I guess by asking the question that means now. I'm writing this down mainly to try and see it all, as I struggle to maintain thoughts more than one sentence long.
Some background facts:
I have a 9 month DD
I returned to work at 4 months. I am the states so not unusual here. However 2 weeks before I started the job I was in the UK so have moved countries recently.
DH is a SAHD and finds it stressful.
I've made no friends here, apart from those I speak to at work, but haven't clicked with anyone.
I have no time to make friends. This job is my first post-doc. I am expected to work overtime.
My boss is generally nice but does try and get everything he can out of people and has a way of telling you what you do just as your trying to do something, regardless of whether it's the weekend. No acknowledgment of fact you're working overtime (when normally I'd expect a little bit of a more relaxed attitude or something is better than nothing. Has a habbit of saying I have a job for you to do right now, versus asking you do have a moment. Small differences but sometimes make a difference.
Oh in order to do the post-doc I had to finish my PhD so was working two days a week from 1 month, so I guess a quite stressful environment for a long time as when I was pregnant I was trying to get as much done as possible.
DD is not a sleeper and I breast feed. I express once a day at work. Since we limit how much milk she has during the day, I feel obliged to feed her when she wants at night. Good nights, she wakes/feeds every 3 hours. Normally a few wakings inbetween but is quickly put back to sleep.
Rent is expensive here so we have a 1 bedroom apartment, so no escape. If she's awake I'm generally awake.
A post-doc is when you expected to do as much research as you can in two years and get good publications. If you don't you've effectively done nothing career wise. Normally need a couple of post-docs to get a more permanent position and things calm down.
Back to me:
Have noticed I've been up and down for the last maybe 4 months. Was just maybe a 4-5days down, thought it was just hormones being a bit whack mid-cycle. I find it hard to hide when I'm down (always have done)
I always been prone to down sessions, but maybe lack of proper job and baby meant I had the room to get through it fine.
For the past few days things feel like they're getting to a head. I can't concentrate. Keep making stupid mistakes because I can't think. Feel like crying at least 6 times a day.
Been unable to motivate myself to go for a run.
I also lack motivation at work. My desk environment isn't great for relaxing but nonetheless it isn't impossible. I find when I'm not in the lab and clear physical things to do I can't do work at my desk. There's loads I could/should be doing e.g. reading/analysing/running simulations but I just procrastinate. Until this week I had been kinda OK with it, but now my lab work is suffering from mistakes.
Been aware that while boss has been annoying, I'm reacting more upset than the situation calls for.
I got the wrong bus home this evening because I saw a bus and just got on it.
In a meeting yesterday I was playing around with my pen and had the urge to dig it into me as hard as I could. Then realised I relaxed when I felt pain. For the past day I've been resisting (and failing somewhat) the urge to bite into my hand.
It's not uncommon for me to struggle to sleep but has been harder lately.
How much of this is normal. Up until this week I'd just felt it was my normal self just a bit worse, but with liking pain thing I'm a bit unsure now (even though I'm a wimp so don't think I'd really hurt myself). Only had one moment where I've felt panicky, I wouldn't describe myself as feeling anxiety.
I don't like opening up or open ended questions. The idea of going to the doc and him/her asking so what's wrong. I don't think I could answer.
I don't feel like I could have time off work. I only get two weeks holiday and I'm using it to travel to the UK at xmas, which tbh feels like a chore and we're only doing it because I feel guilty about taking DD out of the country so early.
I haven't told everything to DH as he would worry too much and get me to stop everything. I don't know if I'm sad because of the job or just because.
If in a few days I'm feel happier again does that mean that the problem is just mild? I should just get on with it?