Am I losing it again?

[memoo]

I swear I keep feeling some kind of insect crawling over my head! And I keep seeing something move out of the corner of my eye.

I am so much better than I was and never had hallucinations anyway.

Maybe I need to stop drinking so much coffee

Memoo - hope you are ok :/

Are you tired? I sometimes feel like I can see something moving when I am really, really tired.

Kids haven't brought nits home?

I am tired, also have an ear infection so a bit under the weather.

Ahhh at the thought of nits! They've shown no signs of them.

Memoo it doesn't sound like you are losing it again honest. It does sound like you need to dose up on pain killers and go to sleep.

It's probably just a combo of being tired & the ear infection, take some pain killers & try to get some sleep x

Kids don't always scratch... have a good look in the morning.

Think I'll do that. DH's turn to get up tomorrow so nice long lie in. Thanks for the replies

Hi there memoo I don't think you are losing it, as others have said sounds like you are just very tired.

Incidentally, I found the journey post PND and MABU to be quite a bumpy one. When you get discharged, you kind of have this expectation that you are "fine".

I was not "fine" for quite a while and it was a shock to me how wobbly and fragile I still was.

The thing is, the end of being an inpatient is not the end of being ill. It's the start of getting better.

I had a lot of better days after I was discharged but I also had quite a few crappy ones. I was terrified I was going downhill again, but actually I wasn't. It was just a rocky road.

One of the biggest things for me was insomnia. I would feel a million times worse after a bad night. Sometimes I would feel as bad as I did at my worst. The number of times I rang my CPN in tears after a night of no sleep and begged her to come and see me - I lost count. Gradually those days / nights got fewer and fewer.

I do still have bad days and nights but am not as terrified by them as I once was.

Am now at the point of actually wanting another baby Don't quite know how I've got here, but 3 years on from DD I have finally got off all my medication and am at a point where I want another!

You can and you WILL get better

x

Hi GetDown, your post is so true!

I do feel like I should be fine now, I also feel like the people around me expect me to be all better since I came out of hospital.

The truth is I am far from better. I am no where near as ill as I was but its all still there, simmering under the surface. I manage to control it now and get on with day to day life but its still a battle, although one I feel thatI am winning.

Some days are still really bad and I sit alone when the baby is asleep and sob. But then I pick myself up and get on with it.

I'm so glad you are doing well GetDown, I will be so excited for you when you have another baby

Best thing you can do memoo is be honest about how you are feeling to those around you. Don't be 'fine' just because people want / expect you to be.

And GetDown I am well impressed, you are my mental health hero!

She is mine too nemo!

Blimey, if you could have seen me at my worst I would have been nobody's hero! I was a mess! A gibbering wreck. I was convinced I was the one person they wouldn't be able to treat. I was on 11 different drugs at one point. Eventually I stabilised on 3, took them for 2 years, and I have spent pretty much all of 2010 getting off them, one by one.

I don't know if you ever fully recover. I'm still on that journey. I certainly don't think I will ever be the same again after an experience like that. But not necessarily in a bad way. I have learnt so much from what I went through, and I am definitely a more compassionate person as a result.

Memoo (like your new name by the way) you will get there too.

How are you doing now nemo, did you get off the nytol?

Yes off it, made me very sick, lost weight, couldn't eat etc but didn't last long this time, maybe because I had worked up to taking a stupid amount, half a pack a day

Told dh and he was lovely, I always thought he'd wnat to leave me tbh. Now I can see it from his point of view, I have taken all these drugs because I ahve been desperately trying to blot things out, not because I am 'mentally abnormal' or bad or wrong or evil.

I still want some more nytol though. But I won't - I know I will just be sicker for longer if I do anymore blotting out.

Nemo well done that is so much progress xx

Sorry memoo I do go on, I ahven't forgotten you!

Thanks madmouse.

Nemo, hope you don't mind me asking this, but reading about your struggle with nytol, I wondered if you have any experience with codeine based painkillers? I started taking them after have c section and I'm struggling to stop taking them at the moment. Mentioned it to my CPN but he didn't seem concerned though so not sure what to think.

Om nom nom I mean yes I do, I ahve recently given them up after becoming addicted to them completely unintentionally and to be honest I wouldn't have realised what the withdrawal symptoms were if I wasn't an ex-heroin addict!

It amazes me how often medical type peeps shrug their shoulder at this stuff! My best advice, if you can't get them to listen, is that when you are healthy and well, and can arrange some help with the dc, for about 5-7 days, is to set a date, reduce down your dose as much as you can, and then stop on that date. Imagine that you have flu (but don't take any painkillers or flu remedies, although some paracetamol should be okay, but don't exceed the recc. dosage) and take to your bed, rest, relax, you will have very little appetite, the runs hot and cold sweats and feel rank. But it will pass.

Plenty of people get hooked on codeine after operations, so don't be embarrassed, it is relly quite common. But it is not the end of the world. And if you have about half a stone to lose, great, and also I notice that it seems to work the abs a bit as well! The Codeine 7 Day Shred Fitness Plan by Nemo and Memoo, it could make us millions.

PM me if you have any questions / worries.

Do your family know?

nemo sounds horrific!

That does sound grim. I had an idea that it might hurt when I stop taking them because when I have tried to go a few days without them I get really achy and have this horrible restless feeling in my legs.

My Dh knows about it, he's fab though and will do anything to help me even if that does mean taking to my bed for a few days.

Wish they gave you some kind of warning when they throw these pills at you. Had a lot of pain after having DD and was being given 30/500 cocodamol by my GP for months. By the time the pain was improving I think I was already hooked. Now I find myself having to visit different chemist to buy over the counter stuff. I'm waiting for the day someone spots how often I'm going in to buy it.

Well done you for getting off the heroin, that must have been bloody hard! Infact I can't imagine what you must have been through.

I'm definately up for making a few million with the nemo and memoo 7 day codeine shred fitness plan Theres got to be a silver lining somewhere!

Restless legs are a very common withdrawal symptom, I've never had it though.

After talking about all this with a social worker, both the diphenhydramine and the codeine, she suggested I try an over the counter product called Syndol to help with sleep, I looked it up and it contains...yup, codeine. I'll stick to Ovaltine, thanks! I have also been known atm to get up, pay all the bills online and clean the kitchen floor if I can't sleep

I too was a furtive customer at many, many, different chemists... I even made sure I had a different coat / shoes / bag / hairstyle / hat I would make an excellent spy.

Do make a list of things you can do for yourself to replace that fluffy warm feeling of the painkillers. Bubble baths, reading, creative stuff, drawing, writing, crafts (I craft zombie felt creatures and buy flowers and plants and have ridiculously long baths)

Sounds a bit soft but it will see you through those cravings of 'oh ffs can't I just have some more drugs!' The craving will come, and then pass, if you think, 'bugger that, I'm not going there again.'

Oh and coffee is the worst for anxiety - even if you don't suffer from it normally. I love it too. But once a month is all my nerves can handle! I am a dedicated drinker of hippy teas now!

I'm glad your dh knows, I wish I had told my dh about the nytol straight away, but I was so ashamed.