So down

[Blef1974]

I feel so low at the moment. I have been having suicidal thoughts and the local psychiatric team are now involved. Everything was great until August when I got a pain in the upper right quadrant in my abdomen. Since then I have had 3 hospital admissions with endless tests. The consultant has no idea what is wrong but other problems have been found and I need a gynae operation and my gallbladder removed in the near future.

A few years ago I had some severe mental health problems but they seemed to be under control. I stopped drinking over 14 months ago and was content with my life.

Since this pain started though I have become more and more depressed. I have begun to have thoughts of self harm and suicide. My mum has had to step in and look after my 3 children for the three separate weeks that I've spent in hospital, for which I'm so grateful.

However when I'm at home with the girls I feel as if I'm no longer coping but don't know why! The girls are fed well, clean, loved and nurtured but I still feel like I'm failing. I called social services in but don't even know what I would want from them.

All my plans that I had back at the start of August have had to be put on ice and I feel so sad. I just seem to cry all the time. I'm finding getting up in the morning so hard. I had a panic attack in Tesco today. I don't understand why this is all happening to me again. Why was life just going so pleasantly and now feel like it's been taken away from me? Have I pressed the self-destruct button?

I didn't want you to think no one cared. I'm sorry that you feel so down. It sounds as if you are a good Mum and doing your very best with your girls. What could be better than a grandma looking after them if their Mum is unwell? No need to feel bad about that I think.

Lots of people have to change their plans when things happen. You are not alone.

Life will improve again, I'm sure of it. I do wish you well.

Are you on meds? If not, then ask if they can help. If you are, then they are having an effect and may need time to work properly. Make your psyc team aware of how you are feeling.

You sound like you are doing a good job, give yourself credit for that. You know that children from depressed parents, who despite the depression interacted with their kids, do just as well as all other kids. Everyone needs someone. Your kids have you. You should lean on the support teams around you. You say you don't know why this is happening, you are mixed up so let others help you work it out. You are not self destructing, you just sound scared and a bit out of your depth.

Blef1974,

I have namechanged especially for this as I couldn't not reply.

I started to get a pain in the same area that you describe about 5 years ago, during a time of huge emotional strain, during which I was reliant on my Mum. Unfortunately, at the same time, I began to realise that my Mum was not the safest person for me to rely on, but since I had no-one else, I was stuck.

Over recent years I have looked into various therapies and found primal/prenatal therapy to be of enormous help. This is quite "out there," but the end result has been to work on my pre-birth experiences, and to find that the pain (which, like you, I had numerous scans & tests about) resulted from the falciform ligament. This is a remnant of our connection to our mother at the placenta; if it was not a happy & nourishing time, the theory goes that scars can remain and cause pain for many years.

I know how strange this sounds, but it has been very healing and valuable to me. The pain still comes back sometimes and always compounds any feelings of being unwanted and unloved.

I have lots more to say, but will wait to hear back whether it is of any use to you so far. I wish you great healing and peace.

Oh Blef:( I really feel for you.

Reading through your post I'm not surprised you feel low and feel like you're not coping. You have a lot to deal with. There is uncertainty about what is causing you pain which must be very worrying for you. I expect you're also worrying about what else might be found and the thought of future tests.

How bad is the pain? Are you on any painkillers and if so do they work? Sorry about the questions, but if the pain isn't being controlled very well this will also lower your mood.

It's probably a good idea to talk over your feelings with someone. Maybe your GP. It sounds like everything is getting on top of you. Added to this is probably the worry that you could slide back down after coming so far. Perhaps some ADs may help you cope in the short term, whilst you get your head round things.

Try to get any rest and support you can to enable you to get through this and also try not to think too far ahead.

Hope this helps x

Thanks for the replies guys. I am so tired and so frustrated at the moment. I am in severe pain all the time, am taking Tramadol, Buscopan, Paracetamol, Diclofenac and Metoclopramide for stomach problems. Am on venlafaxine for depression.

