Single mum, isolated, no support - help please

[stargirl0412]

Hi,

First of all, I am not a mum, just a concerned friend who's come to this site looking for some answers on how I can help my friend.

She is in her late 40s and mum to a five year old girl (who's very difficult to say the least!) and divorced about 2 years ago.

She is a wonderful woman and a dear friend, but has got to the stage where she is desperately depressed. She feels worthless, useless, completely lacks confidence and feels she has nothing to offer.

She tells me she is bursting into tears all the time, and because I suffer with depression myself, recognise the symptoms and urged her to go to her GP. She won't take anti-depressants though.

What worries me most is that she said she thinks about suicide, but the thought of leaving her DD is the only thing that stops her.

She has no friends that she is close to in her location (she is in the Midlands - I am in London) and her mother, who lives a few miles away from her, offers little support by way of childcare because the husband complains about it.

She has some money coming in, but not enough to afford regular childcare. Her ex can't even be bothered to keep in touch with the child, and anyway, he lives in an unstable environment of drug taking, so she wouldn't want to leave her with him, even if he was willing.

Sorry if I'm rambling here - I'm just trying to think of all the variables.

Basically, my friend feels completely alone and has no support. she said she feels as though she's "fading away". I think a big thing too is that she feels she can't meet another guy because she's limited in being able to meet them, because of lack of childcare, etc.

Does anyone have any ideas on how she can improve her situation? I:'ve suggested occasional voluntary work to her, just to get her out of the house and interacting with other people, but I think she's too depressed to act on anything. She told me she will see her GP though.

Sorry for the long post and apologies for any repetition. I am really just looking for any ideas on how I can help her - I am really worried about her.

college courses?

exercise....join clubs.

the usual stuff i guess. netmums local has a fairly good meet a mum section,and has lots of local activities listed

school pta.....helping out in school etc??

Thanks sprinkledust, I will suggest these ideas to her.

You could suggest that she self-refers to somewhere like Home Start - they will send a volunteer around to befriend her and just be there for her.

They work with families where one child is 5 or under, so she will just qualify if her dd is 5 now.

I'm a HS volunteer and find it really rewarding and some of the families I've worked with just needed someone to actually visit and listen to them for a bit.

Also, if you think she'd go for it, her local children's centre could help with things like family support etc.

If her dd goes to school there will probably be a parent support advisor connected to the school who could suggest stuff to her as well, they are well used to dealing with isolated people and will be a huge support.

Obviously all these suggestions are things that she will have to do herself but you could suggest them to her.

Hi stargirl, it's so tough when we get trapped in a negative downward spiral.... Has your friend had any psychological support? Perhaps a counsellor so she can balance out her feelings?When I was in a very similar situation when my son was little, I sought out a counsellor..she lived a 3 hour train-ride away, but the support and reassurance she gave me for those 3 years was invaluable :) I found it very easy to wallow in my own sadness, and to believe "this is how it's always gonna be". I think your friend has to want to be happy again, otherwise it will be a very hard slog :( One small step at a time :)

btw - you said that her dd is difficult - the children's centre and/or parent support advisor will be able to help with her behaviour as well if appropriate.

Hi Lollipopshoes, just wondered if Homestart have changed in the last 15 years? I went to them when my son was 2 maybe ( and boy was I desperate ) and they paid me a home visit, and said there was nothing they could do for me :( No support, no befriending, nothing... I was devastated, and looking back, pretty angry!
Any support we can get at such a desperate time is just so important :) I suppose lack of funding played a big part in my situation, hopefully these days that's not the case :)
Keep up the good work :)

Hi again stargirl, just wanted to say, my son was a "nightmare" at that age... except looking back now he really wasn't! All he wanted was my love and attention. A family therapist saw us together and he said "all he wants is for his Mummy to love him" so I started telling him and showing him that I did, and he changed almost overnight! I think when we are deeply depressed our children feel it and react badly to it.. which is only natural I guess. I think sometimes we're too quick to "blame the child", but I think that's a little unfair :( After all who did my son learn from? Me! :(

oh kibbutz that's horrible! Afaik HS befriend anyone referred to them - at my local one there are way more people needing visits than volunteers so sometimes there is a bit of a wait but they never turn anyone away!

Hey Lollipop, I guess it was a long time ago! I wish you'd have been around then :)

I would also suggest she comes and joins us in lone parents. It can really help talking to people in similar situations, even if it is on the Internet. Also try Gingerbread.