Anyone Else with Partner in Merchant Navy?

[Nickster1981]

Hi there

I am new to this thread and looking for any other mum's whose partners are in the Merchant Navy. Apologies if there is already a thread for this but would love to hear from anyone who is in a similar position to myself - recently had a baby and finding it challenging at times when he is at sea...and at home !

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Nickster

Hi Nickster

Did you mean to post in mental Health? I mean, you're welcome here

But you may not get many responses. You may get more responses in _chat or even in Forces Sweethearts?

Thanks for that madmouse. I wasn't really too sure where to post but thought mental health might apply as feeling a bit low. Have tried the others so fingers crossed. Thank you!

N

How old is your baby? Will your dp be home for Christmas?

There is another poster on here whose DH is away for long stretches at a time. I will ask her to have a look at your post.

I don't know how you do it - I had a week on my own recently as my dh was on retreat and part of it was camping with a friend and her dcs, plus my ds is 2 so not a newborn. I found it really hard so I can imagine you feel a bit low.

Do you have any family or close friends near you?

Hello Nickster!
Julie here. Madmouse has been in touch to let me know about your posting. I hope you don't mind.
I had a baby in April, my first, and have had a traumatic time of it, and seeking counselling now, which is helping. My husband works offshore on the boats as an R.O.V pilot, and is often away on huge trips, infact, he is just home from a 55 day trip!!!!
I find it SO very hard!!!!!! I am on my own, not really got anyone to help me, so totally feel your pain!!!
How long is your partner away for at a time???
How old is your baby?
If i can help, please let me know, am willing to listen, talk, share experiences.....
Julie x

p.s Nickster, i meant to say that i was having (an still am at times) a horrendous time, and did lots of online searching for 'help'. I found mumsnet a great source of help, peace of mind, support,infact, that is where i 'met' madmouse, and now we are friends on facebook, and text each other too! She was a fantastic help to me when i was at my lowest, and still is! She checks up on me regularly when my husband is away to make sure i am doing ok! She is lovely! Just wish we lived closer so i could meet her!!!!
Where are you based? I am in the Highlands of Scotland.
Julie x

Hello Madmouse and Julie!

Madmouse thanks so much for passing my message on - I really appreciate it. Well done you on surviving the week without your DH. I think it must be harder when you are not used to it and especially camping...I'm impressed!

I do have extremely supportive parents who recently moved to the area and lovely friends. I just hate being dependent on anyone and end up getting so frustrated because know of nobody in my situation.

I hope you and your wee one are good and looking forward to a nice festive season!

Hi Julie

I am so so sorry to hear that you find it very hard too. From a very very selfish point of view it's such a relief to feel I am not the only one who finds it difficult. Did you have a wee boy or wee girl?

55 days must have felt like such a long stretch. How long is he home for this time?

I had my baby in August and although she is a fantastic baby who so far sleeps all night, I am really struggling to stay positive whilst my DH is away. My husband also works offshore. He used to be worldwide and away six weeks/home six weeks but when I fell pregant secured another job which means he is away three weeks/home three weeks which is so much better.

I have searched online in vain to find someone in the same position. Even though people are very well meaning I just always have that feeling that nobody really understands. My parents are amazingly supportive but I find it very hard to ask for help as hate feeling dependent. I actually considered seeking counselling after I had my baby as I had a pretty traumatic birth experience and ended up with a general anasthetic c-section.

I live in the Glasgow area but was brought up in Shetland. Although I have lived here for a long time I can't help but feel it must make it easier if you live in a community with other people in the same position.

Do you find it really isolating? I know it's hard for my husband being away but at the end of the day I know that he loves his job. I have tried to explain to him that at least on his ship everyone is in the same position. I feel so fed up watching everyone else having a 'normal' life and get so envious of my friends whose husbands come home every night.

Then sometimes I feel bad when my DH is home bbecause he's been away I find it hard to adapt to him being back home again...he can't win!

How long is your DH home for? I hope you are ok. Has the counselling helped at all?

Nic X

P.S Meant to say thanks so much for getting in touch. Would love to keep in contact and hopefully it will help us both!

Hi there, I'm another one whose partner is away at work for weeks at a time. I have an 8 week old son and also had an emergency caesarian with general anaesthetic so understand what thats like too x

Hi Lelarose, thanks so much for your response and congratulations on the birth of your son! I hope you have recovered from the birth, if anything like me you probably still taking a wee while to recover. How are you both now? Was your partner home for the birth? What line of week is your partner in?

Hope you are doing okay. My wee girl is 19 weeks tomorrow and I promise you it gets easier.

Where abouts are you based?

Nickster

Hi Nickster.
I had a little girl, Evie, she was born almost 8 weeks early, in April.
It was such a huge, huge, terrifying shock, and resulted 4 days later after a horendous ordeal in an emergency section too. I was in hospita for 12 days with various complications (some still present), and wee Evie ws in SCBU for a month, with various complications too, but has rallied round really well, and is now doing amazingly well.
i, like you, are really independent, i am an only child, and am not that close to my parents. I too find it really hard to ask for help, in fact, i just don't! I struggle on myself. I do not think it selfish that you feel like this, i too feel the same - and back in August and September, i spent weeks searching online for people who 'get this' and all the other problems i had too. I was really struggling emotionally, and posted on here - you may find the link if you search under mental health for prem baby - emotional probs etc.. I'm not often on here at the moment, so emailing me directly may be best, i don't mind passinig on my details - [email protected]

Sounds good that your hubbyis now on shorter rotations! My hubby isn't on a set rota, so not so good, no way of knowing how long he is home fr am afraid.
Hope you are ok tonight.
Keep in touch xxxxxxx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/premature_birth/1025970-Struggling-mentally-emotionally-after-traumatic-premature-birth

this is the link for my original post Nickster, if you wish a read!

