Self harming can someone help me

[queencat]

Hi

I have posted in relationships and the lovely ladies have advised me to post here.

I split up with my long term partner approx. 8 months ago. I have not been coping with it all, I didn't want this and have been on ad's and sleeping pills since. We have two children together, I have a another child from a previous marriage.

Two weeks ago, I was at his flat dropping kids off and I noticed a birthday card from his new girlfriend. In it she told him how much she was in love with him.

I was devastated. I went home picked up a bread knife and cut both my forearms several times. its the first time I have done this. I don't know what made me do it.

I went to the hospital the next day and a very kind nurse dressed my cuts and called the Mental health team, I have an appointment with them next week.

Tonight though, I cut the tops of my legs with a stanley knife. I felt such relief when I did it. Almost like, I moved the pain away from the pain in my chest.

I don't want to be like this, I'm scared. Please help me.

Oh my goodness, you poor thing

I am so so sorry it's come to this. I do understand the urge to transfer mental pain to physical pain.

The physical is easier to cope with - but as you know, it's not the solution.

You need urgent help. What has happened about the referral to the mental health team? Have they contacted you? Sounds like you may need the crisis team involved - they are a home treatment team that will come to your home every day to assess you and you will also get a visit from a psychiatrist.

How are your legs? Are they bad, are you still bleeding? You need to get to hospital again if they are still bleeding. Where are the kids are they ok?

You do need urgent help. Most areas will have a mental health crisis line that you can call out of hours. If you haven't been given the number, call the GP number and there should be an emergency out of hours number on the answerphone message

Keep posting if it helps.xxx

By the way, I know you clearly love your ex-P still, and are devastated, but no man is worth destroying yourself for.

You will build your self esteem up again and meet someone else, if that's what you want.

You are in a really bad place right now, but the pain will ease, and it won't always feel so bad. Please hold on.

are you still there? Are you ok?

They are superficial cuts, stopped bleeding now. I have put antiseptic on them and covered them up.

My children are with my expartner they are there for whole weekend. I don't know what has led me to this. Its not something I have done before, but did take an overdose when I was fifteen.

I am worried, one day that I will go too far. I don't know why I'm doing it.

I have an appointment with the mental health team next week as my case has 'escalated'.

I am scared social services will get involved. When I told my sister what I did she said, it wasn't about me anymore it had to be about the children and she threatened social servics on me. i think she was trying to give me a wake up call.

It's good that the children aren't there this weekend as you can focus on looking after yourself for a bit.

Is there a good friend that could come over to keep you company? I imagine a weekend without the kids and on your own is a pretty depressing prospect.

I'm afraid I don't know what your position would be with regards to SS, but they will obviously have the welfare of the children as their top priority. If there is any risk that they could see you harming yourself, it won't look good TBH.

You need to get help quickly. Do you think you will be safe over the weekend?

I have a friend, who I can call. I am a bit worried though as his mum killed herself. I don't want to worry him too much.

I plan on keeping very busy, I don't know why I have done this again. I'm really upset with myself.

Don't be too harsh on yourself - you've done this because you were, ARE in quite severe mental distress. You've not done this for no reason.

Seeing that card from his new girlfriend has tipped you over the edge it seems.

Busy is good. Maybe your friend will understand about mental illness then, with what happened to his mum. Hopefully he will be able to support you, but I can understand it might bring up difficult painful issues for him too

Your friend may worry but he would be devastated if he knew you were in such pain and did not allow him to help.

With regard to social services, if they took the children away from everyone who self harmed, felt suicidal, was depressed, drank a few glasses too many they would be rather busier than now. Even if they do get involved, which I doubt, it may jsut be to check on the kids and support you.

It's not people like you they worry about, who seek help and comply with treatment, it's the people they don't get to see.

You know you need some support to be fit to look after your children so go get that help - you deserve it.

And remember that self harming is just a coping mechanism, something to cope with the pain. It doesn't make you weird, bad or evil, let alone a bad mum. The sooner you stop cutting the better though. Have you tried applying ice to your skin instead of cutting? Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Keep posting if it helps - you deserve support.

how are you? did you call your friend? In my experience on both sides your friend will be so glad to be able to help, even if just means watching some crap tv together and talking about the weather.

I have no experience but agree with madmouse about SS, I think the key is probably saying you need help and doing everything you can not to SH again - I know this is so much easier said than done and how much relief it brings. It is a coping mechanism more people than you probably realise use but for your children try to find other strategies (an elastic band round your wrist you can flick can help some people)...I don't know if this is useful but it helps me to think about DS as putting myself first doesn't seem to work.

