Will it ever get better?

[worriedaboutmyman]

Feel free not to respond - I need a place to vent and good old Mumsnet is it tonight.

DH was diagnosed with depression about 18m ago - stress related. I knew there was a problem a few months earlier but he was in denial ? I posted under this name change then.

He apparently had been suffering from sleep problems after DD was born 4 years ago. He would wake up then not resettle so was running on empty all the time.

So was I - new born then toddler with sleep problems herself etc. BFing until 2 years.... SO I guess I was feeling a bit unsympathetic!

He has always been a pessimist and negative character - I am normally very positive and optimistic.

However after a few months of dealing with his diagnosis and being sleep deprived myself I became ill - physically I thought but then 1 major anxiety attack and I was in A&E with heart palpitations. Then trips to GP in tears, diazepam etc to calm me - all the time worrying still about himself!

So now I was "mentally ill" as well.

We went back to GP together and got an appointment with a Psychiatrist jointly. He is OK but I find him a bit wet and DH just lies to him. DH is too clever really - we both drink too much (wine of an evening) and I know that does not help, he drinks far more than me. When the Dr told him this he promised to stop but still does. On repeat visits he always says he is cutting back when actually he is drinking more.

We were both put on Citalipram 20mg and because he lied to dr we have cut back to 10mg.

I still feel very anxious alot of the time - mainly worrying about DH - he knows I got ill worrying about him so now I think he is putting on a front thinking I won't feel ill if I think he is well.....

Anyway - I think that really we are still where we were 18 months ago and I worry that our DD is getting old enough to be affected and that I will never have another child if I have to worry about DH finding it too hard.

I am rambling on but it is cathartic to write it down.

Any insights are welcome - I know you will all say "talk to him" "Stop drinking" and "give yourself a slap" but as always there is more to things than that.

I say do whatever you need to get your own mental health back. Accept that it may mean separation from your DH, who is not helping himself and is dragging you down with him. It sounds like an unhealthy co-dependant relationship to me and changes need to be made. If he is unwilling to make them, then you must.

Thanks so much for replying - however that isn't an option for me. I can't think of anything worse than living without him. We have been together since we were teenagers and are a part of each other - hence I resonded so strongly to him being ill I suppose.

Yes we are co-dependent but in the good ways and bad! I really need some advice on how to talk to him about his habits and making him more positive...... I feel so bad now, should never have posted as it is making me feel anxious again.

You need to keep posting. You are in a bad situation maybe someone will be along to help you more than I can. Have you had any therapy on your own?

Can you please start seeing mental health professionals on your own so that you can be honest about your situation and get the care you need? I'm worried that you write 'we have been cut down to 10mg because he lied'.

I know a bit where you are coming from as dh and I have been/are unwell together as well. I am coming out of complex PTSD and dh is on the way up after a particularly nasty bout of depression following a breakdown. It's been hell in a teapot at times and what has saved us is seeing our own counsellors and being totally honest there without having to save the other one's feeings and our friends. One friend in particular has done a lot of the supporting that dh would have given me if he hadn't been ill himself and I can be honest and say that this friend has saved my life, literally speaking once, metaphorically speaking hundreds of times.

You can get through this together, but with some outside help. And you cannot make him better no matter how hard you try so do try to work on your own healing.

For a start, alcohol and antidepressants are a bad idea. I would say that maybe you have to "take the lead", and stop the booze... if he chooses to continue that is his prerogative, as he has free-will. If you can find the strength to take control of your own behaviour, hopefully he will find the strength to follow..I do believe that women tend to have a stronger self-preservation instinct than men, so it may be more of a struggle for him. Honesty and communication could be the most important factors for you both... denial is easy when large quantities of alcohol are involved :(

Madmouse - I think you might be right. I do think the joint sessions helped a bit, certainly got us both out of the worst of it. But it that lingering up and down emotions that I am left with. Some days are great - others not so and that makes me dread slipping back into real darkness.

kibbutz83 - I know you are right, I need to take the lead. I am going to give it a try, I'll talk to DH and tell him and will see if it gives him a push to do it too - or at least cut down.

Today has been rough - DD woke up early, DH has a hangover and I feel rough because I was up late worrying as usual! I am off to do something nice with DD for a few hours. That usually makes me feel more positive

Worried, it is difficult for a child growing up with one parent with mental health issues, yours is growing up with two. You say you feel that you are where you were 18months ago that is because you are, only instead of your DH suffering alone, you are suffering with him. Providing him with company and it sounds to me as if that suits him just fine.

Your DH is controlling your entire household. I worry about your collusion in this.

He lies to his psychiatrist and you do not call him on this. Why?

His lies have negatively impacted on your medication and you have allowed this to happen. Why?

He has allowed your health to be damaged by his actions. Is this the behaviour of a loving man?

Surely if he really loves you and DD he would be doing everything in his power to get better and make things better, yet he is actively sabotaging all the help he is being given. Why?

I know that this is hard, you two got together as teenagers and I understand how entwined you feel your indentities are. But something happened. You had a daughter and he has not been able to cope with that. He is being medicated and is self medicating to escape from the responsibilities of parenthood and now you are too, just to be with him.

You have done your best, but you are not helping him, you or your DD by allowing this situation to continue.