Depressed and really on the edge

[RocketSalad]

I feel as though I am hanging on by a thread perpetually. Citalopram doing nothing except killing my libido. I don't want to see anyone (apart from close family and then it's a struggle), I am tired tired tired of coping with everyone elses problems. My daughter bleats at me from dawn till dusk about a host of people I neither know nor care about. My mother and father are old, ill and not particularly helpful (see previous post). My ex (children's father) lost his job before Christmas (he too suffers from depression), with it his car and any financial security he had. May seem odd that I mention it but it does impact on me - most importantly I need to know he is ok when the kids visit him. My friends have their own problems (which I can't bear to listen to for long) so am keeping them at arms length. I feel as though I live in a goldfish bowl - prominent house in a village - too many people crane their necks as they go by so am existing with the curtains drawn permanently. I am not answering the phone to the majority of people and wouldn't even consider picking up if the number is witheld. Also ignoring texts unless it is one of my children - just can't cope with replying. Agoraphobia has crept in too - I have to absolutely force myself out of the door and if I can find an excuse I will. I am also struggling with invasive thoughts about people dying around me when I am waiting for sleep which is erratic to say the least! Last straw yesterday - someone I knew from school playground years back was found dead in suspicious circumstances - she was only 40.

Partner is supportive but I worry how much longer he will put up with this? (nearly two years now!) I am really trying so hard to hold it together.

For the record I went through 3 months of psychotherapy last year. He said it was perfectly clear that I understood everything that was happening to me and around me. He also stated that in all the people he had helped I probably had the highest level of self awareness. I have to say it wasn't what I needed to hear - I wanted there to be an epiphany! Not the first counsellor to say they couldn't help me further although he was very happy for me to continue going.

So here I am, pissed off because kids back at school (apart from my daughter and I am dreading her putting in an appearance because she will want to talk about woman found dead yesterday and I don't really trust myself to deal with it well), partner back at work, a whole host of things coming up over the next few weeks I am dreading, such as going to clean for ma and pa because they can't cope and having to take my daughter for a medical in a town where there has recently been a shooting. I tell you I have the best imagination!

Have a docs apt in an hour for more pills - she is great and will do anything I request within reason. We have changed medication already, looks like it may have to be changed again but (worryingly) I am not even vaguely hopeful for positive results any more.

Anyone else been in similar straits and come out the other side?

I find, when been really struggling, that just getting through each day one day at a time, keeping busy is only way I can manage. Sorry, don't have any hugely useful advice but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

Also, you prob know this, but if meds have been changed recently, it can take a while to take effect. Or, do they need to be increased? Hope things improve for you.

Maybe Citalopram isn't right for you, or maybe you need a higher dose?

Unfortunately ADs can be libido killers - DH's citalopram coming between us and baby wish right now - although depression itself can do it too.

Reading your post I'm wondering whether you are '''''just'''''''pretty severely depressed or whether there is something else going on. A referral to Community Mental Health Team may not be a bad thing. Could you ask?

The thing with the 3 months therapy and having total insight in what's going on struck a chord with me. I was the same years back until my ds's birth brought things back that I had pushed away very deeply which turned out to be the real cause. In other words - the cause may not be what you expect it to be. Sometimes you assume that this or that may be the cause because it is the sort of thing that can cause your symptoms. So maybe don't give up on counselling just yet. Or try if you can get a course of CBT, I'm not a great fan of its use in complex cases but it can really help you deal with the here and now and to cope with what sounds like considerable anxiety.

Imelda and Madmouse, thanks for posting and for your advice.

I too do the one day at a time thing and try and push all extraneous and unwelcome thoughts as far away as possible. I have one thing interfering with that plan. My daughter! I love her dearly and she really is the sweetest girl but she is determined to talk her way through life. I have always found incessant chatter particularly hard to take, my mind wanders all over the place at the best of times but feeling as I do right now.... argh! I have kindly told her I can't handle "the latest news update" every hour and even made an agreement whereby she saved the gossip for her friends and just updated me once a day. She is aware of the depression and PMT (and when that is, as we are in synch) but bless her she just can't help it. She also has a fascination for all things morbid (which I don't) so I hear about everyone's relatives and pets that have this disease and that illness or worse the latest obituaries! I can only just about cope with day to day life in our family. I know I am going to have to tackle it again and I will when the PMT has gone and I can trust myself not to end up sobbing or worse, yelling!

My doc has changed my prescription this morning - have really given citalopram a fair crack and upped the dose previously so doc thinks maybe it is not suitable. She has given me a different SSRI for a month and if things don't change then will change to MAOIs. I don't know too much about effects of these - much more familiar with SSRIs and tricyclic ADs. Any feedback welcome.

Had the referral - depression and nothing more.

Re counselling, here's the irony. That is what I do, although it is nigh on two years since I practised due to depression! Have really been through the lot with it over the years, as being a counsellor also means getting to the route of all your own shit before being let loose!

Sorry if I sound dismissive or anything else negative. I really do value your advice and it is probably what I would also say were I replying. I have done and am doing all the things I should - sadly it hasn't prevented the appalling slide!