why does this keep happening?

[blushingm]

I think I've had mental health problems for years but after dd was born 4 years ago i've been being treated for treatment resistant depression

i've tried numerous ad's and combinations. I start to feel better and just when i start to feel like what i assume normal people feel like i suddenly take a nose dive. Everything just begins to crumble - i get tearful, and feel so hopeless and useless and feel like there is nothing to look forward to - sometimes i sit at my desk at work put my ipod on and sit there with tears rolling down my cheeks and i just can't explain why.

i last saw my consultant in september and i was feeling really hopeful and bright so he said to come back in 12 weeks rather than the usual 6 - i hoped this would be the start of getting better and off medication but now i feel like i need to increase my dose - he said i could if i felt i needed too

why does this keep happening - it feels like scrambling up a hill and just before getting to the top i lose my footing and slide all they way back now

does this happen to other people or is it just me and what can you suggest i do?

ps sorry if long and rambling - iit;s just hard to explain

Hi I am writing because I am sorry that you feel so bad. I have never taken ad's so I am not entirely sure how effective they are. I know from experience that having a child is a massive life experience and affects us all in so many ways. Have you had any counselling or CBT? I am hoping that others (with more experience can help you). You sound like you are really trying hard to make sense of you difficulties, so don't be too hard on yourself.

Hi Blushingm. I often ask the same question myself. I have had anxiety and depression on and off for the last 11 years since fist having it as PND.

Have you tried something like mapping your mood - so that you can see if it affected at different times of your cycle, if certain foods or situations have an effect.

theres a website called moodscope.com where you can take a little mood tests every day and then its really useful to look back over the month. Its free at the moment (I think they are probably looking to start subscritions in the future) so it might be worth you trying it.

I always use a journal / diary a lot when Im bad. Helps to get everything out but also to monitor how im doing. Its also good to write down the better days as its so difficult to remember them when things are bleak.

Hope have better days soon. x

Agree with what Kizzie has said, but it isn't just you that is struggling like this bm. I am trying to recover from a severe depressive episode and was in hospital for 3 months earlier this year. My last episode was 15 years ago and I also spent 3 months in hopsital but I was lucky then,because my recovry was straightforward.

I know exactly what you mean about scrambling up the hill and just as you think you are about to reach the top you slip down again. I don't think you slip right to the bottom to be honest (though I know it feels like this) but I try to look at it now as getting stuck on a rock on the path, or slipping off the path when a run of bad days come.

I have always kept a journal and I rate each day - Awful, not good, not good/not bad, reasonably ok, good, very good. Recently I thought of adding up the totals and was amazed to find I hadn't had nearly as many bad days as I thought and that alone pushed me up the hill a bit further. But like you I never know when I am going to slip again and am not really able to make arrangements cus never know how I am from one day to the next. This I think can be worse than being down all the time, becasuse your hopes get built up only to come crashing in on you.

I have a really good CPN who visits once a week and has been a big help to me and has being doing CBT with me. Have your tried this at all. It's not a quick fix but it can help sometimes.

You are managing to hold down a job so you obviously are very strong in spite of the depression. You say you have had m/h problems for years - do you know the cause of these problems. Whether you do or not I think that therapy would help to unravel the past andmaybe gain a better understanding of it.

Also don't be worried about upping the meds - whatever helps I say - do it. I had a friend who suffered for 12 months with drug res. depression until a new psychiatrist added lithium to her ADS and that really was a turning point for her.

Have you got supportive family/ friends/H/P who you can talk to as I have found this very useful.

Sending best wishes and hoping there will be brighter times ahead which I'm sure there will be. Depression is a deceitful illness and leaves you feeling worthless etc BUT the vast majority of people DO get better so hold on to that, though I know how hard it is to do that when feeling so awful. Trouble is there are no words to describe the awfulness of this illness and everyone's depression is different and treatments that work on one person, are no good for another, just to add to the awfulness of it all.

I read somehwere "the waves of depression will come but you can learn to surf"

nina - thank you - you post was so eloquent

i have tried CBT - both in a group and individually and whilst i understand the reasoning and thinking behind it i just can't seem to get it to work for me

i have tried lithium but it didn't help - at the moment i am AD's plus an anti psychotic which is supposed to be helpful. A couple of weeks ago i would have said it did but a big slide came and I feel like I am back at square 1. Last night I cried myself to sleep and I couldn't even tell you why I just couldn't stop the tears from coming.....everyone at work was asking if I had a allergy today as my eyes were still red and swollen. I feel so useless, unattractive and just so unimportant that I doubt I would really be missed if i disappeared - My dh tries to understand but gets frustrated because i can't put into words how i feel or what is going on inside my head. he really wants to help but he doesn't know how and i can't tell him.

i just can't see an end in sight - my life just stretches out infront of me completely flat. I was sitting there thinking the other day how i never take risks or do anything wild............i wanted to get completely drunk and go out and be someone else, i wanted to try illeagal drugs like cocaine and speed and ecstasy just to change the barren and sensible and uninteresting life i have....................i wanted to go and see bands and have groupie sex....and all the things I feel I've never done and never had the courage to try

why can't i just be happy???? I have a loving dh, 2 lovely kids, cars, a house, not a lot of money but ..........not many people do

I'm not surprised that you can't describe what is going on in your head. As far as I'm concerned, it is simply not possible to explain to anyone how it feels, there are no words to describe it - ok - I use the words, flat, empty, fragmented etc but it doesn't explain how horrendous it feels does it.

Your H just needs to be able to be loving and caring without understanding how it feels. Do you think u should still be at work, and not off sick.

You do have to be patient because there are going to be peaks and troughs in the recovery process and in this way it is very deceitful. Maybe the wantingto get drunk etc etc is a way of thinking that at least would make you feel different from how you are feeling at the moment.

This illness makes us feel worthless, ashamed and feeling we should be able to do something about it, these are symptoms of this awful illness, and doesn't happen in physical illness. Have a loving H 2 lovely kids and car house etc has nothing to do with it - depression hits where it wants to - regardless of who we are..........hang on in there and remember that the VAST majority of people do get better - eventually.

Have you got supportive family/friends - you need shoulders to cry on - literally - I have spent hours crying on my DPs shoulder and he has cried too as he has felt so helpless, and like you I have felt I was onthe mend, only to come sliding down again.

Re the CBT - I think I understand exactly what you mean when you say you "can't get it to work for you" - on one level you can see how it works, but when you are in the absolute pits, it is incredbibly hard to "make it work" and it isn't magic. I write down how I am feeling every day and sometimes through the day and I write a helpful thought process and an unhelpful one and I try to stick to the helpful one e.g. this is a temporary thing and I am feeling grim but I will get better but no one can give me a timetable and I will try to keep my anxiety at bay.

An unhelpful one is "OMG this is so awful and I will NEVER get better and no-one understands what I am going through - I don't want to be here anymore etc"

Sorry I am rambling a bit - you will NOT always feel like this - you MUST HOLD ON TO THAT. Don't try to be strong - take sick leave, talk to people close to you how you feel - they might not understand but it does help to talk about how you feel.