(sorry this is long)
I am married (almost 6 years) and have a toddler (2). My DH and I have always had what you might call a tempestuous relationship. I suffer from anxiety/depression (think I might be bipolar but never formally diagnosed as such)
I seem to feel things enormously. So stressors in everyday life affect my moods hugely. In particular if we have a row, it can spiral me downwards until I am feel almost paralysed and unable to get on with even simple everyday things.
Every time there is a row I am convinced that I need to leave the marriage, that it will never work. I am incredibly self-critical and lacking in self-esteem. I realise that it must be difficult for DH to cope with this but I am self-aware and am trying to change this. (I was recently at CBT which was effective for the duration of treatment, but the effectiveness seems to have slipped away now).
For his part, whenever we have a row, DH is horrible. He uses name-calling and will use things that I have confided in him about my moods or anxiety to dig at me, which makes me feel dreadful (hence my "this must be the end of the relationship" when we do row).
BUT he says I do exactly the same as him (I don't think so, but can't see things in perspective because I seem so ruled by my emotion of the time).
I think he is transferring a lot of his anger onto me (always wants someone or something to blame for his temper). I do not think I do this (I certainly don't use name calling the same way) but sometimes he rants on and on and on until eventually I do snap and then I respond just as badly, if not worse. He sees the problems as being mine. (i.e. he's only ranting because I have done something wrong in the first place)
If we have had a row and try to recap it, its like two entirely different scenarios, so we only end up fighting about "who caused it". (This makes me feel like I am going mad. He often calls me a liar during this kind of exchange)
I realise this isn't helpful but he is so good at being able to turn things around and make them my fault I honestly don't know what way is up anymore.
When I am "down" I have a tendency to "self-medicate" and drink too much, which infuriates him. He also has a stressful job and finds it difficult to cope if I am not coping.
We went to counselling once and the upshot (pretty much) was that I was the one at fault: a fact he uses now to undermine me and refuse to have more counselling. But I just don't know. I really can't see the wood for the trees. Sometimes I think I am just such a needy difficult person to live with its no wonder he erupts.
I have struggled (if I am honest) to cope with life post-baby, as I had a successful career and have chosen instead to try and build a new business rather than return to it (as it was not family friendly) but I am finding it really difficult, lonely and feel unsupported. We have no close family/friend network.
How can I make some positive change when we both think its the other person causing the problems?
And should I get more help for my anxiety? I am on citalopram but it doesn't seem to touch the sides at the moment.