When to seek help

[longdarktunnel]

My husband of 13 years walked out two months ago - he's been having an affair with a family friend for three years. I had no warning, he just went, leaving me with our two dcs, who are both quite young.

I'm finding things incredibly tough, which I know is to be expected but I don't know whether what I'm feeling is normal or whether I should go and see the GP.

My short term memory is hopeless as is my concentration. I can't do anything useful at work, and I keep getting lost on car journeys I've done hundreds of times before. I'm not sleeping well and keep bursting into tears when I'm walking down the street. I have no patience with my poor children, who are being wonderful, but even the smallest things make me snap. And I've been having panic attacks this week.

I don't really know what I expect from a doctor, as I really don't want to start taking tablets if I can avoid it. If my husband found out he would use it as an excuse to argue he should have the children for a few weeks - he's desperate for them to spend the night at her house even though we've agreed it's too soon. And that would just be the end, I couldn't bear that.

It's not all bad - dd and I have been curled up on the sofa having a lovely time watching Strictly - but things feel very bleak most of the time and I feel sick when I think of the future.

Go to your doctor. Tablets are not the end of the world. I was on them for PND. They aren't addictive and they don't make you spaced out. There are so many negative things associated with anti depressants but they really do help.

Your ex cannot use that as an excuse to have the children and you wouldn't have to tell him anyway.

Absolutely, go and see your GP.

I have bedtime to do but will be back later.

You needing some help to cope with this situation is non of ex's business and there is no reason at all for him to know

longdarktunnel, I am sorry you are having to go through this. And big aplogies for never coming back last night - bad evening with vomiting and teething children...

As I said, do please go and see your GP, whether or not it turns out you are depressed. There is a difference between unhappiness and depression, although of course one can change into the other. I don't think that anybody on-line can even attempt to diagnose you - that's what RL face-to-face encounters are for.

As much as no pill can make your situation any better, do not rule anything out at this point. From beta-blockers that help with the physical symptoms of stress and anxiety (sweaty palms, racing heart, lump in throat, 'butterflies' in stomach etc), a small dose of Diazepam for a few days to give yourself a break, and yes, of course, antidepressants. ADs are just another tool to help you through a bad time: they are NOT happy pills, but can help you to continue functioning in your job and as a mother. I am not saying that you need them; just urging you to keep an open mind about them. They have their place.

The other thing is get some support in terms of being able to vent/talk through things/ get perspective. A trained counsellor can be very useful as they are neutral, are not emotionally involved and are not there to tell you what to do, but to simply act as a sounding board for you. If you have lots of good friends/family in RL then sometimes they can fulfill the same role although of course they can be (and should be!) biased.

Whether or not you see your dr, and whether or not you take medication or seek counselling is absolutely nothing that your exH could ever 'use against you'. Showing that you recognise when you are struggling and seeking help, will never be held against you - on the contrary it shows good insight, good judgement and makes you a Good Mother.

How are you this morning? I hope some of this is of a little help. Believe me, your GP will have heard it all before and if they are worth their salt will want to help.

I felt just the same when I left my ex. A wreck. I got desperate enough to go to the doctor and he prescribed citalopram. I took it once and fell asleep when I was looking after dc so I didn't take it again. In my case I was on maternity leave and never went back to job. I don't know how I'd have coped at work. I completely relate to what you say about bleak and feeling sick about the future.
This is four years ago. Gradually things improved, and though life has it's ups and downs it turned out not to be nearly what I felt 'sick' imagining. Give yourself time. Get all the support going, whether from friends family or gp. It will get better, I am living proof of that.
Your situation is horrendous. Your dc sound lovely and I am sure you are a fantastic mum. Tell them at work you are struggling. Accept all the help you can get. People can be surprisingly kind, although I'd say no one quite understands how shit this feels unless they've been there.

oh, and there is no shame in seeking help. It's just being realistic, as a lone p you don;t have an option of cracking up.

Thanks everyone. I have been seeing a counsellor - she's lovely and helping a lot but is expensive. On the other hand, it's probably money well spent - am sure everyone will understand if I tell them I'm not buying Christmas presents this year as I am paying for therapy! I haven't seen her for a few weeks as I took the dcs away for a break but will contact her tomorrow.

I will go to the GP - the problem is it's a large inner city group practice with a constantly rotating list of doctors. I do know a few of them so will see if I can get an appointment with one of the ones I know.

Work is a mixed blessing - it's quite a senior role and my team don't know much, if anything, about my situation. It keeps my mind off things, and I have just had a two week holiday so I am reluctant to take more time off right now. But perhaps a GP could advise

I have tonnes of RL support - family, friends, neighbours etc. But it's been two months and I don't want to bore them too much. People keep saying how well I'm coping, but I'm a bit of a mess inside. I just don't want to show it as I don't want to give my husband the satisfaction of thinking he's destroyed me. It must be a huge boost to his ego - two women in love with him - I want him to think I'm coping magnificently.

I know it's silly to worry about taking pills. But there's a very strong voice in my head telling me it's better to just get through this with fresh air and exercise (my mother's remedy for most things).

But thank you. I will try and see someone and see what they think.