where do i start?

[uytkfkulygluy]

other than asking my doctor for counselling (which i understand is going to be cbt right? which i'm already attempting thanks to a netmums course. hope we're allowed to mention rival site without getting struck off!).

i am not a fan of taking pills of any sort, and unless i am to use them in a constructive way (for example when i start a new job to take the edge off the nerves or something), i am not open to taking pills unless i really get to the point of being about to harm my children. i do a good enough job of numbing myself as it is. and i have no good social habits to fall back on.

so i'm depressed. i was stressed and struggling for a while before i got to depressed. i asked for help from partner but didn't get it. so i got depressed. i didn't want sex. i shut down and got on with the things i needed to do (ie be mother to my kids). partner has decided to leave me today, despite the fact that i had started this cbt course and my mood was starting to lighten. he didn't give it a chance. i'm upset about this obviously.

i have no real friends. there are two mates one who is a boy (ex fuck buddy and msn only nowadays) and one who lives a couple of hours away and who has never been close. but i like her and value her for not fucking off when i had my first child like my other so called friends. we are unlikely to become close.

my mum and i are not close and she is very busy almost all day every day. my dad and i have only within the last year begun to have basic conversations.

i have no other family, no job, no education to undertake, and am unable to remain friends with my ex (for being unwilling to take the risk of him letting me down again when i next get depressed, not to mention the fact that he has hurt me ending it now and like this. people have always disappeared when i've got depressed). i have no regular babysitter (mum's so busy and the kids' dad does shifts. paid help is out as the youngest is too difficult at the moment). no religion and no culture.

how do i start to sort myself out? i'd like friends, something to occupy my mind other than kids (job/education but only when the youngest is old enough. unless i can take him along?!), and some time where i can be carefree. i'm all work and no play right now!

feel horrible like there's nothing good about me and that it all needs to change. :(

i aim to call docs on monday...

thanks for replying. attempting a smile there! just when i thought no-one was going to. the dc are 6 months and 2 1/2 years. i do take them out for classes regularly but i find it extremely difficult to speak to people, especially when they are all polish/african and sit in their little groups speaking their own language, or are all ten years older than me, and happy, and who wants to talk to an unhappy person anyway. i feel so uncomfortable but i have to struggle through them as they need to get out and see other kids and have some fun don't they. i once tried a young mums group when i was still within the age limits. that was crap too. there were two people: me and one teenager.
i tried meet a mum when i was less miserable. i tried to be sociable but i was still a little uncomfortable and shy and i never saw anyone more than twice. and i was single back then too whereas the people i met were all happily engaged and living together - i just wanted a drinking buddy who happened to have a child my child could play with.
hmm i feel like i'm rambling sorry. cba to go back and pick that apart to change.

thanks i hadn't heard of depression groups before. i'll investigate at least. though not sure about that at all! googling that did lead me to the mind website and it seems they offer some other services so i will check that out. good to know there's an alternative to docs.
again thanks for taking the time to reply. and for saying nice things :)