Don't know what to do

[wannabesybil]

I am new to this part of the board, so please be kind.

My GP bullied me (in the nicest way he could) to see a counsellor on the NHS. I can see why he would want to, as I really want to die, but as I said at the time, it is really difficult for me. I am always exhausted and he believes it may be Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, eg I found it impossible to walk fifty yards, found it a massive struggle to stand up after kneeling, lots of pain etc.

The GP has also said that he needs a mental health assessment for the CFS diagnosis. I am not even sure I want a diagnosis, as there is no cure and I would just have to get on with things anyway.

Since May I have seen this counsellor exactly once. First it was her holiday, then she would be on a day off, then she was ill, then my ds was ill. She will only consider booking me in every fortnight, and if I miss one then I would have to wait for the next fortnight.

I did rearrange, and rearrange, and rearrange but then I forgot, I have no idea what day I should have gone and as I have been looking after a sick child, a sick husband and running round after my elderly father I was a bit low on being bothered.

Something that worries me, I watched the last episode of Sherlock and when I saw the people with bombs on, I couldn't understand why they were not happy, because they were going to die. It seems really hard to think otherwise but I suspect that it may not be a good thing to think like that.

I really don't know what best to do about counselling. Is it worth trying to find someone local and private, or should I wait until my son is at school and I have more options when I can get to counselling (I have no local support or anyone who could look after him). I am a bit bothered, and I have no-one I can discuss this with in RL. I would appreciate any views.

TYIA

I think your suspicions r right, it isnt a good thing to be happy about the prospect of dying, i think most ppl instinct is self preservation.
I think u need to go back to gp and explain what has happened and get a referral to someone more suitable, maybe a psychiatrist could assess u, if not to rule out depressive illnesses and mood disorders and put your mnind at rest that it may well be CFS, there might not be a cure as such but there might be lots of other options and lifestyle choices to help with symptoms.
See a different gp if needs be.

GP wanted me to approach the counselling service - the counsellor seemed to disbelieve a lot I said and I had to justify myself a lot, which made me even less enthusiastic. I don't have the strength to challenge the Mental Health people myself, and the same issues apply - it is very hard for me to make counselling in the way they have set up.

I have made an appt with the GP for next week, but I am not feeling v confident, although the GP can be absolutely brilliant.

On the whole I am not too bad at the moment, I don't feel a sense of urgency, but I have a niggle of concern. It is hard to see from the outside what is reasonable and what is not.

U need to have trust and confidence in your counsellor for the process to work. It is their job to give u that kind of professional relationship. They need to be honest with you and sometime u might not want to hear what they have to say but u shouldnt feel judged. Explain all to Gp next wk and I'm sure they'll sort something out.

I'm not hugely informed about Chronic Fatigue but think that if you have thoughts about dying being a good thing then that suggests depression, and mental health referral more likely to be helpful. Counselling can be useful as a long term help for some psychological or psychiatric conditions but in short term (to ease the 'dying' thoughts) antidepressants are usually more effective. Are you on any medication?

I'm on antidepressants. They don't entirely agree with me, but I am ticking over.

I guess counselling would be a good idea. I've had counselling in the past but it hasn't always been helpful. I was just wondering whether it might be better to try and see a counsellor privately (though money would be a bit of a challenge) to try and find times when I could actually meet and to try and find a counsellor that would help me meet up with them.

I really don't want to go through the whole counselling bit, really, and that is another reason I am unenthusiastic. In the past I have come up against the same block, I have never got past it, I cannot see how I can get past it, and it is so hard for me to actually go once a week to somewhere. I get three afternoons, when I am trying to somehow catch up with housework, and to sacrifice one of those is a big deal. I have always thought that you have to approach counselling with a willingness to work at it. I am also sometimes so exhausted that I can't even make it to the end of the road, never mind an appointment two buses each way.

But I guess I really need to go.

Sorry to ramble. I won't be able to get on much at the weekend (keep having to break off to hide this from father) but I appreciate all the replies.