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Mental health

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Original poster

OK, time for me to cut the cr*p

26 replies

Luckie · 14/09/2005 19:02

I am at the end of my rope at the moment. I feel fat, friendless and fed-up.
I started a mn conversation the other day about supermarket car parking just so I had something to talk about (it was true though - although it happened about 4 months ago). Does this make me a really sad person, I just want to talk but I have no confidence and can never think of anything to talk about in real-life or on Mumsnet.
My problem has always been that I am too worried about what every one else thinks of me (which I know I shouldn't but just can't help it).
Just putting all this down in black and white seems stupid but here goes.

OP posts:

starlover · 14/09/2005 19:04

hi luckie... i used to be just the same! but after a while on the internet i realised that actually it doesn't really matter what people think of me... especially on the internet!
it's very hard regaining confidence and self-esteem but it is possible.
you wouldn't believe the amount of stupid threads i have started on here!
what you're feeling isn't stupid at all, and neither are you... you just need to work on feeling better about yourself.

iota · 14/09/2005 19:06

just join in on any threads that interest you - -that's what I usually do

Nemo1977 · 14/09/2005 19:10

Awww Luckie can completely understand how you feel but thats the beauty of the net. On here people dont judge as much but take you for the bits you show..if that makes sense...however in real life people can tend to judge quickly on face to face meetings..hence i dont do many face to face friendships. Mainly due to confidence etc.

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 19:14

Thanks starlover and iota.
I wish my problem ended with the internet. I seem to be getting worse in real life even with close friends. I never say anything against anyone even if sometimes I should be more honest to defend myself.
I suppose it could be made worse by the fact that I'm at home most days with DS (must get out more).
It's really hard to explain all this with a grizzly son on my lap - I'll have to come back later.

OP posts:

macwoozy · 14/09/2005 19:26

Luckie I'm like yourself, I'm not so much shy but lack confidence. I'm also anxious about saying the wrong thing and upsetting anyone. It seems this has also got worse over time. Before my ds was born I had a pretty hectic social life, then for several years I mainly just had my ds for company. So like you, maybe stuck at home all day doesn't help to regain your confidence back. Are you able to go out once in a while without your ds?

Skate · 14/09/2005 19:27

Luckie - just join in any thread - there are always daft ones floating about - just post any old rubbish! I do!

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:21

Thanks Nemo1977 - it does make sense.
Thanks Macwoozy - I just hadn't realised that there are people out there that think the same and have the same hang-ups as me. I do need to get out of the house more, but it is tricky to escape for any length of time as DS won't take a bottle or cup (am still perservering with that though).
And thanks skate - I often do post alot of old rubbish and kill alot of threads too (but I do know that happens to most people).

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FrumpyGrumpy · 14/09/2005 20:26

Hi Luckie, well you did just the right thing, being on here will build your confidence slowly. I started feeling like a daft old moobag and that hasn't changed but I realise I actually have something to offer sometimes and that makes me feel like a REAL PERSON!! Glass of wine or something else that tickles and chat on, see you further on up the road......

KBear · 14/09/2005 20:29

I've only just become Kbear the Konfident after lurking and posting occasionally for ages - now I am getting braver and diving right in! You're not sad at all. You'll soon make loads of new mates on her and your confidence will rise and you'll be chatting away happily in no time. Give it a go.

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:30

Thanks frumpygrumpy (great name). Perhaps I will feel better when I have been doing this for a bit longer. I'm always the one asking questions and I hardly ever have any answers, although that is probably more to do with the fact that I'm a first time Mum.

OP posts:

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:33

KBear, thankyou. For once I'm being completely honest and not being shot down in flames. I'm feeling a tad better already. I was close to tears earlier, and having read other threads I've got nothing to feel sad about compared to some.

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WigWamBam · 14/09/2005 20:34

For many of us, the reason that we use Mumsnet is because there's no-one else to talk to and it gets us through a lonely day. I can't speak for everyone but I know it's true for me. It doesn't make us sad - just short of adult company at certain times of the day. MN is a bit like real life - the more you talk to people, the more confidence you gain.

It's hard sometimes when you haven't got a lot of confidence and you find yourself wanting to say something but feel too frightened to, but the only way to deal with that is to do it. Take a deep breath, count to three and then say what you need to say. It gets easier with practice, and you can always take it one step at a time. If you have problems, for instance, with saying "no" to people, just take that one aspect to work on to start with until you feel more confident saying "no". Then move on to the next hurdle.

