DH's depression and alcohol abuse

[BringOnTheGoat]

DH has been depressed for some time and has been prescribed anti-depressants. He has a history of serious drinking and occassionally smokes cannabis aswell. His Dr also gave him sleeping tablets.

DH has not taken tablets consistently and has been drinking heavily. I beleive he has become detatched from me and sought solace elsewhere as he is finding life so hard to deal with.

DH has left our family home and moved in with another woman. Says he loves her not me and he can no longer take our volatile relationship. I admit we have argued a lot, i had PND and added with his depression and drinking we have had difficult times.

I am getting help to cope and deal with my anger but DH refuses to deal with his drinking or depression.

I am at a loss for how to help him. I know he will regret leaving - he did so before and said it was biggest mistake of his life. He runs away as a coping mechanism and has done since childhood (when he was sexually abused).

Can anyone help - I feel utterly devastated.

I'm going to sound so awfully harsh and unhelpful but you can't help him, not one bit.

Even if he hadn't decided to leave you he would have been the one to take steps and fix himself. You can support someone who tries to get better - you cannot fix someone who is destroying himself.

I'm an abuse survivor and I recognise the running away and the need for coping strategies, but I too had to get so ill (with PTSD) that I acknowledged the need for treatment and started the fight to get better. You really can't do it for him.

What you need to focus on now is yourself, and your own getting better process and your dc (assuming you have dcs)

Do not whatever you do entertain any thoughts along the lines of 'If he was with me i could make him better' or 'Once he is back in his right frame of mind he will come back to me' - it holds you back. Work on your own life now

Sorry if harsh

So sorry for how you are feeling and sexual abuse in childhood is a life sentence, but as Madmouse says you have to acknowledge that you need help and seek that help. He will never forget the abuse, but I think withthe right kind of therapy that over time it "shakes down" into something more manageable.

Sorry BontheG - I agree with what Madmouse is saying and I think you will have to start to believe that too if you are going to get any piece of mind, which you surely deserve.

I do need to wrok on my own life. I do need peace of mind.

you're right that he needs to get help. i know he won't but I have to stop seeing that as my problem.

I'm worried about falling back into depression when coping alone.

I think BriOtheG that you are more likely to "fall back" into depression with your DH around, indulging himself with misusing alcohol and smoking cannabis and causing you more stress by his behaviour, even if it is an attempt to blot out the pain, it won't work.

It sounds like you have been trying to deal with your own PND and his depression and alcohol abuse all at the same time. You need to see this as a respite period from all of that. Could you get some therapy for yourself - thatis what you must concentrate on - getting yourself into a more balanced way of thinking and feeling.

I am sure your H will tire of the other woman (or she will of him) when she sees what he is really like and is tired of "propping him up" and that is when he will want to head home again for you to "prop him up" and that is when you need to have the strength to refuse to go back down that road - as it will be a risk to your own mental health.

PLEASE believe that YOU need to be concentrating on yourself and doing whatever that takes - can you afford some therapy? You can usually get about 6 sessions of CBT on the NHS but there is usually a long waiting list.

Have you any support that you can rely on. I just also wondered if Christmas was heightening your emotions - it's not really like on the adverts you know - I'm sure it all causes far more friction and tension than it does happiness. Divorce lawyers gear themselves up for the busiest month of the year - January!

Your emotional equilibrium is fragile - try to strengthen it little by little, and I am sure you are less likely to fall back into depression without him than with him.

Sending you strength and all best wishes

Based on what you say on here I wonder if there are elements of co-dependency in your relationship with your dh?

If you are not familiar with the term maybe talk it over with your doctor, a counsellor or someone from al-anon or someone else who knows rather than googling the term because it is complex.

It means something along the lines of you too strongly needing to care for your dh or you at some level needing to stay in an unhealthy relationship with him. Repressed anger on your side can be a red flag for it.

I'm not saying this as any kind of expert though so if you think it may be relevant discuss it with someone who knows more than I do.

You will get better quicker without him draining you. It's time to think about yourself not him. In time you will see that a depressive whining addict dumping you for someone else is going to be the best (and proably only decent) thing he ever did for you.
Best of luck.

Thanks again for replies. It sometimes feel like my head will explode if I don't talk to someone and get all of this out.

I think it's hard as I almost don't want to admit he was difficult to live with - I keep looking back to the good parts - being cuddled, his compliments, just being together and part of a couple. I try to think on the bad parts - when he sometimes got in the habit of staying up all night, when he drank excessively, when he rarely wanted to go out as a family, that he only enjoyed us going out drinking on our rare days just the two of us.

I am going to get counselling and will speak to Dr re CBT. I do want to focus on myself and my DD but am scared of what the future holds for us. I am confused about how we will cope financially and what I should do next.

We did go to relate and our counsellor said we were co-dependant. Lots to think on and talk about when I go back.

You could also go to CAB to talk about financial issues. They are very good and if you make an appointment they can tell you the best time to go for someone who specialises in finance/housing/legal issues.

There are lots of MNs who have separated out from abusive partners and like you have remembered the good times and wondered if they were doing the right thing. That is for you to decide but I think you deserve better. They will also be able to help with practical issues, finance, housing etc etc. Maybe in you post in "Relationships" too and ask for practical help in going it alone you will get help and support as many MNs have done just that and can help.

Interesting that you appear to be co-dependent. You can become dependent on his depence on you - another issue to think about.

That's a really good idea to go to CAB. I did get advice last time we split froma (very expensive) solicitor. I was scared I could be put out on the street with nothing - very paranoid at the time.

He did say he would let me keep the house when it happened before but I can't imagine that would be true. He was never materialistic but feel he said that to ease his conscience (sp!). Can't imagine OW wouldn't have something to say about it too.

I have posted this in realtionships - will maybe update for practical advice.

Thanks for keeping posting - it is hard at the moment