Depressed DH - What to do?

[FireAndWater]

I have a DH who told me a few weeks ago that he thinks he is depressed. It came after I told him I had enough of his behaviour and I was ready to leave/divorce.

He has been very difficult to live with for years (Lack of affection, repressed anger, lack of patience esp with the dcs, total withdrawing, the usual) and I have taken all that as a sign of him not loving me/ not wanting to be with us.

Now I am in limbo because I would not dream of leaving him because he is ill (I've had depression myself) but at the same time, lots of what happened has hurt me a lot and has destroyed a lot of the love I had for him.
I have looked with him at all the things he could do (GP, counsellor, acupuncture and other complementary therapies) but 3 weeks on he hasn't done a thing mainly because he doesn't want to! He has this attitude of 'Be Strong' so not wanting to ask for any help or to show any weaknesses...

I have learnt to distance myself from his moods and I manage most of the time. But I look at my dcs and the way he interacts with them, the putting down, sarcasism and general telling of and it breaks my heart.

How do you cope with all that?

bump

drive him to the GP and take him into the appt.

that is the most you can do.

if he refuses to take that step then you have to make an ultimatum - you get help and i will support you.
otherwise you go live elsewhere til your behaviour changes.

end of.

up to you to set the boundaries here.

you can distance yourself - your DC (assuming they quite young?) cannot.

I second this. You cannot help him, the professionals can and he needs to take control of his own illness, and you cannot live with him if he doesn't get this help because it is not fair on you or your children.

Thanks. I have thought about it and I probably need to get thougher with. He has made some effort recently but am not sure for how long he can sustain them iyswim.

Will come back later with more.

p.s. there are a couple of other threads you might like to look at, there are a few of us going through similar.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1059713-Help-for-partner-ideas

And
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/1050304-I-am-really-struggling-with-depressed-husband-need-advice-hugs

I'm currently very depressed and worrying about the effect it's having on DH.
These things help us;

Zero tolerance on any 'bad behaviour' - he understands that I'm far from well, and is prepared to be as supportive as possible, but this doesn't extend to abuse, rudeness or physical loss of control. However depressed I am, there is never an excuse to take it out on him.

We are both aware that he can't fix me or 'make me better'. Only I can make myself well.

I've told him very specifically what he can do to help. Partners can feel helpless in the face of, for example, a sobbing woman curled into the foetal position, but he knows that what will help at that moment is physical touch, to let me know that I'm not alone.

He has to put his own mental wellbeing first. This isn't selfish - it's essential for his own survival.

Etc, you get the idea. We find it very helpful to have boundaries firmly in place so that I know what I can expect, and what he's able to give, and to make sure he is comfortable with these expectations and knows where he stands.

Hope some of this helps. It's such a bloody awful situation to be in for everyone concerned.

Earlymorning, I think you are right. Zero tolerance on bad behaviour is a must for me. I need to learn to be much more careful and not just 'take it' when he is getting sarcastic/putting me down.
A recurrent issue for us is the small remarks he is making re some of my choices (I am a complementary practitioner so I tend to do/use things that are not always mainstream iyswim). So I've developped with time this idea that he thinks what I am doing is wo basis, merely placebo effect or witch craft. But then he comes and asks me to help if he has some aches and pains .

I think the reason I am finding hard atm is the fact that he doesn't share any of his worries/anxieties etc... It has to be me going hunting for them, asking questions etc... and even then we are not going very far. Because he looks 'strong' from the outside, I find it difficult to have some compassion tbh :(

I am also so worried about the dcs. dc1 has recently made a few comments that made me think a lot;

• No mummy, I don't want to stay withh Daddy. When I am crying, you help me but with daddy, it's like he telling me I'm an idiot.
• I prefer to be with you than Daddy. But don't tell him beacuse he will get angry.
• And dc1 just constantly double checking with me if I am upset/angry as if he had some responsability over my own mental well being...

dc1 has just turned 7yo, miles too young in my books to be so aware of people moods.

read the chapter in anne sheffield on impact on children of a depressed parent and for ideas on mitigation

www.amazon.co.uk/Depression-Fallout-Anne-Sheffield/dp/0060009349
and
www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/0609804154/ref=pd_lpo_k2_dp_sr_1?pf_rd_p=103612307&pf_rd_s=lpo-top-stripe&pf_rd_t=201&pf_rd_i=0060009349&pf_rd_m=A3P5ROKL5A1OLE&pf_rd_r=0DXCDKT6Y4962PTJ46KA How You Can Survive When They're Depressed : Living and Coping with Depression Fallout [Paperback]

get some counsellign for yourself - go se a family therapist and talk thru strategies and responses you can give your DC.

my exP constantly put down my oldest dd (she was 7 when he got really depressed, we left when she was 8) they still have v bad relationship and she doesnt "like" him v much... but he still deosnt see how he has some responsibility and how he needs to make repairs... tho he will make comments about ehr being "hard"... when they have been to see him. it is sad. certainly dd is much happier not living with him for sure (as am I)

I can relate with the comment about a dc 'being hard' to deal with. That's exactely what Dh would say about dc1. Even though, I saw his teacher this week for parent evening and he only has praise to tell : extremely well behaved child blabla.

I managed to make DH read 'How to talk'. He read the first 2 chapters & went quiet... I think it sort of sinked in that his way of relating to tehm is just plain wrong (Before, he was just getting angry at me for pointing out he could things in a different way) Whether he will be willing to make the effort to change that I don't know.

I'll ahve a look at the books too. Thanks.

he was actually meaning "hard" as being closed to him and unfriendly .... but anyway, yes the adult needs to improve...

Would it help to have your husband talk to the DC's, along the lines of 'love you very much but daddy isn't well at the moment'? Only because kids are hypersensitive to something not right, maybe encourage a culture of openness about mental health issues, that it's nothing to be ashamed of or secretive about.. I know it it a lot to put on a child.

I remember when I was small knowing something was very wrong with the way my mum behaved towards me, but it was always ignored/dismissed. This continues to affect me.

MASSIVE 'I do not know what I'm talking about' disclaimer here, I don't have children myself. Just some thoughts really.