What am I ?

[yentil]

I spend most of my time wondering if kids are sick (DD1 is 5 and DS is 16months). I kick myself into gear once they are and look after them well but am a wreck not sleeping always worried they will be hospitalised or worse (especially for the baby). I hate my worrying. I cannot enjoy them. I take their temp when they have a fever CONSTANTLY. If the baby stops eating I stop eating and begrudge my DH eating and 'getting on with life' to the point of planning to leave him. I want them to be well. When they're well I'm well IFYSWIM. I love them sooo much it feels unhealthy. I get -TMI ALERT- diorhhea if I sense an illness coming and hate having pragmatic people around me telling me 'illnesses makes them stronger'. I just fell like screaming at them. My baby has just started eating following 1 week of flu like illness and this evening I couldn't stop feeding him to the point of encouraging (not forcing) him to eat more when he was clearly full. In the end at bed time it all came up and I have been devasted ever since I know he wasn't ready to be eating his normal amount but pushed it because I have it in my head that I had to make up for the days he missed calories. I feel guilty and demoralised and angry with myself for not being satisfied that he was at least eating again. I so wanted to make up for the last few days and couldn't focus on the positive. I just am fed up of feeling this level of worry and LOVE. i envy friends without children who don't have to worry about anyone but themselves. I worry for them getting nasty viruses and stomach bugs. My main fear is around them not eating and I know I have issues with food as I see fat babies and associate that with healthy and slimmer babies (like mine as my 16month old is the height of a 2.5 year old so obviously would be slimmer - I know this is rationale but don't buy into it even though I know it). Anyway I just needed to write this down really and clear my head.

What are you?

A typical mum?

My ds is nearly 3 now and I remember when he was 18m I said to dh with some amazement 'Hey I haven't managed to kill him yet'. Dh pissed himself but I was deadly serious. All these times when I had panicked about feeding him, nursing him when ill etc...

I relaxed a lot after that - ds has just been in hospital with a bad chest and by the time he started eating again I hadn't started seriously worrying about eating yet. Even though he is an undersized underweight (but very sturdy even though disabled) scrap of a thing.

You are doing a fab job, the love is the most important thing and there will always be worry but you will get used to it more x

Thank you

yentil - I am wondering about your own childhood and you parent's reaction when you were ill. Sometimes parents pass on their anxieties about their children's health to their children and it passes on through the generations in some cases. My parents were always very nurturing when we were ill but I also knew they were anxious and this has in turn made myself and my sisters anxious about our own health and our children's health. I know it is all about love, but showing a child your anxiety about illness is not going to make him/her secure, and could make them anxious too.

I am always very concerned about the ill health of family and friends (especially grand children) whereas 2 of my dils don't worry excessively about their children's health and worry even less about their own. They were brought up by parents who didn't much care when they were ill, they just had to get on with it.

Your main worry you say is around eating - got a bit confused at the end of your post - do you see fat babies as healthy and slim ones as unhealthy. I think babies of all sizes are ok so long as they are healthy but being oerweight as a growing child is more of a health risk than being slim isn't it.

I wonder if you have thought of having some counselling as your worries do seem a touch out of proportion, and you are suffering and could be passing these anxieties on to your children.

Sorry if I'm barkinf up the wrong tree but I know where my worries about health come from and it is certainly from my loving but over protective parents. I sometimes envy friends who are much more laid back about illness in themselves and their children, and I'm sure you do too.