing stuff and behaving like a prick, he was supportive and caring and looked after me, even when i was incapable of even thanking him or responding.

your husband can choose to smash things and throw things, or walk away , so it's not your fault

he sound like an utter tosser

2 pres choolers, house, life , work, study is hard especially if you are poorly with depression

he sounds totally unrealistic and lacking in empathy

I agree with everything lulu has said, but wanted to add some support, it does sound like mroe than usual 'baby blues'
It is possible to have depression without it being PND though, so don't let the GP fob you off with your DS's age and it not being 'post birth'