Can a broken person be fixed? :-(

[Frazzledmumwithsmudgedmascara]

In a nutshell, I feel a very broken and messed-up person :-( I am happy with my life, I have a great DH and 3 lovely DCs but I have always had overwhelming anxiety, paranoia and low self-worth.

I'm in my mid-thirties now and have started seeing a private counsellor/CBT therapist, who is fantastic and I'm really finding the sessions are helping my anxiety.

The part I'm finding difficult, but which I need to do to move on is going over lots of things from my childhood that have shaped me into the person I am and given me the problems I've had.

Before I was born, my older brother died. Basically my counsellor says they transferred their grief over to me and that in their eyes I could not match up to what they had lost. As a result they were very anxious with me as a baby and child, but at the same time were not very nice to me. I remember regularly being told as a child that I was horrible, or evil, or weird or my mum asking what had she done to deserve a child like me. I was always being told that I had to "mend my ways". My mum even said that if she could find a way to get away with killing me, she would. My younger sister didn't get any of the nasty comments that I did, and I felt all my life that I was seeking approval or just wanted to be accepted.

The feeling of being left out from my parents and sister has caused me to be constantly paranoid now in adult life, always fearing I'm being left out and being very sensitive about things people say to me. I didn't realise until the counsellor pointed it out that how I was parented is the reason why I feel like this.

I know the counselling is going to help me and that I will feel a lot better and be able to put things behind me but at the moment I just feel like a competely broken person, and so full of anger I could burst, which again the counsellor says is completely normal when going through CBT. It's not an angry feeling that I'm going to say or do something angry but like this horrible sad anger inside me that just makes me want to cry.

Is it possible to mend a broken person? I don't feel normal I just feel completely broken and yet none of it is my fault. I just want to scream and scream "It's not my fault".

:(

Nobody is too broken to fix - have faith in yourself and in your counsellor.

If you haven't already done so have a look at attachment problems. Due to your problems starting so early it may be that you never formed a proper attachment to (one of) your parents.

It won't change your problems but it may help you understand more and give some focus to counselling.

But you have every reason to be as hurt and feel as broken as you do - that is a horrid childhood experience and you are doing so well to be in a good marriage and have dcs of your own. Take the credit for that because with your background that will not have been easy.

Thank you Madmouse; that lovely last paragraph has just made me cry

My counsellor says that next session we're going to start exploring my relationship with my parents in more depth, so hopefully looking at attachment problems then. I know there are some issues for definite though; my mum has said on many occasions that they found it hard to bond with me and accept me after what happened to my brother, and she's also said that had he not died then they wouldn't have had me. My counsellor also says that we will work towards me "pitying" my parents for behaving so badly towards me rather than feeling angry with them because I can't go round with all this anger inside me constantly.

I hope so, I really do xx

Well done for realising that it is indeed not your fault. You have been badly hurt for a long time. You deserved much better parenting.

Your question, can a broken person be fixed? I really believe that healing can be done, and then you can move on but not forget. I am having therapy for a neglectful childhood, and my therapist says that I will achieve "autonomy" when I have finished therapy, as all my thoughts and "programming" from my parents was very faulty and I have low self esteem etc. So yes, you can be fixed.

Beware that the process of therapy is painful, but I am told it will be worth it!! I am worth it, and you are worth it.

I think you are a person who can be fixed, because you both acknowlege that there is something wrong and are actively seeking ways to get better.
Some people are broken beyond fixing: they are the ones who either can't or won't make any effort to change but have chosen hurting other people as a way of feeling better about themselves, and when challenged claim that it;s the other people who have the problem.

I've been thinking about your post Frazzled.

I was wondering whether there really is such a thing as a broken person.

You have been through an awful time, and I think what you are feeling is a normal response to some dreadful experiences. TBH I would think there was something wrong if you had walked away from such a troubled upbringing without any emotional scars. So rather than being broken, I think you are actually a very normal person, albeit one who has suffered a lot of hurt.

You have done nothing wrong, none of it is your fault. You can and will get through this because you are doing all the right things to do so

Has to be said, most of what has been written here is in the voice of my therapist. Wonderful advice. It is not your fault! -- my therapist would repeat this over and over again in the early days and I would scream and shout and cry 'but it must have been...' it takes time and as another poster said 'You are worth it'.

I pity my parents now. I don't hate them. I just feel so much pity. I feel like our roles have reversed at times. After I'd been in hospital I sat with each one (they visited from abroad at different times in 8 weeks) and I told them about everything I remembered, that they'd said and done. EVERYTHING...and of course there were tears. And I said. That's okay, I just wanted you to know :)

That felt good :)

I'd love to know how you're getting on.

How horrible and, yes, you can be 'fixed'. I have been.

Many on the Stately Homes threads in relationships have had similar experiences. If nothing else, it might make you feel less alone and that it's not because of you.

I heard someone say once (can't remember who - don't think it was on MN!) that when they were broken by depression, that they put themselves back together in a new way, a stronger way, a better way, than before.

I think that's a fantastic motto.

Therapy is very painful while you're going through it, and when you leave therapy everything won't be perfect. But, especially since you alredy describe your therapist as fantastic and helpful, I have good feelings about it for you. Good luck!