Just discovered how powerful counselling can be

[midnightblues]

Yesterday, after 14 months of counselling, which was going quite well, I suddenly had a memory which BOOM pieced all of the thoughts together. It was like all of the jumbled chaotic thoughts and memories suddenly lined themselves up and I realised that my fear of all of these memories were completely justified.

After that I spent the next 13 hours reliving the event which was so traumatic for me.

It was frightening but exhilerating and I just kept saying WOW! That's it, now I know.

Now, I am up again at 4am in tears over it, the memories are all spilling over, again and again.

It is scary but necessary I think.

I have never had an experience like yesterday. Incredible.

Anyone else had this kind of sudden knowledge and complete crystal clear understanding?

The only thing is that now, I have reliving stuff for so many hours, I am exhausted but can't switch it off. Yesterday I spent all day in the past, I couldn't hear what people were saying, couldn't take anything in. Surreal.

Been up since 3am, and just can't stop thinking about things, keep crying, I can't see how I can get on with a "normal" day today. Feel awful really.

It is beginning to sink in now.

I've been where you are quite a few times over the past year and a half. It is incredibly painful, almost physically so, but it's the key to healing.

You will simply need to be very gentle with yourself. Simple things that may help are hugging yourself, or if you can spend time with someone who will take care of you, wearing soft warm clothes, resting when you can, writing thoughts down, finding someone to talk to if you feel you want to talk.

Hope you're ok today.

I had counselling after death of my brother last year and I thought it wasmaking me worse tbh - going over it re-living it - tears at every session at some point and I thought why am I doing this to myself. But I stuck with it as the lady was lovely and she had actually lost her brother at a similiar age so I felt she understood me and when I told her some of the bonkers things I did - like sending my brother texts when I was missing him - saying hope you are ok now and really miss you etc etc - she said she wrote hers a letter and tied it in a balloon and let it go on a windy day - so it helped to know I wasnt being stupid.

What happened to convince me about counselling was although I ended up in bits at most sessions I gradually noticed an improvement and less distraught /able to function the rest of the time. Even when I was struggling I almost had this - save it up for my next session mentality - and I could usually put it to one side in the knowledge I had the 'luxury' coming at some point in week to let it out.
I did still break down sometimes between sessions but found more and more that I could cope better and felt calmer imbetween.

Counsellings an outlet for your angst or grief when the rest of the world expects you to behave normally even weeks after a terrible event or having a week off work for depression and so you bottle it up which isnt good.

Thank you for your kind messages. In the end I rang my counsellor who basically told me to do all the things that you did madmouse!

She also told me that if I needed to talk some more, then I could call her again. Very reassuring.

So this afternoon I have planned to walk round the garden and then sit and watch rubbish on the tv before the children come home!

I do feel a little better now too, the memories have stopped flooding into my mind, I have written things down. I am exhausted.

I totally get hwere you are and although it is hard it really is a positive thing that you now know what it is all about and with that knowledge you can start to heal and move on.

I had always known the event that happened to me however I had a breakdown 2 yeas ago and I have been reliving and re-experiencing stuff since then, it is exhusting I have found out details of it that had previously been hidden

Being kind to yourself is perfect advice it can be so emotionally intense that if you can sleep if you can or get out in the fresh air.
a good friend of mine finds comfort in running,is there somewhere you could get out for a good walk so you are physically exhausted when you get to bed.

Hope today has been better for you.

Thanks ByThePower. I have namechanged, I remember you being very helpful to me when I was on the mental health boards a year ago. I am twoisplenty, and was struggling with anorexia.

Still struggling there but no where near so bad.

I can't sleep. I wake up every hour. I am exhausted and taking it out on the children. That makes me feel even worse.

I can't handle these feelings, I am so confused. SInce my first post, I have had another breakthrough which is not good, it has made me feel completely lost. Life is too hard.

Hey twoisplenty didn't realise it was you - good to see you - I was Willsurvivethis!

Now that really has made my day!!! Hello!

And I have definitely survived and am about to finish with my counsellor so there is hope

these breakthroughs used to make me seriously depressed and unable to cope and in need of a lot of support - then after a few days or weeks it would settle down again and I would find a new and slightly healthier equilibrium.

Do you want to talk about it?

I am so pleased you feel able to finish with counselling. Very well done and I am so pleased.

Do I want to talk about it? At the moment, no. I feel like I want to go to sleep for a long time and forget everything. Remembering things is frightening, and I do feel depressed.

I wish I could feel anger. I need to. I just feel lost and tired and so sad.

I am due to see my therapist on Thursday. I want to go, but I want her to "fix" everything. I don't want to talk any more. The last session was the hardest one I have ever had to do. My mind is full of confusion. I want to be by myself but it's half term. I can't keep putting a smiley face on for the children all of the time.

I don't want to face any more "revelations" or memories. I wish I was someone else.

It probably sounds trite and won't help but what you said is what I could have and would have said a year ago or even less. I fantasised about taking all dh's pills so I didn't have to think anymore and other fantasies with not such good outcomes.

I do believe that even though it doesn't feel it at a time you won't remember more than you can handle.

It just tends to stretch your definition of 'handle' at times

I found it did help to tell someone how I was feeling even if I could not tell them why i was feeling that way - guess that's what I meant when I asked if you wanted to talk about it.

Sometimes just saying you feel so crap you want to be dead can give a bit of release.

Not trite, but caring, and I appreciate that. I know that talking to the therapist does help, but I can't face it at the moment. Talking here is good.

Did you ever have a break from counselling sometimes? Although at the same time, I need her.

Every time I tell her that I can't cope, she says, yes you are coping. OK, so technically she is right, I am still doing the caring for children thing, but inside I feel like I could explode with the pressure of horrid memories.

I really wish I could be by myself for a long time, without having to cope.

I have a lot to cope with: my ds needs major surgery, my dh does not love me lots when I am feeling bad, he avoids me. I don't feel like a good mum. I am scared I am not good enough.

And the only thing I can think of to release some of it is... a hot bath! That's not going to solve things, is it?!

You have a lot to cope with and I think it is possible to have a break from counselling. I had a four week break over the summer and I did feel better because I wasn't dealing with things. Friends said i looked much more peaceful. After the break it was pretty much straight in with some very painful steps and sessions but again lots of progress.

I would not find it odd to stop counselling over your dc's surgery, as that sounds like too much.

But I find counselling goes in phases - really painful intense ones when looking back you've made lots of progress and then calmer phases.