It isn't easy, but it's better than lying down and being a doormat - you won't feel that seething resentment that you can sometimes feel when you haven't been able to say what you mean or ask for what you need. And generally people will respect you more if you can be honest with them.

FrumpyGrumpy · 14/09/2005 20:35

Oh yeah and in terms of real life, I only mix with people who I feel totally, totally comfortable with and I don't join in situations I know I'll feel awkward with. This means I have very few friends but I am happy with this because its a pleasure to be around them and I can be myself (up, down, funny or sad). It took me about 3 years after my first baby to meet someone with a child the same age whose conversation I enjoyed and whose child played well with mine. She is now a friend, one of only a tiny group. I felt like a weirdo for ages but now I like being a weirdo!!!

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:43

WigWamBam - I agree totally with everything you said, especially the gaining respect bit. I do find that people treat me like a doormat sometimes although occasionally the more feisty me comes through and I can put across a point really well (happened at work last year). I will try to remember that.
FrumpyGrumpy - I thought I was the only new mum to not have any other new mum friends and felt like a weirdo myself, especially at the post natal group where everyone seemed to know everyone else!

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KBear · 14/09/2005 20:43

Be prepared for your posts to be ignored from time to time, happens to everyone. And I do think twice and re-read before I post and sometimes delete because of it.

I don't want to come on MN and row with people but some are more contraversial than others. I like a chat, DH is on nights, the kids are in bed, hate the tv so it's fun to come on here and chat. Sometimes you can sympathise with someone, laugh with someone, encourage someone and get it all back when you need it. It's all good.

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:45

It is good. My DH is out, my little one is in bed and here I am getting a confidence boost from friends I have never met.

OP posts:

moondog · 14/09/2005 20:52

Luckie,don't be sad!

Being with little children and isolated from adult company for large parts of the day can make us all a bit down. Ispend huge amounts of time alone with my children as my dh works in isolated parts of the world and I'm either in the UK alone with the children or in other strange places,alone with the children while he works all hours!
Iswear MN has kept me sane!

Say what you like,thats the beauty of MN. Sometimes you can be silly,sometimes serious,sometimes maudlin. There are so many interesting people on this,and it has made my life richer without a doubt.

If you're feeling self conscious when you're out and about just remember that most people are too interested in themselves to worry/think about other people!

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 20:56

Moondog - that's what I keep telling myself. I suppose we've all got our own issues, it's just how we cover them up (some are much better at it than others).

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moondog · 14/09/2005 20:59

Exactly luckie!
When you start feeling paranoid,just keep murmuring 'Noone is looking at me,noone is looking at me.'

My mother keeps reminding me (when she turns up and I have a face like thunder and am bitching about the limitations of my life) that it is such a small amount of time in one''s life and that it is such a privilege to spend so much time with little people.

I keep repeating that to myself too!

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 21:02

Moondog

Little people are great aren't they. I waited so long for my little person to arrive, I feel I should be ecstatic more often.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 14/09/2005 21:06

luckie, sit down with a piece of paper and write down 10 things you like about yourself WITHOUT using any buts (e.g. not like this - I like my blue eyes BUT they are a bit big just - I like my blue eyes). Once you've written it down, read it every morning before you leave the house to remind yourself that you are actually a great person (don't worry if it takes a while to think of 10 things, I'm sure most people would struggle)!

I know that all sounds a bit airy fairy but it's the sort of thing that can help kick start your self esteem. After all, you have just as much right to be on this planet as anyone else. It's hard not to worry what other people think of you as we all crave a certain amount of acceptance from other people but the sooner you are happier with yourself, the sooner you will realise that you don't have to worry about other people.

Original poster

Luckie · 14/09/2005 21:12

I will try that Foxinsocks, thanks. Will be difficult, like you say, though.

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FrumpyGrumpy · 14/09/2005 22:20

Wishing you a good day tomorrow Luckie, night.

Original poster

Luckie · 15/09/2005 08:36

I'm feeling a bit cheerier today. Having thought through all that you have kindly told me and also DS has finally decided this morning that he can sit up for a few more seconds than usual - I was beginning to think that he'd never do it.

OP posts:

macwoozy · 15/09/2005 09:07

Glad that you're feeling abit happier today. It's a different world once you become a mum isn't it? Apart from my dp coming in quite late in the evenings, sometimes I would have no adult conversation for days. Feel quite abit happier since stumbling upon this site. Now if I could only just do a bit of housework instead of sitting on my arse typing away all day........

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