Shit, Im falling apart again... ED's and depression.

[OracleInaCoracle]

Ive been a reecovering anorexic since i was very young, in fact went on my forst diet age 6 and by 9 I was seriously underweight. I was admitted aged 14 and since then my weight has been very up (by that i mean a size 8-10) and down (very, very small). when my mood drops so does my weight and i dont realise.

after ds was born I had severe PND and I was under an EDT for 4 years he discharged me last year. since then ive been ok. bit up and down, but ok.

im falling apart again though. my mood swings have been awful and when im bad im awful. I have no patience, im exhausted and feel ill all the time, i keep crying ayt the littlest things, then im so angry i could kill someone. today i was walking with ds, a 4x4 was coming towards us and I had to fight the urge to step in front of it.

I went into a shop, picked up a dress on a size 12 hanger (never been a 12 in my life) and figured that it looked like it would fit me, maybe even be small. got into changing room, tried it on and it was enormous. i picked up and 18 and was sure it would fit me. my perceptive re my body has totally shifted and I dont know what to do, ive been on and of ADs for ages and I know i need to go back on them but im too scared to go to the doctors. im paranoid and angry.

shit.
shit.
shit.

What real life support do you have? Dh/dp, sisters/brothers, Mum friends, etc.

Have you had counselling? Can you go back for some 'booster' sessions?

Sorry don't know what an EDT is...

Did anything happen to start you feeling down?

my dh is great, but has just started a new job, I also think he is getting pissed off with having to pick me up every five minutes, my lil sis is moving back over here but she is also starting a new job so will be very busy, mil is great but doesnt understand. figures that if youre hungry, you eat. but after so long i no longer get hungry. and its my mums fault that im such a fuck up in the first place. ive been down since my last mc and this month has been difficult because my period was v late nd has been squiffy so im pretty sure i know whats happened. my EDT is an eating disorders therpist, I can go onto fast track because i lose weight so quickly, but thats still a 4w wait and i dont know if i can hold it together that long

Get yourself onto the Fast Track list asap.

Get yourself to the doctor asap. Enlist your family/friends to help you make it happen if you can't do it on your own.

In the meantime, can you set yourself a reasonable daily menu that you eat whether or not you're hungry? Nothing big, just nutritious - i'm sure you know not eating makes you tired/grumpy/impatient - in general, far less able to cope with whatever comes up.

If you're feeling bad about yourself, can you make yourself do it for your ds/dh?

Did your therapist give you any books/techniques to use in the past that you can use now?

i'll call tomorrow. the problem is that not eating makes me feel better. the idea of food when im like this repulses me, i know its a case of "fix the mood, fix the weight" but i dont want to go to the doctors, last time they made noises about admitting me again and I would rather die than let that happen. I cant let ds know that his mother is a nutjob who cant hold it together for longer than a couple of months.

But how exactly does it make you feel better not to eat?

What foods can you bear to eat?

You know what will happen if you continue on this path, so you need to try to look at the big picture and force yourself to eat a bit every day - even if only broth/soup and a sliced apple with peanut butter on.

Does your dh know you're 'in trouble'? If not, you need to tell him.

In future, think you/dh need to be vigilant about what might trigger you into this mental space. And then when something happens, be aggressive about getting help before you slide into a dark place.

A miscarriage is deeply upsetting, and you have my sympathies. But please try to view it as a separate thing to be dealt with on its' own, rather than allowing it to trigger you into a major whole-life episode.

Think you have to give yourself a great deal of credit though for recognising where you are atm, and for knowing you need help. Please make sure you get it, and make sure your dh and family help/monitor you until help arrives (and after too).

not eating makes me happy. I feel less panicky and wrong when i dont eat. and... just happier i guess. I tried docs today and they had no appointments, Ive sent an email to my former EDT to get soem advise.

You sound in a very dark place.

I'm no professional, but - while the mood swings probably are chemical/psychological (triggered by a life event, perhaps), it seems that your general physical and emotional state is aggravated by not eating.

