Talk to me about schizophrenic off meds

[yawningmonster]

dh has a very good friend that he has known from primary school. We have known for some years that he is schizonphrenic. He has always been great about taking his meds in the past and we have had no issues, he is slightly unusual personality but no issues. Last xmas he came to stay and I am fairly certain he was off his meds. He followed me around the house, made what felt like inappropriate offers eg to rub my back while I was rocking the baby (I am married to his closest friend and have been for 16years) and just before he left I am sure he purposely groped my bottom when we hugged goodbye. He is due back in town soon as it is getting close to xmas and tbh I really don't want him staying here, I felt just I don't know off about the whole thing. I think from talking to him on the phone that dh feels he is back on meds but I don't really know what to do or how to handle it. He has always stayed with us in the past for the last 16 years actually so turning him away will be no small thing. Can anyone advise please??

My xp suffers from this. I think of you are not absolutely comfortable with him being there, you need to say so. I would explicitly state that he needs to be taking his meds if he does stay with you.
He may need his dose adjusting if he is developing a tolerance.

thanks, I think what worries me is when he was first diagnosed it was because he was sexually inappropriate to his flatmates...more sexual harrasment than actual abuse iykwim similar to asking if they wanted backrubs, strange comments about liking the way their breasts moved etc and it seemed last xmas that was what was happening here...he has never, ever been like this with me before just that one time. We have talked to him about his medication and he says he is on some new medication...I don't know if I feel ok though and certainly with 2 small children in the house think it is now getting risky?? to have him here...these are all feelings, I don't really have anything concrete to pin my feelings on just things seemed slightly off and inappropriate but quite subtly at times.

I completely understand. If he is on new meds, it may take a while to find the right dosage for him. On the other hand, my xp used to lie about taking them and then become psychotic, until he eventually came to terms with his illness.

Do you think he would be receptive to you discussing it with him? If he is aware of the form that his illness takes, he may be able to recognise that his behaviour was different when he last stayed with you.
I wonder if that's why he is on different meds.

bookcase I wondered the same thing about the new meds. We did try to talk about it with him but he was very, very defensive and that nothing had changed but his meds, he asked if we had been talking to his flatmates (of 10 years ago!) I don't want to be the cause of a rift between him and dh but at the same time would feel mega uncomfortable. The time he usually stays is during dh's work week so he tends to hang around here with me and the kids or just on his own if I am taking the kids around. I don't want to be alone with him but don't know if I am just being over dramatic as there really isn't anything big to pin my feelings on.

No, I get where you're coming from. What does your DH think? Would he be happy to tell his friend not to come for Christmas? Presumably not, so he really needs to be stepping into help, I think.

It is concerning that he is being defensive about it as I would consider his ability to discuss it openly meant that he has an understanding of his illness.
If you're going to be on your own with him, you must be completely comfortable with the situation.

I don't think you're being dramatic. With my xp, I often got the sense that something wasn't quite right with his behaviour and it would transpire that he was hallucinating.

Dh loathe to upset him but has said that kids and I are priorities rather than friendship so has asked him to stay elsewhere. He lamed out about giving him the real reason though and just said that it is hard to manage extra people with the kids etc as it can unsettle them having people to stay...which while true is not actually addressing the issue. Bookcase it is interesting about the hullucinating being connected with you getting that not right feeling, I wonder if that is going on with our friend.

I'm glad your DH has been understanding about it and sorted things. I think my xp felt he could deal with it himself and didn't want to say anything. I could just sense that something wasn't right and talked to him about it.

I wondered if you see him or talk to him between visits. It sounds like he doesn't like to talk about his illness but being open about it enables people to help him notice changes.

We live in different islands and while the men folk send the occasional email they don't do the whole keep in touch thing in the same way I do with me female friends iykwim. He has always been open in the past which was sort of another flag for me regarding that last visit and our attempts to talk to him about it. I felt like he really trusted us and we accepted him illness and all, he talked quite openly about what happened with the flatmates but never really took responsibility for his behaviour at that time either feeling like it was all a misunderstanding on the girls' parts.

I obviously can't tell from here but from what you say, if he trusted you and was open in the past, he may be having a relapse.
It's worrying that he doesn't take responsibility for his previous behaviour although he may not be able to recall what he did. How long has it been since he was first diagnosed? Has he ever had a complete psychotic episode where he had to be admitted?

ok update. Today I had just got in when he turned up on doorstep. He immediately hugged me and patted my bottom. I calmly said "Please don't do that, I don't like it" he stopped and asked could he stay. I said that as dh had explained to him that we could no longer host him but that dh could contact him later if he wanted to catch up. He then said it was ok he was happy to just spend some time with me and the kids. I told him I couldn't do that but would drop him off somewhere. When we got in the car he put his hand on my thigh and I asked him to move it and not to do it again. I was starting to panic a bit tbh. I have dropped him off now but a bit scared to take kids home in case he drops in again. I think we probably need to have a proper talk to him and explain that his behaviour is not appropriate and it is making me uncomfortable. I know it is not major stuff but he just seemed so unaware that it was not what you do with a friends wife.

