not a parenting issue, but would appreciate advice...

[Caththerese1973]

hi
yesterday my ex told me that he recently had a conversation with a distant relative of mine, who is gay. According to Mel (my gay cousin), he has seen my brother around at a lot of gay bars with guys, and my brother is 'in the closet'.
I have suspected that my brother has a secret life for some time. He is 28, still lives at home with Mu mand Dad, and is unemployed, although he is very bright and was doing well at university when he was in his early 20s.
Over the last few years he has become increasingly depressed and apathetic, very reclusive, rarely goes out and when he does he does not seem keen to talk about it. My parents own another flat which he somoetimes stays in, and according to my mother, he has run up unbelievably large phone bills over the course of a few days. On one occasion she talked to the phone company about it and they revealed that on one evening he apparently made about 80 calls to mobile phones.
He has low self esteem, despite having many gifts (albheit largely undevoloped ones). Although he is in no way 'macho', and does not identify with conventional male behaviour, he has always maintained that he is straight and has had girlfriends (although not for a few years). He is articulate, quiet, gentle and wonderful with my 2.6 y/o dd. On occasion he has told me that he gets tired of gay men assuming he is gay, and doesn't appreciate the sexual values of many gay men (I think what he means by this is that he doesn't appreciate 'campiness' and thinks it is a bit off to be sleeping around, as gay men who are active on the club scene tend to do).
To be honest, I would be relieved if he was gay, because this is at least a normal sort situation with a context. For years we have all been so worried about him - he seems so unhapppy and fearful of life for no rational reason. I would not have any issues with him being gay, although I am not so sure about our parents. Dad is openly disdainful of gay men, and while Mum is superficially 'tolerant', I am not sure how she would react if her own son was gay.
We have several openly gay people in our family, however, so 'coming out' would not be such a big deal for him, one would think.
According to my ex, my gay relative who claims my brother is 'in the closet' says that my brother is VERY fearful of being outed, and he was quite concerned about the consequences if any of this stuff got around the family (although why he would tell my ex about all of this, if he did NOT want it to 'get around', is beyond me).
What should I do with this information? Should I talk to Mel (my gay cousin) myself? Should I ask my brother if he's gay? I certainly would never discuss it with our parents before he did. What worries me is that he is emotionally fragile and I'm not sure how he would handle being confronted about it. At the same time, I can't help but think that IF he is gay, he would be so much happier if he could be open about it.
Of course, I'm not even sure if what Mel says is true. How should I handle this? What should I do, if anything?

I'm sorry I have no answers, I have been grappling with a very similar problem myself. I have never spoken to my brother about it. His only explanation for being on his own and never having a relationship is that he has seen all his friends (and me) in unhappy relationships and that he doesn't want to go there.

My father says he has evidence that my brother is gay and like yours is distainful (when my brother isn't around) about gay men. My father is getting more openly distainful as he gets older, and I really worry that he will be very aggressive and antagonistic to my brother one day.

My brother has been wonderfully supportive to me over the last few years whilst I have been having problems in my marriage and all I wish is for him to be happy and at peace with his own lifestyle (whatever it is) So much of what you have written could describe my db. So far I have been following my brothers lead which is never to talk about anything personal, but I too wonder if I should try and talk to him.

I am a regular but have changed my name for this.

thanks inthesameboat. If my brother seemed happy and functional I would have no urge to ask about his private life. It is only that he seems really wretched and yet (like your brother) refuses to confide or have a personal conversation. A couple of times my mum has tried to ask him about what is troubling him (she may have even asked him if he was gay already) and according to her he became enraged and then just sulked for a day or two. At any rate, no good came of it. He is so hard to approach!
I am wary of just 'leaving him to it': I had a very dear friend who was depressed and I left her to it, not wanting to get involved or be intrusive, and she committed suicide. I doubt I could've altered things in retrospect, but nonetheless I regret not making more of an effort to reach out to her. I have had fears about my db in this respect too.

Yes, what bothers me most is that he has no life. He works long hours and is v. successful in his career,then goes home (lives with our dad) eats and goes to watch TV in his room.

If he goes out it is usually immediately after work or at weekends during the day. He never goes away for weekends or holidays. The pattern of his social life is actually more that of someone having an affair with a married person -male/female I don't know.

In the long run it is his buisness and his alone but it just seems such an isolated lonely life. Thats why if he is gay I wish he could be open about it. I would welcome anyone who made him happy in life.

How do you get on with your cousin Mel, and how reliable do you feel he is?