In OP you write: ' my mood swings have been awful and when im bad im awful. I have no patience, im exhausted and feel ill all the time, '

To me - what you are describing is what happens to a person who is exhausted, and not eating. And depressed.

You say you feel better when you don't eat - but that is not how your posts read. Also, you write about feeling panicky that you could be admitted due to what is going on with you - and you don't want that.

Seems to me you can either 'control' yourself through not eating in the short term, and have possibly bad consequences long term as a result. Or, you can 'control' yourself by eating/taking care of yourself now (and deal with how it makes you feel) because you know in the long term your life will be better for it.

Not sure that makes sense?

In the meantime - when you say the docs had no appointments.....do you mean for today? This week? Did you tell them it is an emergency? Because it sounds as if it is. Call back and make them fit you in.

You know what you need to do to get back on the path to recovery. Take it a step at a time - and keep the long term goal in mind.

Please get the help you need as soon as possible.

the problem is that not eating does make me happier. by starving myself I get a rush of endorphins/adrenaline and I quickly reach the point of not being hungry. I know i need to do something now, but there doesnt seem much point. the gp is full today and all week, i have to keep ringing for emergency appointments.

ps sorry about spelling/typo's am appalled at myself.

Lissie ((HUG))

Can you just eat. Anything, whatever it is. Think of your DS and eat something. Force yourself to by thinking about how much you don't want to be admitted.

As someone else said, what techniques did your EDT teach you?

I'm sorry that I can't really help :(

It might make you 'happier' momentarily not to eat - but will being admitted make you happy - can't you use this ??

i think im just scared that i will fall into the trap again, im already getting panicky about going out over christmas, i dont want people to see me. but right now its just easier to not eat than to eat iykwim. i loathe myself for being so weak and paranoid.

lissielou, I think I understand when you say you feel better not eating.

For everyone kindly urging lissielou to eat, it really is impossible to eat when in this state of mind. To eat means that it probably sets off a real sense of panic and fear.

Lissielou, it is so hard to feel better when things look so bad. Please don't concentrate on Christmas or anything too far in the future, the future is not here yet! Concentrate on today and only today. Write a quick list of things to do, such as ringing the doctor and chasing up the EDT. And other things to help yourself feel better. You know, things to nurture yourself, take a bath, go for a walk, put perfume on and smell the lovely scent. Wear something cuddly. Anything to bring you into the present, and help you to bring some calm and peace within you. Don't panic over food. When you feel better, food won't be such a problem, as you know.

I will check this thread later, to see how you are feeling. Keep talking to us please.

Oh, and you are not being weak and paraonoid. Not eating is a coping mechanism for you. You have been strong to ask for help. Try to think positively, you could "nip this in the bud" by asking for help now. Don't think about the rapid weight loss, it may not happen (but I do understand the fear).

Sorry :(

As I said, I really don't understand... I just feel so awful that I can't help, but maybe not 'helping' is a better option Please just know that you are being heard and people here do care x

Midnight makes a lot of sense. I hope you hear back from your EDT today ((HUGS))

thank you for all your advice, not heard from EDT (but wasnt really expecting to) managed a couple of chips nd a mince pie. not healthy, but its food.

I am also a recovered anorexic...I well remember the confsion and horror that buying a dress could cause me...picking up a dress and finding it swathing you....or getting hysterical because it touches your hips...it's an ongoing struggle that never leaves...it can rear it's head again in times of stress or upheaval...you have done eactly the right thing in calling your advisor

Can you manage to drink enough and perhaps eat something like RedyBrek in small portions? Or at least fruit...cut it up andhave it next to you if possible.

You are ok...you are ok because you know it's gone pear shaped. xxx

the dress thing really freaked me out, I was so sure it would fit me. I didnt realise my body image was so distorted.

