Lost in therapy. Someone tell me what's the point?

[midnightblues]

Been having therapy for 15 months, and finally getting to talk about painful stuff. But what's the point? What's the point in feeling so bad and re-living horrid memories and feelings...it happened so long ago.

I feel like I can't concentrate on anything, I seem to be living in the past. At night I can't sleep past 3am, I wake up in a panic, then start analysing everything that ever happened, over and over.

The problem is, it wasn't one or two "events" or "experiences", but cruelty and neglect from very early on. So lots to analyse at 3am!!

I am exhausted, depressed, can't concentrate, my marriage is suffering. I am really worried about my dh.

There doesn't seem to be an end in sight.

Is this normal for therapy? What will I gain in the end?

Midnightbs..........I know what you mean about therapy - you sometimes wonder if it si more harm than good. The points that spring to mind are:

1. Do you feel you have a good r/ship with the therapist.

1. Do you trust him/her

1. Can you share the feelings you have expressed above with him/her.

1. Do you know what method of therapy he/she is using

You mention that you are "finally" getting to talk about painful stuff, so it seems that a significant time has passed (15 months) before tackling this - is this because you found it too painful, or was other stuff important too.

I have used therapists in the past but know what you mean about where will it all leave you. I think it is really important that you
tell the therapist as you have posted. It is a very reasonable thing to ask.

I think the theory is that if painful stuff is buried, then it will come back and cause you distress through your lifespan, and maybe interfere with the way you function as an adult. However I don't think there is a therapist in the world who would say that talking about the pain of the past is going to be easy - it is as you are realising, extremely painful and there is a saying "there is no gain without pain" and unfortunately there are no quick fixes. I have a friend who had an abusive childhood and she had 3 (almost 4) years of therapy but did at the end feel she had unearthed her childhood traumas and they had somehow lost their "power" - by bringing them into the open, her fear began to dissolve. They will never go away but she describes them as being more "manageable" now - whereas they were like a rugby ball in her body, she says they now feel like a ping pong ball, but occasionally on bad days they become like a tennis ball.

I am not surprised you are exhausted - therapy is a very very exhausting business and what happen outside of therapy is sometimes as important as the sessions. Are you able to write down your feelings after a session to raise at the next session. Some therapists don't want to work that way, especially the psycho dynamic ones. It may not feel right for you to do that, but sometimes getting stuff on paper (or laptop) can get it out of your head.

You say there "doesn't seem to be an end in sight" - you need to discuss this with your therapist, because there should be regular reviews to look at the past sessions and decide where you go next.

I wonder whether you are being assertive enough with the therapist - this is your story and the agenda should be yours too. Are you reading anything helpful, and do you have RL friends/family to talk with, though it isn't a good idea to go all over the sessions with someone else.

Do hope you can get things sorted and try to remember that thus is going to be very very painful for you.

It is very painful reliving childhood abuse and trauma... but ultimately good things can come from it (in the right hands though).

Therapy is exhausting and sometimes one goes through phases where it feels pointless and you feel lost... but as NanaNina says, you need to take those feelings back to your therapist and discuss them.

It is a often a long, long process too...

It is worth it once you notice that things start getting a place. For me it has been very healing and I've made a lot of progress.

But there have been times I just wanted to die. My issues are also related to abuse at a young age.

I'm not up to writing a long post as new memories have come back for me in the past week and I'm struggling, but pm me if you want ot talk.

I am grateful for your replies.

I shall answer your questions NanaNina tomorrow.

I am in pieces. My marriage is in tatters. My dh has told me tonight that he can't cope with me any more. I have ruined my marriage. He says he won't leave, but who knows?

I can't do this anymore. I want everything to go black. I cant manage any more. Madmouse, how did you manage? I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I cant believe things are so bad again. I am not brave any more.

I'm so sorry you are struggling madmouse. It's shit, isn't it?

Here for you, Midnightblue. I had 2 years of therapy when I was much younger, and it was very, very, very tough.

But, it helped an awful lot in the end - getting there was another experience entirely.

I empathise, as I am now looking at restarting therapy, so share some of your feelings...thinking of you.

snowmash, please tell me things worked out for you. I just think I go round in circles, struggling endlessly. My dh won't help me, he is making things worse. He gets angry with me when I am feeling low or quiet. I am sleeping a lot at the minute, and he can't cope with me, he saya.

Midnight: I got two degrees in the intervening time period, built and maintained a lot of friendships, and effectively felt ok (no flashbacks/reliving/sleep issues). I don't know what you judge as success though so feel free to ask - I thought it was a closed chapter in my life.

To me, it sounds like therapy for you resulted in you having confidence in yourself, and mentally "fit" enough to work at two degrees. That sounds wonderful.

I'm sorry that you feel you need more therapy now. I think my therapist did say that, once I feel better, I will probably want to dip in and out of therapy in the future.

Oh I feel so sick. Everything seems so bleak. If I haven't got my dh support, then it's intolerable.

midnight I managed by having amazing friends who I could talk to day and night (my marriage is strong but my dh had quite severe depression at the same time! )

And by just going back to counselling week after week. I find that the hard stuff goes in cycles and that I make lots of progress during the hard weeks.

Talking about it does help to give the nightmare stuff a place. I see flashbacks and intrusive memories as an attempt for the body and mind to find a suitable box for the event/memory and therapy helped with that. At the same time the reason why therapy is so hard is because you end up addressing (well I did) all your behaviours and believes that were based on what you were told/what was done to you which in my case was pretty much all of me...

I have thought many times about stepping out during bad times (which included all of the first year basically and many times thereafter) - jumping off omething high, taking all the pills in the house, and I came close to doing it once, that was in the time when I felt worthless and useless to everyone and I was better off gone. These days my ds keeps me here and grounded. The current 'crisis' is hard and runs very very deep but is the first one that so far hasn't come with a death wish attached.

I would say it is worth the hard slog, and for me life hurt so much when I wasn't dealing with things that no therapy was not an option.

Sorry if this is a useless ramble - if any questions please ask

Madmouse, your posts are never useless ramble, but considered, caring posts. I appreciate them a lot. I am sorry you are struggling at the minute, I know you were ready to fly solo without therapy.

Your post meant a lot to me, I am so relieved that I am not alone in thinking about death and getting out. I won't do anything, it's just a thought pattern. Familiar one. I need to find some courage.

My therapist is wonderful, so I have someone to talk to. But no one else. It may be worth starting to think about opening up to friends.

Thanks again.

NanaNina, thank you so much for your post. I do feel I have a good relationship with my lovely therapist, very good, I trust her. Her professionalism and care is just right.

I do share things with her that are very painful, and trust that she won't let me get too deep to get out again. She uses transactional analysis which makes sense to me, I like the approach.

She did tell me that this is the worst part of therapy and that it will improve.

There doesn't seem to be an end in sight because there are more and more flashbacks. My whole childhood and into my adulthood were affected (I had a nervous breakdown when I was 23). There's a lot of ground to cover.

It has taken me 15 months because I have struggled with anorexia as a coping mechanism, so have had to go slowly with the therapy. And then I have issues to deal with now, such as my ds is severely disabled, and life seems to throw things at me all of the time (I was in a car accident in the summer). More and more stuff to deal with. Overwhelming.

Midnight - so glad you have a good therapist - stick with it and I'm sure it will help in the long run. I am trying to recover from a severe episode of depression that landed me in hospitalfor 3 months. So I do understand. I know what you mean by "overwhelming" - baby steps, baby steps will help you maybe help you along the way.

All good wishes to you