Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Flip

Original poster

I don't know if I can cope any more

25 replies

embarassedone · 05/10/2010 19:49

I had issues as a kid (see general health for how they've been stirred up).

I don't think I can cope with it again. I don't want to see anyone who knows ever again.

No GP, no A&E, just gently sliding into the chill.

OP posts:

Original poster

embarassedone · 05/10/2010 20:41

Correction: I can't do it, end of. It's kinder not to say.

OP posts:

madmouse · 05/10/2010 20:56

He embarrassedone - sorry no energy to trawl through general health but have been in places where I couldn't do anymore and got out the other side - what's going on and what are you hoping for by posting here?

Original poster

embarassedone · 05/10/2010 21:05

I had very bad childhood experiences. Thought I was over them as managed adult medical examinations. Had a botched medical exam last week, still bleeding on and off. Haven't had a rent agreement since June (private landlords wont have me). And have other problems too.

Ashamed I'm not over it, feel a 99% failure (any more and I wouldn't be posting).

OP posts:

madmouse · 05/10/2010 21:56

There's no shame in not being 'over it'

not at all

healing takes lots of time and energy and some bits just always stay hard.

You are not a failure!!

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 09:56

Thanks madmouse...you are so helpful to people here :)

-----------
Today is the first day I've woken up thinking about the canal (better chance than the river) - usually only think like that at night.

Future isn't there, not in Dave's Britain. Less of a strain on the health service too :)

OP posts:

madmouse · 06/10/2010 10:11

Embarrasedone please get real life help today

You need it

Believe me you do

Right now

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 10:32

I wont argue (last week I was scaring myself, now I'm not - just need that 0.5-1%).

I cannot approach my GP practice (new GP ok, but didn't want her to think me an attention seeking time waster/waste of space too).

Good that I've held on so long, as there will be no punting gawkers to interrupt (which might make the rivers safer than canal).

Shame it's got colder, but I don't deserve easy.

OP posts:

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 12:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 13:31

So stupid, noone to talk to.

OP posts:

Easywriter · 06/10/2010 13:40

Embarrasedone, I haven't read general heath yet. I will, but felt I ought to post something now.

Can you call your GP and get them to call you back (Telephone appointment). I think you need to talk to someone and now.

You won't be bothering them, you aren't a time waster. You deserve some of your doctors time.

Call them EO.

Glee4mee · 06/10/2010 13:51

Embarassedone please phone your GP and keep posting here.

Please try not to be so hard on yourself and as someone earlier mentioned there is no time limit.

madmouse · 06/10/2010 14:06

Sounds like you are in Oxford then - you deserve better than an end in the yucky Thames (or Isis)

Go to the Warneford or to the JR A&E and tell them what you told us.

don't hang around waiting for that last 1%

you don't have to feel like this you can feel better.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 14:31

GP receptionist said I should have phoned this morning at 8...same as they would say anyway. Warneford said GP (not known to them).

I've been in majors when people have failed OD'd. Majors/A&E scare the cr*p out of me because they take away my mobility and put the sides up because they 'think' I will fall.

castle mill isn't yucky, just looks cold, so need 0.25% and dark. it finally makes sense.

OP posts:

madmouse · 06/10/2010 15:42

It makes no sense - suicide never does. if GP receptionist told you that you didn't tell them you are purely suicidal. And if they put the sides up it is to protect you.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 16:10

Rationally I know that about cotsides. After 20 years you get tired of it (because other people can climb over them).

I only thought to tell the receptionist it was something that couldn't wait til tomorrow. That was wrong of me.

OP posts:

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 16:19

All I oculd say to doc is:
unacceptable level of health
inappropriate housing
harassment from living
about to lose work and chance of in future due to first two

She wouldn't disagree, coping strategies less than load, and has been for 3/4 years

OP posts:

madmouse · 06/10/2010 17:05

you are now suggesting that doc would agree that you are better of dead - that's barmy

Listen if you don't want help I can't make you

It just seems a waste of life and i just don't believe that there is no other way out

And I have been through enough not to say that lightly.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 17:35

I only see what I suggested now you have said. It made sense at the time, and does if I don't look at your post.

No monitor to stop my thoughts, but much less sad/scared now it is all sorted, head quieter almost to sleep.

Didn't koow barmy was this peaceful, guilt/sad is gone.

But I am sorry if I am upsetting you by posting stupid things. I don't know what I did with the phone, don't need it any more. Think I am too happy/peaceful for anyone to believe now. This is such a strange feeling.

OP posts:

madmouse · 06/10/2010 18:00

You are not upsetting me

But I can't give help that's not wanted.

If you've closed yourself off to everything whatever I say here won't make a difference.

I can only repeat that it doesn't have to be this way.

I once went on my way to a motorway bridge - totally sure it was the best for ds and dh. Something made me text a friend. It took him hours to find me but I'm still glad I sent that text.

I'm no longer in Oxford so there's a limit to what I can do to help.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 18:30

Reading that makes me feel slightly anxious again...if I had friends here, I would have been talking to them. My friends are mostly 2 hours away, and I don't want to worry them (that sounds crap as I'm worrying at strangers on a forum :S ).

I guess in old city I would have gone to GP (online appointment booking) and talked. Here I don't seem to be able to say it out loud. Because I'm scared (a whole however many minutes after my last post :( ).

Which brings me back to do I/ don't I, which is rubbish. I don't know. A walk and chickening out worked a long time ago, but I'm older and more pig-headed now. I should have made new friends when I moved.

I haven't even checked out whether it gets deserted there. Fuck I'm stupid timewaster

OP posts:

madmouse · 06/10/2010 19:45

If you were my friend I would drive two hours to be with you right now if only I knew this is how you felt.

Original poster

embarassedone · 06/10/2010 20:57

You must be a very good friend.

OP posts:

Original poster

embarassedone · 07/10/2010 13:16

Why don't I want to help myself? Does this mean I will? Someone from my old life threatened to contact here unless I contacted them, so I emailed to say I was fine.

I was scared, didn't want her calling the police as I don't know what they'd do? (now just have to look calm if they pass)

Maybe I want to be left to do it, but can't believe I lied. That's disgusting of me.

OP posts:

madmouse · 07/10/2010 15:12

I'm not sure what it is you do want either.

Yesterday on one hand you were sure you wanted to be dead on the other hand yo were dropping hints about location which seems an obvious shout for help.

Then a friend? (not sure what old life means?) contacts you and you lie and then feel bad about it.

Not too sure you are sure what you want.

Original poster

embarassedone · 07/10/2010 17:34

One thing I am sure of now is that it's not a safe thing to talk to my GP about. My work has tied accommodation, and the regs around that are tight.

As far as location goes, I'm not sure as to me that's over a mile worth, but fair point on how it sounds. I would never give place/exact time (although by the bridge would seem stupid).

Old life - all my old friends stayed in the same place, I was the only one to move.

Moving, I placed myself in a situation that others are describing as abusive. Old council say they have no responsibility, going to beg to new one for last time tomorrow (also saying no responsibility), can't get private accomm. Moving out could (partly) save my sanity, but destroy my career, and it doesn't look like I can move back :( .

As far as feeling bad goes, that's why my out needs to be planned and why I haven't detailed it.

I think part of my 'not sure' is that I've always promised myself no DSH, so would have to be final.

OP posts:

Flip