bump. Not sure how to handle this. DH and I have decided between us that we will be really clear with him should he turn up or call again and say that I feel really uncomfortable with some of his behaviour towards me and we can no longer have him in the house but that dh is still willing to be a friend to him and keep in contact. Do you think this is ok? Are we blowing things out of porportion?? I know the incident 10 years ago with the flatmates got very ugly but we have never, ever seen that side of him, Dh has known him since he was 8(27 Years, I have known him for almost 17of those years) To our knowledge while he has some minor blips since that big incident when he was diagnosed he has been fairly stable. I really don't want to play this the wrong way and be responsible for he and dh losing such a long standing friendship.

bump

you are not blowing things out of proportion.

it does sound as though he may be having a relapse (whether off his meds entirely or his new meds not being quite right yet, you dont know).

i spent 3 years being the sole carer of a schizophrenic and she had a relapse towards the end of our 3 years together. same sort of warning signs, defensive when asked about meds, inappropriate behaviour etc etc.

him turning up when told he cant stay is also a bit of a red flag under inappropriate behaviour.

basically if he is doing stuff that is out of character from the time you have known him, then you are right to worry.

in my experience, you cant bribe or ultimatum a person to take their meds.

like a poster ubove said, until they are at peace with and have a good understanding of their illness, then relapsing is very common.

i feel for you, its very distressing.

i think what you are doing is all you can do. say he is not welcome until he is back on meds and an even keel again.

good luck.

oh and dont worry about losing the friendship, my friend went into hospital for 3 years during which time she wasnt well enough to be friends with anyone. she has been out for 2 years now and stable and we are still friends :)

It's pretty simple...dont get yourself in a situation where you're alone with him again. Your kids are your primary concern. I have experience of this distressing condition as a close family member was diagnosed years ago...in the end I had to cut them off...once I had kids I didn't feel it was safe to be near them anymore.

Sad...but sensible...not mean or cruel. When I cut my family member off I did tell them but there was only so much that they were able to register....and you must be aware that the man may nod and appear to acept your desicion but he could still turn up...if he does...dont drive him anywhwere. Call your DH.

thank you all. Swallowedfly I talked with DH and we both felt your wording was great, it is clear and direct. I think I will be fine if he contacts us by phone...I feel confident that I can handle it calmly, clearly and firmly but not so confident should he turn up on the door. Although I know I don't want him here with me and the kids turning him away at the door seems so awful. Do I just say I am sorry you cant come in followed by swallowedafly's words and then ask him to leave??? What if he doesn't???

thanks swallowedafly...very hard to see clearly being so closely involved in the situation iykwim. DH will happily do what you have said and in fact already has told him he wasn't to come to ours so feel fairly confident about reiterating that if he turns up. Am so sad though, hoped it would never come to this as DH and I have stood by him throughout and in return (in the past) he has always been really good with us until now.

I feel for you and DH and the kids to be honest. My dad had suffered with this horrible illness for 15 years. I cared for him from 17 to about 27- 28. Hell I even thought about not having a child of my own as dad took up so much time! From the horrible relapsies he has had (and they were normally one a year resulting in re sectioning until the last few years) he used to try all sorts of things when he was not on meds. Yes he would be deffensive or just say they make me ill so I have stopeed. He would ring at stupid times on the morning saying aliens were in his house then he would knock on the door at all sorts of times and speak to me and make no sense. Its hard because here is someone you love or really care for and has changed and its upsetting. This is where it becomes a hard situation to distance your self from. I had councling in the end. When dad was like this if he knocked on the door I would not answer if he rang and was being unresonable on the phone I explained I was going to hang up as he was not being nice. At this point dad was on Respiridrone (tablets) think this is stupid because once they think they are ok they stop. He has been on injections for the past 2 years he is so different as its monitored. Do you know what your DH friend is taking and in what form? Do you have his social workers number or mental health nurse. What you and your DH have done so far is correct. If he knocks on the door and DH is not there you DONT answer the door. Leave him out there he can shout and talk all he wants but he has been told. If you answer the door hes half way there. Do NOT let the children answer the door either he has got in again. If he hangs around too long you have a choice either ring your DH or at a last attempt and not a nice one (and avoid if possible) his social worker/nurse the reason I say this as it might lead to re sectioning but he might need it? If you cant find out this information there sould be local advise line for mentaly ill like MIND or ring your GP for a advise line in your area ring and ask for advise on how to deal with it. Good luck its really hard to ignor them and you know there ill but you all need to come first im afraid. And Im sorry with the kind of intentions he has when he is ill I would not want him around me at all or the kids. Me and my dad had an argument once when he was off meds and we ended up in a scuffle he never ever had done it before or again since. When he comes out the other side you can be there for him again.