Welcome to the Kaloki breakdown show..

[MaimAndKilloki]

..where tonight I will be lying on my parents dining room floor crying hysterically while the rest of the house sleeps.

I'm struggling so much right now. I can't deal with the housing situation anymore, I don't have the physical or emotional energy.

I can't help DH anymore, I can barely look after me let alone calm his anxiety.

My back hurts, and although I know that the new exercises will eventually help, right now the pain is worse and I cannot sleep. And it's all too much.

Everything is too much.

I want to fall asleep and not wake up, but I can't even manage the sleep part.

I'd cut but I don't have the energy to hold a knife let alone deal with the emotional aftermath when DH sees.

He can't bear to be in the flat, neither can I, it's not home. It's limbo, it's fucking purgatory. But it's familiar and I'm so tired of putting on a brave face, for him, for everyone.

I'm not that strong. I'm broken. I wish I didn't exist.

I have no advice, but didn't want you to feel you were posting alone.

You are in my thoughts.

Just seen this, are you still up? Can you go and see your gp tomorrow? x

Hi Kaloki I'm sorry you are feeling like this. I know these are long standing problem that have gotten on top of you so I've got no trite advice on how to improve things.

Just thinking of you - hope you did get some sleep in the end.

how are you?

kaloki you sound in a really bad way. I hope you are getting help today. I don't know what you are going through, but I know what it's like to be at rock bottom.

There is always hope, you have to cling to that tiny shred of hope and hold on with all your might.

hope you have a better night tonight x

Still struggling. Depression hasn't been this bad for years, anti depressants wont touch it.

I'm not sleeping properly. I'm not eating properly (if it wasn't for DH I doubt I'd ever remember). When driving I consider driving full speed into stationary objects. I want to cut myself all the time. I want to just stop breathing. Every time I inhale I'm disappointed. If I could just will myself dead I'd do it - and I've been trying.

The pain in my back is no longer any rival to the pain in my head. And I keep having to go out in public and pretend to be fine.

How are you? I'm wishing I was dead wanting to scream and scream till my throat bleeds good, thanks.

I don't see any way out.

Hey honey, I can completely empathise. I am on a self-destruct path at the moment, or I would be if I could be bothered.

I haven't cut, because I don't have the energy, plus I know in the long run I don't really want to, its just an urge that I am having at this moment.

I have also had the urge to jump off a viaduct close to where I live, to drive off the Quayside and to take all the medication in the house. So far I haven't done any of them though.

Honey, life is not great for people like us, but you need to ask for professional help. I have the crisis team involved at the moment and I don't know what I would do without them.