Getting annoyed with sil

[Mssoul]

Hi there

My DP's sister was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) about 4 or 5 years ago. She did a lot of the usual stuff you might expect such as suicide attempts/unfounded accusations/middle of the night abusive calls/substance and alcohol abuse/inappropriate sexual relationships/extreme spending resulting in serious debts etc etc. Seriously, the list goes on and on and is generally chaotic.

Fast forward to now. She's doing well and the family all delighted.

Except she refuses to have anthing to do with dp. He found her after she attempted suicide (not for the first time) and she persuaded him not to tell his parents (before we met and her diagnosis) and eventually she decided it was all his fault. He abused her allegedly. I know one night before I met him he and she got drunk together and, he told me and I believe him, she tried to passionately kiss him but he refused.

I kept in touch with her with phone calls before I knew this, but they tailed off as I felt this was unfair to dp as she refused to have anything to do with him. She had previously accused every other family member of some sort of sexual/physical/emotional abuse and has singled out other family members out in the past.

Now fast forward a couple of years and dp and I have a 2yo together. Dp's mum sometimes looks after dc and has recently started to include sil in this. I (MH professional) encouraged this initially, thinking it might be a way to get the family functioning again. Now, I am finding it hard as mil has taken sil to nursery to pick up dc. I had asked her not to, but I also have encouraged mil to try to do things that may aid sil's recovery. I have now changed the password - mil has never been given the door code etc as I worried this may happen at some point, so she has to ring the bell and give a password,.

I am worried as all the family now think sil is well now, but she clearly isn't. In addition, as a Mum, I am getting tired of hearing about my daughter having fun with an auntie who won't spend time with us.

What to do? Mil tells me about it every time they are together and I have always been non judgemental about the situation and now want to put my foot down and say she should not be seeing our child if she won't see us.

OMG That is looong and a bit boring. Sorry. I would appreciate respnses tho...?

This is a really hard situation for you and your DP. You were right to change the nursery password. As you have no direct contact with your SIL you have no way of assessing her mental health to the extent that you would be happy with her having such information.

You yourself say that you initially encouraged contact between SIL and your DD, what has changed?

What has changed was that the time spent together has gone from a quick 15 minutes in the park now and again to a few hours together when mil is looking after dd. I do want them to have a relationship, but I want to be the person who directs is iykwim.

And thank you for responding dione. I am not sure what to do. Mil talks to me because of my job. I am always the voice of reason when she doesn't know who to talk to and is feeling bad that her family no longer functions.

Christmas will be crap for her for example. We asked her to join us, but are going to my family on the other side of the country as she can't be unavailable for sil who may decide she's not well enough to see her at the last minute (as she did last year). I worry that I will tip her over by saying I can't let this situation continue.

I do see what you mean. However, I think that you need to look at the situation again.

The thing is that you did have contact with your SIL. You were the one who reduced and eventually cut contact with your SIL (although your reasons for doing so are completely understandable). You encouraged the bonding of your SIL and DD and the increased time they spend together is a result of the success of this bonding, so good for you, your DD is having happy time with her aunt.

Are you less happy now because you do not have any control of the situation, because it has not resulted in your SIL contacting you and DP (thereby not giving you the "happy ending" you thought you were bringing about), because you are feeling a little jealous or because you think your daughter might be at risk?

Unless it is the latter, I think you are doing yourself and DD a disservice. I do not mean to be horrible, but I think that you should examine your motives.

Your in-laws are in a difficult position, but I think that it is unfair of them to involve you so heavily and you should not take it upon yourself. The future of their family relations is not your responsibility, you can only do your best. You say you work in MH, so please remember that Self Care is a necessary part of what you do.

Good Luck.[hsmile]

Interesting you should mention motive because I have given this a lot of though and think there is an element of 'why should you benefit from dd if you won't see us?' but that is only an element.

Background - I have an older teenage dd and have shared parenting with her father for many years and have been dealing with issues of who 'owns' a child for years and years tbh and feel like an expert in these matters. Answer - noone

I'm not sure if my op made it clear, but I have never been in the company of both my dd and my sil together. These meetings have only happened when she has been in the care of mil who I trust. Although I have encouraged this, I am concerned about my daughter becoming 'therapy' and should mentioned this in op also.

Thank you for your feedback

There is more to this story such as sil's continued drug use etc which I haven't mentioned and I am wondering why I posted really. I need to have this conversation with mil, but I have been so 'professional' throughout the traumas and difficulties, I'm not sure how to raise the issues.

mssoul - I think you need to take off your "professional hat" - I have one of them too and it sometimes gets in the way!

I can understand your ambivalence about this situation and why you feel as you do. Can you not talk to mil (with whom you have a good r/ship) acknowledging that you understand that she is going to be pleased to seeher daughter getting better and part of that is the contact she has with your child..............BUT you can't help feeling strange/wierd (or other more suitable word) because you and your dp are not part of this contact and your sil does not want to see you. Maybe you could say that you want to see the family "joined up" in the sense that contact between the adults and children in the family are open and noone is excluded. You could then judge mil's reaction and see where you go from there. This migth put her in a quandry because she is going to be rooting for her own daughter over her dil, but I think it is time for honest talk.

Do you and your dp visit your mil - what happens then, or does sil not live with mil.
What does your dp think of this situation between sil and your child.

Yes you probably are thinking why should she enjoy my child but won't see us - but it's called being human. Also as your child grows and this situation continues it will be more and more strange.

Have a talk with mil and see where you get.

Thank you for your response Nana. Sorry not got back in touch sooner - been working.

I really appreciate your acknowledgement of my feelings. I am so used to setting aside my feelings in other areas that I feel like I'm being self indulgent or selfish. The situation makes me feel resentful towards my mother in law and, more worryingly, my partner for not addressing it. I think she's been ill so long that everyone just wants her to recover at any cost.

I am seeing MIL this weekend, so will try and talk to her then. I wouldn't say our relationship is good, I often have to bite my tongue and am a pretty tolerant person but she tests my patience! She has also been caring for children for many years, so from a practical point of view she's great and my dd loves her. My eldest can't stand her, but she's a teenager and that's a whole other thread

Why can't your dd have a relationship with her aunty? Ok so your SIL has a mental health condition which affected her judgement in the past, and made her do some silly things, but is she a real risk to your dd? Especially if your MIL is there with her too.

Is this a real concern about dd's welfare with your SIL or is it your lack of control in this situation, and the fact that your SIL has chosen not to see you and your dp but has chosen to see your DD? You haven't mentioned anything that puts your dd at risk.

Hi Blef. I have thought the same throughout, but I am just a bit wary of the unknowns in this situation. You must have seen from m posts that I have encouraged this relationship. The other night I was having a big wobble about the idea that my very young child is having a relationship which excludes her parents and that's why I posted. Most parents are in control of the relationships their very young children have, aren't they? Is that not part of the job description? She is 2 years old.