The meds make me feel so tired and so sick. I'm struggling to keep myself awake. The pain is just awful. I just want it to stop. I was told if the pain came back I had to go to A&E and be readmitted to hospital, but I can't bear the thought of that.

The physical pain came first this time, the depression reared it's ugly head after a few weeks of feeling ill. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up again.

Agree with itsonlyajob try and push for removal asap. You shouldn't have to put up with so much pain.

Well guys. Thanks for the advice. I went back into hospital two weeks past Tuesday. I spent a week unbelievably ill on the ward, was dosed up on regular Tramadol/Paracetamol, Morphine, buscopan and Nefopam, and also cyclizine and metoclorpromide to stop me from vomiting.

A week past Monday they decided to take out my gallbladder, which happened on Wednesday. Within an hour of my op finishing and me being back on the ward I was up and walking and had drunk two cups of tea.

I was discharged on Thursday last week, with the local mental health crisis team in charge of me, which I thought was a formality. However my mood hasn't lifted. I'm still struggling mental health wise and now it looks like the Borderline Personality Disorder that I was diagnosed with several years ago but have had under control for the last 15 months has reared it's ugly head. I now have the crisis team involved with me and have a new care co-ordinator (haven't had one since march). I feel terribly sad at the moment.

Oh bloody hell. The pain is back. I'm in tears here. My mum is coming back to get the girls and it looks like I'm back off to the hospital again. I feel so, so desolate about this. It's nearly 3 months of pain now, my mental health is in bits because of it too.

I am having such a weird day today. Got back from the hospital yesterday with a diagnosis of inflammed rib cartilage and some more tablets. Woke today feeling slightly better physically. However, mentally I feel whacked.

Part of my illness (Borderline Personality Disorder) involves me wanting to take risks, and today I have had some weird thoughts all to do with the things I see as risky but which get me high psychology and physically. I haven't acted on any of the thoughts but it is starting to get really hard not to.

Started off with drugs, I haven't done any drugs for a hell of a long time (pre-children) and today I have an urge, not just a passing thought, but a proper urge for cannabis. I want to be stoned.

Then I got the urge to have sex, I don't have a partner, and I have been celibate for over 2 and a half years but I'm feeling, well to put it plainly, horny. I keep thinking if I go out clubbing tonight I could pull someone and just have sex and well you know.

I don't drink either, I stopped over 15 months ago, and I so want to get completely drunk. Not stupid drunk, but completely chilled out, stoned drunk, like on a good whiskey drunk.

I know none of these urges are responsible and will probaby end up acting on non of them, but these urges are so strong that it hurts. Why cant life just be simple.

Oh life is so hard to get going at the moment. I have been put on Zopiclone on Saturday when the CPN came out. So now I have had two night's sleep but I feel so damn hungover and I have that horrific Zopiclone taste in my mouth.

I managed to resist all my urges the other night, and feel quite proud about that, and even went out yesterday to the Newcastle Sunderland match. We won 5-1 and that set off a manic spell for me, I was completely hyper, couldn't sit still all night and by 11.30pm I was starting to get tired but my brain was still buzzing. So after phoning the CPN's I took the zopiclone and went to sleep.

Zopiclone is such a weird drug. It sends me off to sleep but if I dream I never remember. And when I wake up it feels like I have blinked and the hours have passed. Literally just closed my eyes and then opened them again, so I don't feel like I have rested properly.

Today I feel like I have a woolly head, but if I could get myself physically going I would be having a bit of a manic stage again today.

Oh crap. It's 2.20am and I haven't been to sleep yet. I feel so low. I know it's selfish of me but just want to go to sleep and not wake up again! It's only the fact that my dd's are here in the house that is stopping me from doing anything.

I hate myself for feeling like this! I hate the fact that my three beautiful dd's have been cursed with me as their mum! They deserve so much better!

I love my dd's so deeply, but the suicidal thoughts are horrific! When they come into my head its as if nothing else matters but them. I try distracting myself but they just come back! I am hurting so much and feel so alone.

:-(