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Mental health

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Original poster

BPD - Why do i keep pushing people away?

19 replies

OnTheBorderline · 03/10/2010 20:31

I need some advice now before I push someone away I really don't want to push away :(

I Found out I had BPD about a year ago and though a lot of counselling I have managed to control it most of the time.
But about 4 months ago someone wonderful came into our life and without my counsellor around I am struggling to control it and the new issues it has brought into my life. I really hope he stays with me for the rest of my life, he is so nice, yet I keep pushing him away.

I have talked this through with my counsellor before it finished and I know why I do it, it's because I'm almost 'testing' to see if people will stay in my life. But I don't want to test him so much that I push him away :( I am so afraid that's what I am going to do.

I tried to talk to him about this last night but he was so tired that he fell asleep and I just went to sleep feeling silly.

I push him away by doing things like getting annoyed for no reason and taking it out on him, even though a few minutes before I was cuddled up to him.

He is really easy-going and has so much patience. He is amazing with my son and treats him as his own, When I 'go-off' on one he never reacts or shouts back at me, he just waits for me to calm down, but I can see already, the more I have these outbursts, the less he cuddles up to me and the less nice moments we have, but I completely understand this because I would find it hard to be friendly with someone that was just shouting at me a few seconds ago.

Please help me before I destroy probably one of the only relationships I have had that haven't been abusive :(

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 03/10/2010 20:38

I think I might be doing this with my dh but it makes no sense as I would be totally lost without him.

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 03/10/2010 20:41

That's how I feel. It makes no sense because for the first time ever someone has made me feel secure. And for some reason I am 'testing' this to the limit. I'm afraid I will over 'test' it and he will have enough and leave me. I need to learn to control this urge before I push him away for good :(

OP posts:

madmouse · 03/10/2010 20:43

I've always done this - not because of BPD but because of a child abuse history.

I've always waited for him to find out what I'm really like and leave me. I think that stopped about 2 years ago or a bit less. We've been together 13 years.

I've tried lots of things to get rid of him but he hasn't gone.

I have a few friends who are equally stubborn

So....There's hope.

Having a good relationship in your life and being loved is so dangerous, the potential to get hurt is so enormous. So you push them away to avoid getting hurt when they leave or turn against you...

What specifically do you do to push?

IUsedToBeFab · 03/10/2010 20:45

Dh is the first person I have been myself with but we have been together for 14 years and I have been ill for most of those. I don't consciously test him but sometimes I just wish he would leave me alone. .

maxout · 03/10/2010 20:50

Please take a deep breath and stop to give yourself a chance to suceed..Ive had a similar diagnosis and have done excatly the same to my now husband, I remember the day before our wedding totally losing it with him and throwing our daughters car seat at him..Ive been really ill and hospitilized quite a few times, but he hasnt given up and after twelve difficult years we are still together and very recently after a bad spell we seem to have taken time with each other listened and just enjoyed being together.. Yet I still mentally set him challenges just to check he still lives up to my expectations. Often he just doesnt react and it angers me so much, but he says he just doesnt want to get into a fight with me..Im even managing to stop and think before I lash out

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 03/10/2010 21:03

There are so many things I do to push, and he takes it all :(
some of the things I will do...

Have a go at him for not doing some things about the place when he stays (he stays a lot) even though he does plenty of other things to try and make me happy

will turn nice gestures he does for me around and still get moody. for example tonight he brought me some water for me to soak my feet in but because I have been in a bad mood I have just gone and sat on the other chair away from him. It's not that I don't want to be close to him and sit next to him. It's just sometimes I get mad for no reason, direct it at him and because I know he likes sitting next to me I will sit away from him because I'm moody

get annoyed about things 'sexually', I guess because sex with him is very different than it was with my sons dad I tend to bitch about it, and I really don't know why i do it because I am creating a bad atmosphere around the issue and am single handedly ruining our sex life.

I get so mad with him because he seems so easily dependant, not in a financial way, more in a 'child' way. He never wants to be on his own and I get worked up because in my counselling I learnt that when I have issues I need to think through I need to go and have 'quiet time' to sit and work out exactly how I am going to manage whatever situation I seem to be struggling with. And he just wants to be there all the time so when I feel annoyed and need the 'quite time' to work out how I feel I just don't get it.

But on the other hand he will get my son up and dressed sometimes on the weekend and take him out so I can stay in bed.

I feel like whatever he does just always seems tainted because of my erratic moods and I think he feels like whatever he does never seems good enough for me.

I really want to snap out of this because he wants everything I do and we otherwise seem so well matched. I don't want to lose him :(

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 08:08

You won't lose him as long as you are honest with him and both of you talk, lots. Good luck.

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 09:42

I have been very open with him and told him from very early days about my BPD. I don't think it really meant anything to him though. I also showed him a book I have called 'I hate you, please don't leave me' in the hope that he would read it but he doesn't like reading so hasn't yet picked it up.

I keep having good intentions and try to be affectionate and cuddly rather than pushing him away, and something will happen and I will just get mad and push him away again. I did it last night. I even went and slept on the sofa. And then I stupidly feel hurt because he didn't come and get me, yet too 'proud'(?) to just get back into bed with him...

