Starting to wonder...

[snowmash]

I am not doing awfully well...just looking for support really.

I got to see the psych despite the snow for my first appointment, but feel I completely screwed it up (in retrospect I should have cancelled as I evidently can't cope with strangers, particularly medical ones, physically taking me behind locked doors - no electric wheelchair due to the snow). I'd forgotten how I reacted :( - bad first impression.

I started writing a history (abuse/PTSD aside, the rest of my social/medical issues are complex), and found some very old letters (marked 'not to be disclosed') and some occ health ones which knocked me for six - looks like getting 'ill' could destroy my career too (although I may have done that already when I stopped going in).

I didn't complete it, and brushed over bits as they're too open to misinterpretation on paper. Sent it to the psych as asked, but not sure it'll help her.

Terrified of going back because I got stern call from the consultant this week. I know DNA'ing is just is bad whether it's the person's fault or not, should feel lucky I wasn't discharged.

But equally I can't keep going back to my GP. I'm not sure why she's seeing me weekly - big drain on her time, and being exposed to my distress must be bad.

I really want to disengage from the medical side of things, lots coming up in the next few months (four different hospital disciplines plus all the psych stuff). One in particular being rubbish at listening - I need surgery done in a certain place and way so they don't electrocute or kill me, and although they've had loads of info and offers of help, they keep offering me cancellations rather than planned (because my planned was snowed off...but it needs to be rescheduled). Social side is becoming overwhelming too.

Just opened my email to find a 'nice' email from work, but I feel huge guilt over that.

Trouble is I'm not sure what I can say to GP. Seeing her's only thing that gets me up/dressed/out, and it is helpful to talk...but I'm not sure she should be seeing me because I take too much time and just sob.

How do I say that it's too difficult for me to walk 10 minutes and I don't want her to be concerned if I don't? [As I'm not ideating, but the heavy flashbacks and exhaustion after are worsening]

Would I stop going out at all? (need to collect my post from elsewhere)

I'm writing here because I've convinced myself that my friends wont want to know (and that it's unfair to dump on them)...but not really any fairer to dump on strangers.

Hey snowmash that was heavy stuff for the first night of the year - I hope you got any sleep at all.

I have read your post several times but it's not easy to understand what you mean - you seem to think we know more about you than we do.

Your GP sees you weekly because she wants to and because she sees benefit in that. She can handle yor distress that is her job.

Why would your friends not want to know? Pot kettle here really - I have fantastic friends but when I was really crap Thursday night I sent one a facebook message instead of a text so as not to disturb them. Always afraid to be too much despite millions of reassurances. Professionals get paid to see you and have a duty to fix you as best they can. And most of them really really care. Mine did, my ds's did even more so.

Keep talking. Keep writing what needs out even if it is not always easy to understand for the reader x

Thank you for your reply, madmouse

Sorry for being obtuse; apart from the time of night, I feel very identifiable if I post certain info publically, so was trying not to.

And I'm probably not in the right place to be posting.

That post could be summed as:

i. I am very concerned that I will not build enough of a rapport with psychiatry for an assessment. I was misdiagnosed by a paediatrician with 'hysteria' and find it hard to forget that.

ii. I am badly struggling to cope with flashbacks

iii. I have very bad memories of previous psych contact.

iv. I want to curl up in a small ball for the next twenty years

v. I am overwhelmed.

vi. Is there any good way to withdraw from contact with a health care professional? (particularly one you have no ill-feelings about)

The only question being vi.

I hope you got some sleep madmouse - and ty, writing is important.

Sorry you're having a bad time of it all:(

I'm not sure why you would want to withdraw from contact with a healthcare professional you have no ill-feelings about. Is he/she not helping? If so could you perhaps gently ask if you could see someone else?

Agree with madmouse about your doctor. If she doesn't mind seeing you I would carry on. She can deal with your emotions. My doctor said to me she was quite happy for me to cry in her surgery whenever I wanted. I have needed to see her quite a lot. I too wondered if she would get fed up but she has continued to support me whichever way she can. With little RL support she is invaluable. Try to keep seeing your doctor. As you say she is a reason for you to get up and dressed and at least then that's something you can say you've achieved each day when you're feeling low.