Baby blues? - feeling rough - how do I improve things?

[Makinglists]

Had DS2 16 days ago by elective c-section - all went well and were released from hospital 2 days later. We've had problems with feeding and despite trying really hard with BF are almost completely formula feeding - a decision that I am a little sad about but accept that is probably best for the overall health of the family (I had a lot of feeding/health issues with DS1 which caused me a huge amount of anxiety and probably resulted in me having un-diagnosed PND - ultimatley we ff that time as well as trying BF).

Anyway things have been going quite well and I'm recovering from the c-section physically very well but I can feel myself slipping mentally - today DS2 was very fractious and I could feel myself getting more and more anxious like the walls were closing in on me and thinking what I have I done having another one - these feelings have been progressively creeping up over me over the last few days. I'm terrified of being on my own when DH's paternity leave is over and keep thinking something awful will happen to DH/one of my children. The daft thing is that this preganancy was very very much wanted as I'm 41 and in the last two years lost two babies at 13 weeks so DS2 is my last baby and so very much wanted. I keep feeling I should be loving this stage but in reality I feel like I'm sinking and will one day regret not enjoying it. I should add DH is fab and does loads of the baby care/domestic stuff so I can't fault him - he is a gem.

Would be really grateful for any words of wisdom, desperate to feel more 'normal' - whatever that is!

PS - sorry if this is a ramble - trying to get everything down before DS2 wakes/DS1 gets back from school.

Hello makinglists and congratulations on your new baby. I am not surprised that you are feeling like this, you have masses on your plate and I bet not much sleep at the moment either! Plus hormones doing crazy things as your body adjusts to not being pregnant. What I am trying to say is that it all sounds completely normal. My advice to you would be just to take each day as it comes and not try to worry too much about the future, especially about DH going back to work or about whether you should be enjoying things more than you are. I know it is easy to say that but maybe harder to do. In the short-term, just getting all the help you can from friends and family and DH, and looking after yourself and being gentle with yourself rather than expecting yourself to be super-woman all the time.
Is there ever a mother on MN who doesn't occasionally wonder "what have I done?" when she has a child? I have seen lots of threads that suggest not...
If you are still feeling anxious in a few weeks time, then it might be time to consider again about PND and there would be masses of support for you here on MN so you wouldn't have to soldier on with it undiagnosed again.
This is a bit of a ramble too, but I didn't want your post to go unanswered.

yes, i would just try and think 'If I can make it through today...' rather than worrying about the future. It does get easier as the babies get older and more independent, but it is very hard to see that so early on.

with regards enjoying it, I wuld just try and really savour those moments hen they are all snuggled up to you, even if it is 3am! I really revelled in the snuggles, even though I knew I would be knackered - I tried to count the eyebrow hairs and really tried to live in the moment - lstening to her breathing, smelling her, touching her soft soft skin, looking at her purity...sounds very airy fairy, but i also struggled in the first month and so really tried to enjoy small moments of time!

on a purely practical note, are you getting any exercise? IME getting outside, even just for a twenty minute walk, helps enormously with those panicky thoughts and reactions.

Thank you all - am feeling a little better this am - DH put DS 2 to bed last night and fed him so I got to bed around 9 and apart from the slight disturbance of them coming in the room didn't get up again until about 1.30. A few blocks of sleep - if only for a couple of hours seem to make all the difference.

I am a dreadful flapper/control freak and have always panicked about the future so I know in some ways that this is just an exaggerated version of what I'm normally like - its the complete ups and downs by the hour that I find hard to deal with - one min feeling pretty ok and the next in despair. The last couple of days I've walked DS1 to school in the morning (I'm a lark to early mornings are no prob - evenings are another matter) and the fresh air does help. I guess I just want to feel normalish again...goodness knows whatever that is!!!

Thanks for replying - its good to put it all down in writting.