I hope he sticks around for as long as your DH has Fab :) that would be lovely...

Madmouse - I have a past too, and maybe I am also afraid he will found out about the things that happened to me and will leave me. But I couldn't bare to tell him about it, when I talked about it with my counsellor I decided that I was lying it to rest and I have been coping much better since then. I don't really want to drag it all up again, especially now my counsellor isn't there to offer support if I can't cope...

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 09:49

Have you told him why you are the way you are and what you would like him to do when certain things happen?

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 10:01

I have told him that I have a past, although I haven't gone into detail, and I have told him that I like it when he sticks around even when I have an outburst, and I have told him it upsets me when he lets me sleep on the sofa... Even though I know that it's my own fault for going on the sofa

But just recently, because of all my outbursts I just feel like when I try to talk about why I am the way I am, I just feel like it sounds like a load of excuses and he probably won't want to hear about it..

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 10:40

My dh knows everything and did before we married. I told him some stuff pretty soon into the relationship as I knew he could be the one and wanted him to leave me before I fell too deep for him if he was going too.

If you feel that this could be the one then you need to find a way to talk to him.

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 11:55

I really do think he could be the one, and I think he feels the same about me, but I don't know if I can bring it all up again :( I just want to forget about it.

And to be honest I don't think he would want to know because it was sex-related abuse and when I confided in him about my sons dad attacking me sexually he got really angry towards him. I don't know how he would react. I know he wouldn't hurt me or anything, but I just don't want to hurt him...

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 12:04

I have tried forgetting stuff. Just doesn't work.

It concerns me that he can't keep his feelings under control when you are telling him something so personal and difficult.

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 12:14

It wasn't at the time when I was telling him, it was the next time we saw my sons dad in our local town (my son doesn't have contact with his dad) that I realised what feelings of anger he had towards him.

But the fact that he feels angry towards my sons dad doesn't make me wary, I know that he wouldn't act on his feelings and I know he would never hurt us, I wouldn't have let him in our life if there was even a smidgen of a doubt (due to my history of abuse after abuse)

He is really gentle and caring, but I just don't want to bring it all up again. I had told my sons dad and he threw it in my face repeatedly, and after me and him split I had a year of counselling and now I don't have the urge to tell people like I used to before (I used to feel as though I had to tell people to feel as though they had accepted the real 'me')

I just need to learn to stop pushing him away and start doing nicer things for him before he has enough :(

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 12:21

We have such similarities. I told dh eventually but we don't need to talk about it again he knows what I can and can't do and he knows how to help me. I am sure he is angry with the man who abused me but he doesn't show me.

Is it that you have told your DP some things but there is more and you don't want too?

The right man will stick by you no matter what you do. It took my dh a whole year of me being a cow each month to realise it was PMT but he never asked or said anything until last year!

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 12:52

Iv'e confided in my DP about the more recent stuff but I feel as though the past has been laid to rest when I had my counselling. I just don't feel as though I need to bring it up and maybe one day I will feel as though I want to share that with him, but right now I just don't feel as though I want/need to.

I get terrible PMT too, each month I turn into a nasty, scathing, bitch that thinks nothing is ever good enough. I take it all out on the people closest to me. Over the years my parents and closest friends have put up with so much

I have no doubt that he would stick by me irrelevant of my past, but not I'm just not sure that if I just dropped that on him after I have been pushing him away so much if he would still think it was worth it?

I need to do something nice for him to show him that I do care and I'm not pushing him away because I don't want him around. I want him to stay more than anything

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 13:06

If you don't feel you need to bring it up then don't, but do you feel he needs to know?
t
For PMT I take agnus castus and it is a miracle worker. I only take one tablet, not the 4 it recommends but I know about it when I don't take it.

Why are you pushing him away? Are you testing to see if he will stay regardless?

Original poster

OnTheBorderline · 04/10/2010 13:22

That's exactly why, it's like my subconscious feels the need to test that everyone in my life will stay no matter what and whether he does stay regardless or not, I am ruining the 'here and now' in our relationship by pushing him away so much. I'm afraid he will just get fed up of my constant mood swings and just leave :( I really don't want that!

I don't feel as though he needs to know, I just feel like it could potentially add stress to our relationship. I might tell him one day, if I feel as though he needs to know. But right now there is no other reason he needs to. He already knows I have been abused by my sons dad so he knows there are some things we can't do due to this. Otherwise I can't see that telling him would bring any good.

When do you take the Agnus Castus? I think I might try that, is it only for PMT or can I take it throughout the month too? Anything that makes me a bit less crazy is a bonus

OP posts:

IUsedToBeFab · 04/10/2010 13:26

I haven't taken it for a while as I am on so many tablets I can't face it, but I would normally take it every morning. You take it every day.

I wasn't consciously pushing my dh away but I had only split up with an ex a month or so before after taking him back and I just decided to be myself. It is kind of freaky to think I was testing him and wasn't aware of it.

He is only the second man I have ever loved but that only happened because of others intervention which a bit of me regrets.

You can get through this, just keep talking to him. He is probably a bit about what it going on too.

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