I posted a few months ago because I felt I was sinking back into a recurrent depression I've had since I was 13.
Since meeting DH 6 years ago I've been pretty well, apart from the occasional slump but nothing to write home about. At the beginning of this year it went horribly wrong and I was so desperate to self harm for the 1st time in years, something I'd promised myself I'd never do now I have firstly DH who I can't hide the physical signs from and I have DD who I really don't want growing up questioning her mum's behaviour and scars.
I SH twice but managed to explain them away (they were a few months apart) and instead starting SH through drink and smoking again (never near my DD or DH, kept both very hidden) then had a short lived affair with an ex who I was with on and off during the height of my depression before I met DH
I feel horrendous for behaving in this way because this harms many more people than just me....I'm not shying away from the responsibility but I know the main reason I fell for the ex's words was because I just needed to feel SOMETHING, I didn't enjoy any second of the affair and used him to make myself feel worse, I know that (he doesn't, he probably still thinks I'm infatuated with him). He went on to treat me badly in the way I knew he would, made me feel even worse on top of all the guilt.
Eventually I bucked up my ideas and cut all contact, focused on my family. My poor DH doesn't know about the affair but was very very supportive when I was obviously going through hell and so I feel even more guilty and just horrible.
I know for my marriage and mental health I need to stay very far away from OM but I feel myself slipping again this week and alongside the old feelings of wanting to cut, I want to call OM again. I know this will make it worse, it won't even be a brief relief in the way SH is...I don't have his number anymore but do have his email address, how do I break this cycle of wanting to contact him to hurt myself? I don't want to hurt my wonderful DH or DD, and that's all that's keeping me from emailing at the moment, but I want to break even wanting to do it...