Keep posting, and get in touch with the Crisis Resolution Team - they're there to help and you're more than showing yourself a caring and responsible mother by asking for help

It might be worth looking at this website, Queencat - I found it recently and it does have a lot of helpful advice on how to cope with self-harming.
If it's any help... my GP knows I self-harm, and that I once attempted suicide, but there's never been any suggestion that my child is in danger or might be removed.

i would add that as well...my HV's, midwife and GP all know it about me too

Hi Queencat (I have name changed) i self harmed for a long time and I found this website great for support and information.
If you're like me the main reason you do it is because the emotional pain you're feeling is too strong to deal with and turning it into physical pain makes it easier to cope with. I know how hard it is to get help and to realise that you can stop. It's hard. The best advise i can offer is to seek your own help (if you can afford it) or insist your GP refers you for psychotherapy asap. Don't give up.
I only did superficial cuts for years and on going to the GP for help i was referred for psychiatric analysis. I had 2 meetings, they decided I was fine as I didn't have Bi Polar and was just depressed and so they discharged me. This left me feeling like I couldn't go to my GP again. It was bad enough asking for helping and admitting the things i did in the first place.
I ended up in A+E one night and shocked and scared myself so much. I found the whole experience of A+E awful for me, some staff were lovely, but others were not. The mental health nurse said he would contact my GP to suggest some form of help, which i was happy about, making it easier for me to approach them. This never happened. Instead I took it into my own hands and found my own psychotherapist. She was amazing and although sounds cliche but she did change my life.
I didn't know whether to tell you my experience or not as I didnt want to dishearten you in getting help from your GP. But I wanted you to know I understand and that there are a large number of us out there that do understand and have been in your situation with SH. If you do have trouble getting help i don't want you to give up. If you are determined to stop the help and support is there.
As GWTMH says a hairband on the wrist can help, another suggestion i've heard is holding an ice cube. Personally I find running up and down the stairs or going for a run / walk a good distraction (and i never exercise!) Punchbags (or pillows to hit) are also good.

I HTH even just a little bit and I really hope you find the help you need, you can and will stop so please don't give up.

There's also this thread which is semi-relevant.

that is a brilliant website rubberduckduster, also in it's former life before it name changed and became a lot more positive

Hope you're ok queencat

Please understand that you are doing it to cope with the emotional pain. It is your coping mechanism, and you need a coping mechanism. To stop cutting yourself you probably will need to replace it with something else - maybe make a plan to do something distracting (the idea of running or punching a pillow is a good one for example, or keeping a diary, or phoning someone) for the times you know you will be vulnerable to it. Even if you can lessen the cutting/self injury a bit each time, that's an excellent start.

Don't punish yourself for this. You will learn to cope with the pain - it may take time but you will and you can get through this.

I've got (sadly) a huge amount of experience in this area. I'm so sorry that you are feeling so rubbish, and I really hope that it passes.
I have found that giving a friend EVERYTHING I am likely to hurt myself with helpful, but only if you have someone you trust to do that with.
I think making plans for the weekend is a good idea, and making sure you are out of the house for as long as possible, and in the house with someone. Can you arrange to stay at a friends?
When you feel like you want to do it again, count to ten. That way, you have put off doing it for a count of ten, and can for another ten. Set a stopwatch, and watch for one minute. Do it again and again. This may sound daft, but it is the only thing that has worked when I have felt really desperate.

Visit your GP and ask them to prescribe something. Citalopram is good, as is fluoxitine. I've found the CPN at my doctors to be amazing, even though I felt terrible asking them for help.

ALso, don't look at, or touch your cuts. This ALWAYS makes me want to do it again, so I always cover up the area as much as possible and don't shower for a few days so I can't see it.

I'll PM you my number, feel free to contact me. As well as experience doing this, I also wrote my dissertation on self-harm at uni.

Hugs, Jen xxx

How are you, Queencat?

I'm ok, nothing further has happened to set me off. I spent the weekend getting some fresh air and getting out and about so I wouldn't have time to stop and think.

My legs have scabbed over nicely and I have got an appointment with the mental health team today.

The urge I find is overwhelming, its almost like the need to have a cigarette or a craving when you are pregnant. I almost can't concentrate on anything else, its like I want to displace the pain.

I feel pretty pathetic that I am doing this over a man, but I am so heartbroken. I just don't know how to move on. I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach most of the time. I just have an empty hollow feeling inside of me.

(((((Queencat)))))

You've had a really rough time by the sound of it and this is how you're coping at the moment. Don't feel pathetic, feel proud of yourself for carrying on & for taking steps to deal with it. How did the meeting with the mental health team go?

Meeting went ok, I have another one on Friday. They said I should not belittle what I am going through as I said I was very concious that this was happening 'over a man'.

I did feel alot better when I came out but feel like I do need to go again on Friday. I found out earlier in the week that he is now moving in with new girlfriend only six months after he wanted 'space' from me.

The urge was overwhelming, I had several cigarettes instead.

Good on you for resisting, you've got more willpower than I have. Glad the meeting went ok.

Thank you Kestryn, my computer has been playing up.

I have cut again, my stomach and the tops of my legs. Something pathetic and small set me off. I'm seeing the mental health team in a week and a half something to do with the snow....

Today my children came home and said they had overheard their father telling his new girlfriend that he loved her. I didn't do anything to myself appart from smoke which again is not ideal.

((((Queencat)))))

Have you seen any of the lists of alternatives? Different things work for different people, but as well as the elastic band idea above, you can try ice cubes or colouring with red pen.

I'd also give yourself kudos for using displacement/distraction etc...it's not easy at all.

Try not to worry about Social Services; I'm a social worker and work with a family where Mum has had severe depression, and although we accommodated the children for a few months at her request they are now back with her and all is going swimmingly, with no plans to have them back into care if things continue well. Although kids welfare comes first, if the kids are not being neglected or harmed, and you are engaging with the help on offer, then social workers would far prefer to support your family at home, not remove the kids. Hope you find help.

QC I lurk on here and wanted to know how you are?