My sister is bipolar with PND and wants to give her baby away

[mdavza]

She conceived, age 40, after a one night stand and against our advice decided to keep the baby. She has no job and ended up living with my parents, who are 61 and 65. Now, 4,5 months later, she's met a guy over the Internet, wants to get marriedto him and move to Dubai, and she doesn;t want her baby anymore. My parents love the little guy and want to adopt him, but they are actually too old. I live abroad, and this drama is driving me a bit nuts. Is there any social worker or somebody who could advise?

If she's very sure, she needs yto contact an adoption agency - they'll bite her hand off for an undamaged young baby. She sounds more like she needs a psychiatric nurse though.

Who diagnosed her with BP and what medication does she take?

Would your parents consider looking after him but without social services involvement?

Your sister needs help, clearly.

She doesn't sound fit to make a decision like that and if she's off to Dubai to marry someone she hardly knows is she having a 'high'?

They live in a very small town with a part-time doctor, so getting help has been tough. She has seen a psychiatrist and is now on new medication but she's having a hard time on it.

My parents are willing to adopt the baby, but I feel that my sister will want him back once she feels normal again. She was first diagnosed over 10 years ago, but she decided she didn;t agree with diagnosis and stopped treatment and meds, and her life has been one big nosedive ever since. My parents always have to pick up the pieces, at an enormous cost to them (and us), but what else can they do? I also think it will be best for the baby to be adopted, but they won't allow it. It just seem as if there is no good outcome in this.
Phipps - what difference would it make without social services involved? I think their expertise would be welcome?

madmouse - she's currently very depressed and I think she sees the guy and moving away as a way of escaping her pretty normal PN feelings of being trapped.

I also feel she is unfit as a mom, but once she's better (and how is that supposed to happen in a foreign country with a guy she barely knows?!!) she'll be prapared to take responsibility for this. My heart just bleeds for the baby, who didn;t ask for any of this to happen.

It is possible for the parents to informally look after the child without adoption - that would also keep options open for her to have the child back later if it is in the child's interest.

A few things need to be sorted out like your parents must be able to give medical consent etc.

IME social services don't always make the best decision for the child and I don't see why they would need to be involved when it is a blood relative looking after the child.

Would your parents be willing to be temporary foster parents?

Why can't a solicitor just do a private adoption without involving SS?

would your sister be deemed in a fit state of mind to be able to make these decisions? Maybe not. Getting SS involved may mean decisions are made for her!

I agree - if your parents are willing and able to look after him right now can you not let that happen and then see how things develop with her? Tbh I think it would be terribly sad to give away a child who is wanted in your family and whose mother may want him. The end cost to her mental health will be huge.

I have a manic/depressive cousin and the patterns seem to be very similar.

My hunch is that adopting the baby out is not the answer. She is not in a fit state to make such an important decision (it's hard enough for most of us emotionally when they are young babies after a long and tiring pregnancy), and in time there is a strong chance it would destroy her life, knowing she had given her son away.

However, meeting a guy over the Internet and deciding to get married, seems to be something that is headed for disaster. Could you all agree that she goes out and meets him, or that he comes over, but that no big decisions are made. Does she just need a few days away for a start? 'Time out' may well help her to put her life and priorities in order.

Will she consider any counselling?

This has been so helpful, thank you all.
My sister has had counselling on and off since her teens (she's 40 now) and at the moment she accepts that she's bipolar but she's fickle - something is wrong if it suits her. She dated this guy in her 20's and he went away and they met up again over the Internet in her 3rd trimester. As guys go he's not a bad one, and he's reading up a lot on bipolar and encouraging her to do the right things, so there's a slither of hope it might work out. The plan is for her to move to Dubai where she could go on his Medical Aid and get proper treatment, without the baby. I suppose this is fine and I agree, might be better to keep SS out. On the other hand, they need to have some kind of legal say over the baby if my sister is abroad.
My parents rightly feel that she has in the past 20 years never made responsible deicisions, and then she had the baby and it has not changed her one bit. I heard yesterday that she now has a part-time job and this might be great for her. This is a horrible disease.