Is this PND, or just "D", or something else?

[Icoulddoitbetter]

Happy new year all,

My DS is 14 months old, so I'm not sure if that is just too long to be the cause of how I feel at the moment.

I've felt depressed before for which I had Fluoxetine. That was reactrice following a horrid period at work where I was bullied. I took unpaid leave for a few months and returned to a different job. I took the pills for a while and they helped but stopped after about a year. I have a pretty crappy background (abuse as a child) and have never been really happy, always been pretty anxious, socially akward etc, and just about on the edge of managing "normal" life (holding down a job etc) but have been getting on ok. I have a lovely husband and some very good friends.

I can't really pin down when my current problems started. I kind of expected PND t6o get me and was surprised, and relieved, that it didn't. I knew that I was always going to find being a mum hard, but DH is very very hands on and he gets me through. I adore my DS completely.

So, how I feel. I'm irritable most of the time, and get annoyed at the slightest thing. I shout at DH a lot, he's naturally quite quiet, and has a bad habit of not listening to me and I can't cope with this at all at the moment. Little things make me go off on one, such as losing my keys, pepole being slow in shops, really inconsequential things. I'm alsways anxious, biting my nails, can't keep still.
It's now got to the point where I feel on the verge of tears a lot, and often cry. My sleep is getting worse (it's never great though).
I went back to work in Nov and I'm finding it really hard, though I intensely dislike my job so it was never going to be easy. My job has a fair amount of responsibilty and I just don't feel I can cope and that I am good enough to do it.

I struggle if DS's routine goes off ie if he doens't go to bed at the right time, and at the end of the day I am desperate for DH to come home and take over (I work part time).

The thing that has got worse recently though is just my fuse getting shorter and shorter. The sightest thing feels unmanagable and I want to cry or shout at DH.

I've had counselling before and I didn't work out (several different types). I even had psychotherapy on the NHS but this was awful , so dissapointing and not what I had hoped it would be.

I am still BF DS and want to continue. we both enjoy it and it is my real mummy triumph.

Got to go now and prob won't be back till late this eve, but any opinions / advice would be fab.

Thanks.

bump?

And again......

icoulddoitbetter didn't want your post to go unanswered.
First off, huge congratulations for breast feeding your DS which is a brilliant achievement, and it's great that you adore him so much! .
In terms of how you are feeling, the irritability may be hormonal (is it worse when you are pre-menstrual, if you are having periods?), or it could be a negative feeling that you are repressing coming out in another way, or it could of course be a symptom of depression or anxiety.
I think having a job that you intensely dislike could be enough to make you feel irritable at home. You may also be feeling a bit torn between work and your DS (I know I do with work and my DD). Working part time is supposed to be this magical solution but actually it leaves us still primarily responsible for the childcare and the household, and juggling that with work (particularly a responsible job) is draining.
I know this all too well myself having a DD of similar age and having some similar issues to you including with work.
It may be worth talking it through with a friend, GP or a counsellor (if you can get one) and try and pinpoint where the irritability is coming from. It may be an overwhelming sense of responsibility, or a sense of being trapped, or a sense of conflicting demands. I don't know but there could be something underlying it. Otherwise, it could be a physical thing which your GP might be able to help with.
Hope that helps a little bit but I may be way off the mark x

Hi,

I don't think it sounds like it is PND if your fuse is getting shorter at 14 months. Breast feeding is good at sustaining those nurturing hormones that seem to be in abundance at birth. Big well done for keeping up the BF this long.

I'm wondering if when you are having difficulties, you are thinking or worrying about your childhood?

I think becoming a mum has an element of revisiting childhood. When I'm lost of things to do I find my instinct kicks in and I reminded of what I wanted at "that age" and that seems to be right most of the time. Sometimes I find myself remembering and suddenly feeling quite scared and anxious - like I did at that age.

For abuse survivors becoming a mum can trigger that kind of reaction until you address it. Don't worry about it and no worries if I'm wrong I'm sorry to have overstepped a mark.

In the very least it sounds like you are having some anxiety problems and should talk to your gp about talking to a professional or medication.

I hope this helps,