Have mental health problems so no fertility treatment

[Keziahhopes]

Hi
worst fears realised today. Turned up at fertility centre (nhs cycle, pct agreed funding, taken 11 months to get to this stage) for injection training and today is the first day injetions for ICSI (male factors)and the clinic says "sorry, at the meeting this morning we decided due to your gp writing to us and phoning the consultant we can't treat you." Failed welfare check.
- emoticon I want not available!!

If my dh not have antibody problems we could conceive naturally. Am mid 30's after years of ttc naturally.

I don't deserve children everyone agreed. No one to support me. I work with children, help run charity residential events - but clinic said that didn't count, it was gp. Changing gp not help, as (a) I would need them to know me for at least a year before they would be allowed to overrule this gp and this gp sent copies of letters from my psychiatrists - including the one that I am complaining about at official level (told to). Lost advocate, as he changed jobs.

They worried about how I would cope if the treatment failed, but no support offered for me to be childless. No treatment on NHS ever been given apart from 5 sessions when I was told I was suitable for that help.


Can't express how I feel. Hurting so mcuh.

[KnackeredCow]

Keziah I am so very sorry for you.

Perhaps your friends are silent because they simply can't think of anything constructive to say and feel awkward about approaching you? They are very aware they have children and maybe they think that you don't want their company? Is there anybody you can call? Perhaps they've misinterpreted the situation and think that you want to be left alone?

Are you able to appeal the decision? It might be worth going back to birdietimestwo's post further up.

[emptyshell]

Just wanted to sympathise - and friends with children can be incredibly insensitive without meaning to be (always love the way they think babysitting is a subsitute). I'm kind of the reverse to you - I can't get help for my depression because I refuse to throw in the towel and give up on working through my fertility/miscarriage issues. I have to agree to have a coil fitted in order to be given anti-depressants.

It's crap - considering if our bodies worked right we'd be able to be the most screwed up people in the world and still have as many kids as you like. If your plumbing is in the least bit wonky though - you're judged so harshly and have to prove your worth, almost as a human being - it's desperately unfair (we're completely ineligible for any fertility help too so I feel for you there as well). Like you I work with kids - I'm a teacher and you occasionally get the smug idiot who insists that you shouldn't be one unless you're a parent yourself.

I try to explain to friends my reaction after the latest run of miscarriages that it's grief for a bereavement - you're having to grieve for what you thought your life would be like, for your hopes and dreams for the future and it takes a heck of lot of courage to be able to kick out on the childless path which is the road less travelled by far. It doesn't quite get it through to them - the other way I try to explain it is that the pain of it all is like toothache in that it's incessant and not one you can rub better or get relief from in any way - but it's inside your heart.

I find things easier if I turn the grief feelings into anger - anger's disposable of at the gym, grief just lingers. I may sound totally mad doing that - but if I can turn my upset at the whole situation into a healthy dose of "pissed off" I can then vent that on a bike or treadmill for half an hour or so and come out vaguely human for a day or so - it's just my way of coping with it all, but I still don't sleep, drink too much on occasion and cry myself to sleep at night - it's normal, it's natural and you're bloody entitled to feel as sad or pissed off as you like and don't let any of the lucky crowd tell you otherwise. Because of me stupidly begging the GP for help, telling him I'd considered sucide etc - I'd fail any mental health checks for fertility problems or adoption myself too.

Wish I had some answers for you but I don't really - just wanted to let you know you're not alone. I try to tell myself I must be a bloody strong person because many others would have cracked completely after what life's chosen to throw at us - it helps a bit as well.

[Keziahhopes]

Oh emptyshell - so sorry to hear you in a similar situation to me. Totally agree with angry exercise at the gym, it helps gets things out of the system!!

And you are right - we are having to be strong people ... a few that know more have said to me they'd be a real mess by now.

Never heard of having to have a coil fitted to have antidepressants - that is appalling. There are quite a few mums on ADs, but they don't take the children away. And some psychiatrists prefer people to stay on ADs when ttc (my last supportive one did,not that I can use that support anymore as it is complicated!!) ...

