please tell me im not alone in feeling like this

[MissTired]

im so so depressed, in fact im starting to think that i dont just have depression as i cant remember a time when i have ever been normal and always been different, not sure how to describe it though really. ive been on antidepressants since july but were not helping so 2 weeks ago i had my dose doubled but they are still not helping and nurse said if not helping by thurs when i go back they will have to consider changing me to something else as 2 weeks is plenty for an increased dose to start making a bit of a difference. im on citalopram 40mg.

im so scared i feel lower and lower each day i cry all the time, i cant concentrate on anything and feel like i want to just end it all, i know i wont because of my little boy but i have done in the past (before becoming a mum). i am so worried im heading that way again and i wont be able to stop myself though i know its not right and i know i dont want to but im scared that one day it will get so bad i wont be this rational. i cant sleep and cant do anything without thinking i want to end it all but i cant do it i know i cant but what if i need to be changed onto different antidepressants, then it will be weeks before they work - if they do and i dont know if i can hold out that long i feel like every day is getting worse and worse i dont know what to do now i cant do anything but wait and hope, ive tried talking to my partner about it but he doesnt really understand as i dont think he has ever felt this low and i guess its hard because i cant even explain why i feel so low i just do. ive never felt this down before even after i left my ex partner who was violent and abusive to me and my son i wasnt this bad and the citalopram then worked at 10mg!! why wont it work now!? anything else i can do!? ive been on couselling waiting list since last december and they cant tell me how long i will be waiting they just say they cant move me forward i have to wait til i get to top of list but they cant indicate how long that will be as would give me false hope apparently!?!?
am i alone in feeling this low, what can i do to try to help ive tried everything it feels and i really dont know if i can take it much longer like this just the thought of another 2 weeks or more waiting for new tablets to work terrifies me i dont think i can keep going that long i barely managing now

Hi, I didnt want you to think that nobody has read your message. I too am on Citalopram and it took 5 weeks for it to kick in for me. It seemed like a lifetime waiting to feel better so I sympathise with you there.

It is obvious that you are struggling and maybe you need different medication.

The thought of a few weeks for it to kick in and work has got to be better than waiting for the day to start feeling better that never comes?

You must go back to your GP asap. If not for yourself, for your DS and DP.

You are not alone, I have found just from joining mumsnet depression seems more common than people in real life would have you know.

Please get some help, I am sure there is a solution for you. Dont be scared.

Take care.

xx

Go and see your gp again, tell him/her all this also ask to push the counselling appt. If you afford to pay for counselling you can find a private appointment soon. Samaritans can be contacted 24hrs a day 08457 90 90 90.
Keep going, it feels tough but it will improve.

Miss tired - you sound to me like you are heading quickly towards a severe depressive episode. I am not an expert but am just trying to recover from a severe depressive episode and was hopsitalised for 3 months. Your description of how you are feeling is exactly how I was feeling. My children are all grown so god only knows how you are managing with a small child.

You talk about a nurse - is this a community psychiatric nurse or just a nurse at the GP practice. I think you need an urgent appt with a consultant psychiatrist. Don't be afraid if you do have to go into hospital (though I know you have a child) but people who are severely depressed can be visited by a CPN every day if necessary.

It is a horrendous illness and NO you are not the only one experiencing it. It is also a very deceitful illness - and medication will work at one time and not at another, but you MUST hold on to the fact that the VAST majority of people do get better - eventually.

You don't sound to me like you are in a fit state to benefit from CBT or any counselling. I think a psychiatrist needs to get your meds sorted out first and foremost. PLEASE get to your GP ASAP and tell him/her exactly what you have printed here. All medics know that suicide is a real risk with severe depression, but most of us with this illness have almost constant thoughts of suicide but not really believing we could do it and this is called suicide ideation, but it WILL be taken seriously.

You need far far more help than you are getting. Get your P to go to the GP with you for moral support. Do you have support from any family/friends - don't try to hide what you are feeling - don't think you'd be able to to in any event given how you are feeling.

I know the illness makes you feel worthless, ashamed and feeling you should be able to do something about it - they are all symptoms and CPNs and GPs and psychiatrists will have heard it all before, but GPs aren't always that good at ADs which is why you need to see a psychiatrist who will be able to find the right drug for you - it might take time, but you WILL GET BETTER.

Listen to Nananina - she is very wise x

Sorry that was meant for another thread

But it still stands - Nana nina IS very wise x

And just to add - no you're not the only one to feel like is. Its absolutely horrible and Im sorry that you are going through it.

In the past I have felt worse before Ive felt better when starting or increasing medication so fingers crossed you will start to see some improvement soon.

But do just hold onto that thought that things will get better. And be very kind to yourself x

Thank you Kizzie!

thankyou everyone, its a long road isnt it. ive been to the drs today and they suggested with the things i said about how i was feeling they though possibly bipolar, i have to go back monda and they are probably going to refer me to a psychiatrist, though they may just change my antidepressants depending on what the different person says and how they reckon i am etc. i just want to feel normal but the reality is i dont know what normal is i dont think ive been feeling different since i was about 12 not long after starting high school and i know apparently i was before that too but i dont remember a great deal about how i felt then