Sorry, this is a bit of a saga.
I was bulimic to varying degrees from my late teens for around 8 years. I had been fine for about three years before my first pregnancy. When pregnant I could handle my changing body shape as having an end point with the birth of baby and rationalised the need to eat sensibly being a necessity for baby's health. I put on 3 stone with first pregnancy and lost all bar half a stone of that within 8 weeks of my daughter's birth. We had terrible feeding problems with her, she wouldn't feed from the breast so I expressed milk for 3 months and topped up with formula.
I didn't deal with her first few weeks particularly well while we were trying to establish breastfeeding - DD was failure to thrive for first fortnight, very stressful - and I often skipped meals through lack of time. I also developed anxiety-related OCD, needing to check my daughter constantly, for which I sought private hypnotherapy counselling. This identified that the root of the problem was the sexual abuse that occurred when I was age 4-8 at the hands of my cousin, or rather the way this was dealt with (more specifically, not dealt with) by my parents. The basis of the OCD being that I was paranoid about protecting my daughter in a way I hadn't been. My cousin died a few months after my daughter was born which also stirred things up around this time.
I am also conscious that my parents' relationships with food - mother regularly skipping meals and commenting on how skinny she is/was compared to the rest of us, father comfort-eating and obese - has shaped my own and I don't want to pass these hang-ups on to my children.
With my second child, I am breastfeeding successfully but currently find myself struggling with unwanted thoughts and veering towards a relapse into bulimia. I put on approx 4 stone with this pregnancy (partly due to limited mobility/exercise due to back issues in pregnancy) but at 8 weeks in I have only lost a stone, and have lost nothing in the past 3 weeks. My breasts have increased from a C cup to an E and I struggle with this as previously this was one area of my body I was happy with and now I feel bloated and disgusting. I am craving sweet and carbohydrate-rich foods and worrying about my diet in relation to eating properly so that I am getting nutrients into baby, but increasingly becoming obsessed with not wanting to eat vs wanting to binge. I keep getting unwanted thoughts about self-harming which I haven't had in over ten years, particularly at night. I am also losing sleep obsessing about weight/self-harming and it is affecting my mood generally - anxious, irritable, tearful - and behaviour. Outwardly I don't think anyone would notice as I am internalising my anxiety in the main, but I feel like I am acting a part during the day when DD is around.
Additionally, when we found out the gender of my second baby I was surprised to find myself upset that it was a boy, as prior to finding out I would have said I didn't mind either way. However, irrationally, I sometimes look at him and see aspects of my cousin. I feel very differently towards him, being a boy, than I do towards my daughter - although with my daughter I did not bond until approx 3 months in so I am trying to keep this in perspective, and I would say we are starting to bond since he has started smiling but this is despite the breastfeeding, rather than helped by it. While breastfeeding has been quite straightforward I find it hard that I have no control over/way of telling how much he is getting so I worry constantly that he is putting on enough weight.
I believe breast milk is best for baby but I would feel happier from a selfish point of view to be formula feeding, so I can get my body back and get a bit of a break from being sole person able to feed him. But then I feel guilty for feeling that way, and I would feel guilty that my first child had three months of some breastmilk while when there is no real reason to give up, second child would have had less.
More background, as if you needed it - DH is aware of all of the above and thinks a trip to the GP is in order however my experience in this area has been mixed - I saw a GP in the early days of not eating in my teens who told me to drink a few milkshakes if my weight dipped too low, I saw one at university who, when told my periods had stopped - retrospectively obviously due to not eating enough - said either I was pregnant or there was nothing wrong and stop wasting his time and put me off talking to medical professionals for a long time, and I saw a doctor some time after that who gave me three months of Prozac, which didn't really help.
Thank you if you've ploughed through all this. I just want to stop feeling like this and put it all behind me before I end up screwing my kids up too. :(