Julie x

Try coming over to the Forces Sweethearts section. Lots of us on there have DPs/DHs deployed for extended periods of time and whilst there are differences we're probably more in the same boat than a lot of posters on here.

I think it can be a mental health issue as being alone without your partner for long stretches when you have a new baby can really affect your state of mind, as can a traumatic birth experience.

My partner works offshore, no set work pattern which makes it quite difficult as never know when he is going or coming back.

I have recovered physically really well from the birth, but mentally not so great, but am getting by.

It is hard when thety are away, but as one of you said, also tricky when they come home as in my case anyway it tends to disrupt the routine me and my son have got into when we are on our own.

I am lucky in that he will be home for xmas, what about you guys?

I didn't mean to say it wasn't a MH issue - sorry if you took it that way. Just trying to point out another avenue for support for posters who have partners who are frequently not around and can maybe help with practical stuff who wouldn't think to post on MH.

oh no I never took it like that at all, sure there is great support there goldfrakkincense. Having a partner in the forces mustbe SO hard, I often think of that when I'm struggling a bit.

It's tough but actually it helps living on/near a base because deployments are as a ship or unit so everyone pulls together, unless you're unfortunate enough to be married to my DH at the moment . Also we don't typically have to deal with the coming/going at random times - deployments are usually for a fixed period, fairly lengthy, and you just get on with. Unless of course you're unfortunate enough to be married to my DH :(

GoldFrakkincenseAndMyrrh thanks so much for your postings. I feel th3e same as Lelarose as it must be so hard.

No wonder you feel like you had a crap day with that phonecall. I get so angry even if my husband goes back to sea a day early!!

It's really nice that you are so supportive even of those whose partners aren't in forces! Looking forward to keeping up with you in Forces Sweethearts where there seems to be a large number of friendly mums!

Lelarose, thanks for your postings. It is really tough. Like you it took me a long time to recover mentally and I felt in total shock for a long time after my wee girl was born with lots of flashbacks.

The thing I find the hardest is being soley responsible for all the decisions. I am a big worrier anyway but the birth made me feel totally inadequate as a mother and for the first few months of my baby's life I felt like she hated me. I can't help but feel if my husband was home he would talk me out of the negative frame of mind I get in with some logical thinking.

That's so good that your partner is home for Christmas, do you know roughly how long he is home for? X

I never know when he will be going away next, its always really last minute, so you have my sympathy goldfrakkinsense for your phonecall the other day.

Nickster- I felt inadequate too for not being conscious when he was born, then when they brought him to me for the first time I was still so out of it I can hardly remember it. I had to get over this by saying to myself every day, he was healthy thats all that matters- I am a big worrier too so spent most of my pregnancy imagining all kinds of things going wrong.

Is your man home for xmas?

Hi Lelarose

So sorry have been at my parents for Christmas and didn't manage to get online. Hope you had a good one with the new addition? That must be so difficult not knowing when he is going. I would find that really difficult. I am the world's worst at risking spoiling the time he has at home by worrying about when he is going to go away again!! I always feel like our life is like an egg timer trickling towards him going away.

With regards to the birth of your baby I know exactly what you mean. I was in total shock when they lay my baby on me after I woke up from the anas. I was the exact same and can barely remember it and had this strong feeling of 'I've just been handed a baby'. It sounds ridiculous but I felt for quite a while after the birth that I was still pregnant and the baby that had been handed to me wasn't mine!! It took quite a while to get over this. I felt that my baby looked at me and was angry!

I was invited back to the hospital to discuss what had gone wrong which really, really helped. How are you feeling now Lelarose? And how did you manage over Christmas?

My husband is still away and it's now looking unlikely he'll be home for hogmany. Think this trip has been really hard for him.

XX

Hi ladies,

I too have been looking for women who are in the same boat (pardon the pun) :-) throughout my pregnancy. My partner is in Merchant Navy too. In fact he just completed his course and is starting his first job on 7th January '11. The thing is I'm 34wks today, due on the 8th feb but have been told they will prob induce me 2wks before then because of my high blood pressure. I'm so stressed that he won't be here and of becoming so isolated when the wee one is here. Then there is all the practical things too !! I have parents who stay an hour away and friends just round the corner but when I have hinted to them about helping out I feel as if they get it!!!

X

Should have said feel they don't get it oooopps!!

Have private message you Cocobanjo! X

It is so so nice to know that there are so many of us 'in the same boat'!!!
Hope you all had a lovely Christmas & New Year!
Our first Xmas as a family was just perfect!!!!
Daddy got home on the 8th Dec, after a 55 day trip!!!!! SO glad he got home!!!!!
He's still here, and due to go back any day! Hope work forgets to phone him for a while yet!!!!
Take care ladies, and keep in touch!

Julie xxx