PND? Along with everything else.

[thatsinkingfeeling]

My baby is 2 months old, I am up again, I can't sleep.

I don't know what to do. I have started googling PND after, I can't even write this as I am so upset, and I don't know why bit I need to ask people, so must try.

I have been pretty much tied to the house, young dc's, new baby, not well, no car. Going to the dr's or hospital and that is about it.

I found myself the other day not going to a social event involving the children which reduced me to tears, as I then realised I don't want to leave the house any more, I feel I can't.

I just can't focus, my headaches are getting worse, I can't sleep properly my patters are screwed, yet I am exhausted.

Very stressful birth, very sick pregnancy, I was in hospital for a long time and may as well not have exisited in his world.

I think there are 100's of issues all mashed up and I don't know how to untangle it all.

I just can't cope with anything, the slighest issue I wish I could just run away and not face up to things. I feel so trapped with everything, trapped in my life, just trapped.

I feel like just destroying it all, walking away from my DH and leaving him just because I can.

We are due to move house soon. WTF am I supposed to do. I may even be living on my own for a while before hand.

He is not very understanding, and although he tries I think he dosen't know what to say to me, so he makes me worse and upsets me even more, he just wants me to be happy.

What to say to that? I don't feel I can trust him to tell him how I really feel. It exposes a vunerability doesn't it?

Who wants a fat, post baby miserable wife at home, when he will be meeting all sorts of new young women in his job, having jolly times away.

Should I cut my losses and start building my own life now?

Why don't I just finish now and quicker before he does?

None of this is logical is it. I know it, so why do I feel like it, please help me understand.

My weight too, I have out on 7lb in a few weeks and I am just so fat right now and nothing seems to be shrinking back apart from my boobs sagging to my knees.

I just can't trust him at all, he knows this and knows why. He looked up his ex's on fb and other random women last time I was in hospital.

He did it behing my back, and lied and hid it (or tried to) I know he didn't do anything else, nor have the time but, I do think he has the potential there to be a strayer, because of the deceit involved in something fairly innocent and doing it in my absence. It's something that he has never understood my concern for, but my issue was the sly ways in which he acted. Ignoring me and being cold with me when I was ill and looking up other women! It showed me he is not immune to temptation and lying when my back is turned, and I do wonder if he would have eventually made contact.

But now I feel like destroying it all, cheating and getting my own back to prove a point, why? He didn't cheat, or even message them, I do know that 100%.

He is the one man I thought I could trust, I suppose I had him on a pedestal and now I don't. I haven't told him I love him for ages and meant it as I can't risk lowering that barrier to him, or another man again. So he won't get that I am having emotional issues I think.

It's stupid really, but I do think we need couples counselling as I can't get past it and he dosen't get why. So on top of everything else it's just eating me and the relationship from the inside out and I will end up destroying it. I would like to work it out if it's possible, I don't know yet.

It's probably highly relevant to this thread, I have had previous history of an abusive relationship, child abuse and cheating lots in the family. Non of which I have ever discussed in great length, including the abuse even though it's "public" knowledge so no secret, I never had counselling.

How do I fix this please help me

I'm in the midst of feeding and toddler wake up so can't post long, but it sounds like you really need a big hug from a good friend and to talk to a professional. Tiredness/exhaustion is unbearable with LO, and I sufferered pnd with my first as a result a whole host of things. I found diet/exercise/having a break from Ds and counseling sorted me out, but it took time. Please speak to your Gp or hv and get some help.

Got to go and sort Ds out...but didn't want your post to go unrecognized :)

Take a deep breath. You've got a lot on your plate and if you think of it as a huge turmoil of issues then it does seem incredibly overwhelming. I have PND and I know how debilitating it is, regardless of any other issues you might be going through - it also puts a very foggy grey lens on things so I would say don't make any major decisions until you've taken steps to sort yourself out.

Your wellbeing is the first priority in order to function so seek help from a professional. I know it's hard to admit vulnerability but it will ultimately make you stronger and you've already made the first move by acknowledging your feelings. That's great.

A lot of mums with PND will tell you how hard it is and that you need to be patient and not too hard on yourself. Try and give yourself a break -you've been through an awful lot and there is an emotional cost to this.

You'll feel a lot more positive if you talk it through with someone who can provide help. Remember, baby steps and don't expect too much from yourself. Look after yourself and don't despair - there is a way out of it no matter how bleak it may seem right now.

Feeling for you

When my daughter arrived i hated my life. Felt isolated, paranoid that husband would leave, wanted my baby to die i felt so scared and confused. Best advice is see GP and talk
to someone, anyone who you can trust. MN was huge lifeline. You are not alone. You May feel it but it gets easier. You Maynot believe it now but it really does. PND is a terrifying dark place. Just take it a day at a time. Or start small... An hour at a time... Make yourself go out. It does help.

X

Had PND and it's a horrible, dark and lonely place and my partner found it very difficult to understand and support me. Like you, there were loads of other issues as well and it all just built up.

You need to talk to someone - a GP or health visitor and get some support. There's also Home Start who may be able to send someone to come and help you and give you some respite and rest. Your health visitor can refer you to them as well and that's usually quicker.
I know it can be worrying talking to a professional (I felt like such a failure and where would I start?) but they really do help.

As others have said, you will come through this but it does take time and lots of little steps.

Big hug x