I keep going backwards and forwards with ed (anorexia too) but ok at the moment. I used to put food on the table, and each time I passed the plate, I took a small amount and ate as I walked to keep me occupied while I ate it. It worked quite well as an emergency measure. So pleased you could eat something. And for what it's worth, I am still not "up" to eating healthy, but I am not focussing on what I am eating, as long as I can manage it. So please don't focus on what you are eating, could you put things you like on the table to eat small amounts during the day?

Hope you get some help tomorrow. Did you do anything nice today to help nuture yourself?

lissielou, before I start, I have no real life experience of ED, so disregard if it doesn't help

I was reading your posts, and it sounds like eating is a huge thing for you (understatement, I know), but can you drink? How does drinking feel? Do you have the same repulsion?

I was thinking that if you could drink a few small nutritious things like banana milkshake, or whatever, it might bypass your need to eat until you can see someone?

Lissielou. How are you today? Have you had any news from GP or EDT?

I would like to share something with you, if I may. I am on the path to overcoming or living with anorexia, it is behaving itself at the moment! Anyway, I had a real insight last night, and I wanted to share it, it may help you in some way.

Last night my dh said something which made me feel very angry. My usual response to this is to withdraw. I go completely quiet, and feel awful.

Saturday night, however, I was about to withdraw in a different situation. I was in a pub ready to order a meal for a relative's birthday. There was a lot of family there. I felt intense pressure and fear, and started to panic. I didn't want to eat. I didn't want to be there. THEN SOMETHING HAPPENED. My brother in law started to talk to me. And I enjoyed his conversation. I started to relax, and I realised something so important.

Talking is better than withdrawing.

Is that something that resonates with you? Because not eating is withdrawing. It is a way of expressing anger/fear etc.

Can you express your fears/anger in a better way, can you talk to someone? Write it down somewhere ready to talk to the EDT? To explore why you are feeling bad by analysing it would be such a good thing to do.

Does that make sense at all??!!

Could you talk things through here? MN is good for writing things down, because we won't judge you, we don't know you!

Hope you read this. Hope you have a better day. Sending you best wishes xx

thanks all, am doing a little better, dh has noticed (which makes me feel like shit) but I finally have an appointment for the doctor tomorrow afternoon, I will ask for a referral back to EDT.

hey lissie.

first of all wanted to say the positives - you are really self aware and know what your signs are - the body dysmorphia, not eating etc and feeling suicidal impulses have all been duly noted by you and you knew you had to take action because things could spiral rapidly down from there.

my thought is that maybe you need to accept that this is something that will not magically go away and will need you to constantly treat. it struck me that you've been on and off the AD's. ask yourself honestly whether every time you come off the AD's you are near back to square one within 6 months or so. if that's the case it may be time to face that you need to take them. believe me i wish i didn't have to and have repeatedly gone through times of stopping, feeling good to be free of meds, determined i don't need/want them and then slowly gradually having to acknowledge that things are going downhill and that the decline is increasing in speed and getting dangerous

another thought was have you ever tried mirtazapine? it is an AD that works very fast on anxiety and depression. very good for anxiety, very good for getting you to have good quality sleep. i wish i could take it but unfortunately for me the side effect of increased hunger was too much for me. for you it could be excellent and help you to maintain a regular appetite (for me it made me a gannet).

if you haven't tried it it might be a good idea to discuss it with your doctor tomorrow. it sounds like the depression/anxiety and the ED are tied in for you - one triggers the other and then that exacerbates the first and vicious circle ensues.

sorry if this is off track or not addressing the 'feelings' etc. but i've come to accept (as best i can, still not totally) that things can just recur and recur, that they just are - whatever their initial cause or emotional/circumstantial starting point the reality is they just happen now and they need treating and dealing with in the way that works even if you don't like that way. hope this makes some sense.

well done on making the doctors appointment - that's the hard bit i know but from there things start to turn around again.

Hi Lissielou, so pleased you posted again, I was wondering how you were getting on. Hope you have a good weekend, let us know how things are next week?