Relationships between siblings can be really fraught - my mum told me that my sister was offended because I never phoned her about her redundancy (and this has happened over other personal matters as well) but the reason I didn't call is that whenever I ask her a personal question, or express sisterly concern, she bites my head off. So I guess she wants that sisterly contact, but has problems dealing with it.

Maybe your cousin could be, if not a go-between exactly, perhaps an informed contact?

Thanks prettycandles and inthesameboat
unfortunately Mel could hardly be a go between: my brother hardly knows him, and I scarcely know him better. By co-incidence Mel was a close friend of my ex's before we met. After I became pregnant Mel fell out of touch with my ex. Mel claims he stoppped contacting my ex because he felt awkward having contact with me, knowing what he knows about my brother.
Inthesameboat: at least your brother HAS a job, and an identity. My poor brother just languishes around in his bedroom like a teenager, even though he is in his late 20s. I'm not saying you should not be worried, or that he isn't suffering. But it would be a huge step for my brother if he would even get a driver's license. He just has no context in the 'normal' world. My mother is going crazy with anxiety and embarrassment about him. Of course she loves him dearly - who couldn't? He's a lovely person. But he has opted out of the world. Mum feels it must somehow be her fault. The whole family dynamic is terrible. My dad is an alcoholic and my mother has recently started drinking again after years of relative sobriety. My brother is always taking sedatives and sleeps most of the time. I seem to figure as the relative 'success' story in the midst of this. Inasmuch as I have at least had a relationship (albeit a failed one), a lovely daughter and (finally) a finished PhD in English Literature and a job (after years of stuffing around with substance abuse and breakdowns of my own). Sometimes I feel like I have somehow robbed my brother of my parents' attention. We are so similiar in our interests. He is a much more talented writer than I am, I think, but I've got a lot more confidence and the will to work.
My parents gave me a lot of support with my ambitions and bailed me out many times during my insane 20s (I'm 32 now) and I sometimes wonder if my brother doesn't feel like he's missed out.
We were once so close. I am so worried about him. This whole thing with Mel has put me in a bit of a tizz. A few years ago I would've ignored, and said to myself: so what, he's gay and in the closet - that's his business. But experience has led me to believe that superficially 'respectful' policies of non-intervention are too damn easy with people one loves. A suffering person should be reached out, even if they claim to not want the help, don't you think?
Ugh, I don't know what to do.

Could you invite your brother round, say on a weekly basis for dinner or something? Maybe you'd get a better insight into his feelings.

I have no experience of this, but would guess that a conversation 'out of the blue' might traumatise him whereas as a steady build up of trust over a period of weeks beforehand might ease the 'burden' for him.

Perhaps he is clinically depressed? It sounds like he is in a vicious circle - whether to do with his sexuality or his employment. Of course you can't just wade in and ask, but Mum2girls' suggestion makes sense. You can't take responsibility for creating a life for your db, but you could perhaps give him a teeny lift by making him feel wanted and enjoyed, and maybe, over time, that will give him a little extra courage to do something himself.

Hi Caththerese-I really dont know what to suggest here!!! My cousin is gay(she is 30)She came out(as they say)when she was about 17/18 yrs old. All I know is that it was a very difficult time for her. She went through a lot i.e telling her mum n dad etc. Her sisters were not surprised at all, maybe I wasnt either! Cant remember really,as I just took it in my stride. But she really still has problems now.
Maybe your brother cant accept it or believe it himself. its not the NORM in some peoples eyes.
Have you tried writing him a letter! That way he may not feel as embarassed facing up to you, & may open up on paper! Just a suggestion! Cant think of how to deal with it-if it was myself.
But now you've become an adult yourself (& a mother) your more understanding & thoughtful to your db's feelings,which is making you feel awkward I bet!
Has your brother got any friends you could talk to? I can understand (in a way)why your db gets tired of GAY men assuming he is gay, as there is a stigma that goes with gay,& not all gay men are camp, lets get it right! He maybe gay & knows he's gay,but doesnt want to be classed as camp.
What a shame-I feel for both of you. I hope you work something out.
Gay is so accepted these days, maybe he worries more what his friends & family think.

I would invite your brother round and tell him honestly what your ex has said. Also make it clear that anything you say to each other, says within those four walls and he can trust you.

Say that you do not want to jump to conclusions, nor are you judging him, but that you've noticed how unhappy he seems to be and you would like to help, even if it's just to offer a listening ear. Put in this way he might open up, and he might not, but at least he knows that he has somewhere to go if he does need to talk.

thanks so much guys for the good advice. it is a pity that my db has to live in such a pathological atmosphere (two alcoholic parents).
I have taken on board what people have said but am still thinking about whether or not I should 'confront' him. Woul appreciate further input, if people have any experience/ideas.