It is ridiculous - we are both teachers, both would be allowed children if we had functioning bodies (ie no problems with infertility) yet we can't even pay thousands to have treatment that others can have!!

So - have you managed to tell the gp you would use alternative form of contraception (eg pill, condom - not coil) to get AD's - that is what I would do!!!!!!!!!!! Have control. Could you ask for referral to a psychiatrist - that is who gives me my ADs, and they have never told me to use contraception!!!

Oh, feel for you x

[FrozenNorthPole]

KH - posting again to say that you haven't been forgotten, our internet was out for several days and we've got it back but all my old cookies etc. had been wiped. Anyhow, other half is asleep next to me in the living room but I am going to put this thread in front of him tomorrow morning and he'll offer an opinion about possible next steps. I am so sorry that there has been such a delay on this and can only blame TalkTalk and also DH's tendency to fall asleep in front of the TV.
Thinking of you and really, really hoping there is a way out of this. You HAVE to be entitled to a second opinion on such a life-changing thing, I feel convinced of it - the first step is probably a meeting with the practice manager, and a representative of PALS, and hopefully the GP / another senior GP at the practice. I know the last thing you feel up to right now is yet more struggle - but I really hope DH can suggest a path to give you some hope back.

[Keziahhopes]

Ok, am now going to ask the psychiatrist who oversees me ADs to write to the clinic - but have to wait for about 2 months to see psychiatrist to have that option.

What annoys me is no one at the clinic has "assessed" me. The consultant I saw was happy and sent me the medication, and the next thing I know we have to wait for gp's letter. Gp not say I would cause significant harm or neglect in his letter. I asked to meet the doctor who has turned us down at their team meetings, but he will not see me - so no negative assesment from clinic.

All I can think of is that I am not worth the hassle, it is big money business FT, adn they have people queing for treatment so dont need to bother with me.

sorry for typo's - not on laptop!

[FrozenNorthPole]

Hello,

FN's DH, responding at her request:

1. Written complaint to practice. This will bring practice manager/senior partner +/- relevant GP(s) to the table to put across their side. Probably worth stating that you are seriously considering referral to the GMC AND that, given the circumstances, time matters and you will hold practice/GPs responsible for further delays.
   

1. State, clearly and in chronological order in this letter what has happened and where you believe you have been ill-served. In particular, highlight any factual inaccuracies. Question the evidence being used about ADs/pregnancy, as it seems to make little sense. In particular, question decision to refer followed by subsequent decision to undo all of this.
   

1. Contact PALS. Never hurts to have someone with knowledge of the system looking out for your interests.
   

1. At all times, be clear, calm and determined. Be polite but make them aware that there may be serious consequences (eg. complaint to PCT/GMC referral) should you not gain satisfaction.
   

1. Push ahead with the psychiatrist opinion also - if they say ok, the GP's opinion becomes a lot less relevant.
   

Good luck, and hope this helps.

FN's DH

[Keziahhopes]

Thank you very much FN's Dh. Yes, I and my dh have stayed calm throughout this (even the clinic's practice manager who saw us said this!)

[FrozenNorthPole]

Good job in staying calm - I think I might be facing charges for assault in your position (this is FN not her DH now). Good news re: the psychiatrist having the chance to turn things around, really hope he sees sense. I can imagine that two months is going to feel like a really long time to wait - hopefully during this time you'll receive an apology from your GP surgery (well, I guess that's optimistic, but I hope that you can make sure that this specific GP takes this as a learning experience).

[Keziahhopes]

FN - glad you said it was you and not your dh! RE: staying calm, I have no option - as any emotional reaction would be more opportunity to deny me treatment!! Yes, it feels such a long time - knowing need ICSI, but can't get it, glimmer of hope of treatment and then face losing all hope!! If that makes sense - want treatment, that is all - if it not work, or uses all our money that is our choice and I read others struggle with FT/IVF so why should I be any different.

Thanks for listening!