Depressed and newly single

[sjm123]

Hi,

I have posted this in the lone parents bit as well, but didn't add to that post that the health issue that I'm signed off of work with is quite severe depression. I only noticed the mental health section after I'd posted it .

I am 34 and have a son that turns 12 nest week and a 10 year old daughter. We haven't seen or heard from the children's biological father since my son was 4, and I had met and moved in with someone who I thought was a wonderful man and was great with my kids. We moved out of London to Bishop's Stortford with him 3 years ago as the schools in the area are much better and it's where my now ex grew up.

I haven't made any connections of my own in the area, being signed off of work with health issues means I'm at home alone a lot, with little to no contact with anyone other than my children.

The relationship with my now ex has deteriorated to the point where he isn't even contacting the children any more and I'm really struggling to know what to do and how to manage all this totally on my own. I have no family, and my friends are all in London and don't have children so I rarely, if ever see them either.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, just needed to have a bit of a vent because I'm feeling so isolated and low at the moment.

Hello sjm123..Am sorry to hear you're having such a bad time.I'm in a similar position, moved here 6 years ago,Have 2 DSs, DS1 is at college now,and DS2 is 13 in 2 weeks..

It's hard being by yourself i know,i've been a single parent for 22 years now.I met my XP 4 years ago,but last summer i got really low and had counselling- (she actually pointed me to MN)i realized that my then partner was emotionally abusive,and after a series of off and ons, have finally managed to get out..

Making friends takes time, i natter to people quite a lot when i go out,and have one really dear friend here,but shes newly married ,luckily i,ve always been a bit of a loner, and don't mind being by myself!If i get too lonely i ring my old friends,the distance doesn't stop us having a laugh.

Do you get on with any of your DCs friends' parents to the point of asking them over for coffee?..I know people in the past have suggested to me workshops/part time courses etc for meeting people,is there anything you,ve ever fancied learning?

Sorry i'm not being much help,i didn't want your post to go unanswered and wanted to let you know you're not alone.I might be more awake tomorrow!

I really sympathise - I'm in a similar position.

The problem is, it's hard to think about making friends when feeling so depressed and you end up feeling more isolated and alone.

Hi sjm, sorry that you're in a bad place. I live in the same area as you and was browsing Netmums this morning and noticed they do a lot of local meet-ups. Would this interest you?

Thanks all,

I'm feeling a bit better today, Have decided to just get on with things. Going to join a yoga class and a meditation class because hopefully they'll help with both depression and meeting people.

hocuspontas, yeah I have had a look at the meetup thing on netmums. 4th Jan is my son's birthday or I'd have popped along to the evening meetup that day for a little while but I'm definitely up for giving it a go. I was a bit worried that everyone would be mum's of toddlers and babies, I feel like it's unusual for a mother of kids the age of mine to be in this position. Whether that's the case or not I don't know, I think my brain just likes to make me think I'm the odd one out wherever it can!

I don't have any babysitters, but I feel that my kids are ok to be left for an hour or so at a time. Wouldn't have 6 months ago, but they are both sensible and reasonably well behaved.

I just need to get off my arse and actually do something. whether I'll still feel like this tomorrow is anyone's guess. I'm really trying hard to not give in to the urge to just hide away and ignore the world. I know that isn't what's best for me or the midgets.

hello everyone

It amazes me how many women are feeling the same. So many of us facing a daily battle in isolation. In some ways it shouldn't, but it does make you feel a bit better that not everyone has a perfect rosey life. (on this note, there's nothing like facebook to make you feel extra rubbish!) I wish to have a big cruise liner where we can all just get on board and have a holiday for as long as we want from the drudgery...but I or you can't.

If there is one thing I learnt from my v emotionally abusive XP and F of my DD is that we have to look at the facts, don't waste time dreaming and change what can be changed. In many areas he was a very successful man and seemed an expert in sorting out his own happiness, and I think that's how he did it. So, looking at the facts, most women on Mental Health topics are lonely. Didn't Mother Theresa say that loneliness was the biggest poverty or something like that. Having lived in several countries I really believe that a lot of mental health is due to loneliness, too much time thinking, worrying, responsibility, not being touched, not having social interaction and unfortunately there is too much of it in this society. It used to piss me off when GPs or other advisers would say join an evening club. Ok, you could try it but first you need to arrange childcare and if you have been working it may make the day more tiring and if you have little kids you may not see them. I joined 2 evening courses pre-baby and found I had little in common with the people there (mostly 20 years my senior and not really sociable). What can you do to stop loneliness? Some women I know say they just look for a man to fill the space. I know what they mean but even that is easier said than done and why should we lower our standards so much? I think if you have younger kids it may be easier - there are many groups you could go along to. I did this. I went to a playgroup and got chatting and then went for a coffee with two of them. it was a bit more diffiuclt for me as they were happily married so I could understand they weren't needing friendship as much as me. Most of my older freinds are scattered all over.

If you have older kids, could you not make friends through this site? i'm yet to explore but don't they have a section where you can meet women in your area?

I'm sorry that there are so many people feeling depressed and alone. Hopefully just emilaing on this may give you some comfort.

As a busy single mum i'm not concentrating too much on what I am writing here. I hope i dont sound patronising or a bit of a know-it-all, i havw a feelign it may seem that way. And I know it is waffley - I can't help myself as I used to be a writer and find keeping things short a bit diffiuclt!

Anyway, it would also be great, along with the cruise idea, to issue women with a badge for a secret club that says 'actually I'm finding life a tad difficult and would love to make friends' how much easier it would be! I don't know you but i want you to know i am sorry that life is a lonely struggle and to a great extent, there are many women incuding myself know how you feel. So, in a way, you are not alone. keep writing. x

ok,.....just read your last post.....glad you are making all those steps - that's a greatr start