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Original poster

Feeling really...weird

25 replies

Sheslosingit · 02/10/2010 00:52

So, I have a long history, I'll summerise it by just saying bpd but supposedly better now.

Tonight I feel...weird. I got up at 5am and I'm still up now, whith is a bit alrm belly as it is, but I feel somehow jumpy and paranoid and unsettled.

I just caught myself about to apply for credit that I can't afford, and stopped myself, but that's not a good sign is it?

Same with feeling really creative and productive...sounds good at face value I suppose...

Also...I'm starting to lie again. just little, really stupid lies that make no difference to anything (eg what I had for tea) but is not good...

I'm hoping that being this aware is good, right? usually I only identify this stuff in retrospect (generally as I come to in a hospital ward and have to try and work out where I need to start with sorting stuff out)

Scary stuff though.

What can I do though...can't go to gp to say I feel unspecifially weird...

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 02/10/2010 00:55

Iam talking nonsense?

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 02/10/2010 01:04

Hmm, ok, now my brething is getting odd too. What I need to do is go to bed but i can't sit still os how could i go to bed>

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 02/10/2010 01:07

is noone there? is there somewhere else onlline? I just need to calm down enough to go to sleep before this gets going

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madmouse · 02/10/2010 08:46

Sheslosing it - are you still there? You are not being 'unspecifically weird' you sound like you're at the start of a high and this is the time to go to the GP pronto - OOH if necessary.

kizzie · 02/10/2010 13:07

Hi - did you manage to get some sleep.
You sound incredibly self aware to me - which has got to be a good thing.
Agree its probably time to go to the drs x

Original poster
Sheslosingit · 05/10/2010 23:38

I'm back. I got some sleep and seemed ok for a few days, so I thought it was a false alram, but I'm ffeling wrong again tonight.

It's my own fault really, I know that I shouldn't drink when I feel even slightly odd, but I had a glass of wine, argued with DH (tbf he WAS being a nob)

I really don't want to go back to be ing "ill" though, if that makes sense. I'm better. I'm being signed off. I have one of my final meetings tomorrow with my mental health woman (no idea what her actual title is- she is a nurse but she comes out to see me and is my person that is in charge of me but she is part of a special team, not normal community)

I'm finding it hard enough getting everything sorted out after the last few years, losing the fact that I can say I'm being discharged and not on medication would be horrible, because even a bit of st johns wort (although I'm not even allowed antidepressants by themselves as it cound send me loopy)

OMG. I just had a realisation. Things did get worse when I went on antidepressants the first time and I hadn't connected that with the bipolar thing (because at the time I thought I had PND)

I'm not sure if it is the being discharged. am I just worried, and once I'm "out", if that makes sense, i'll be fine?

Although I'm back working now, and I have been out of work for all the time I have been well. I thought I could cope. I can't saty off work all my life - I get enough stick for only working part time and not pulling my weight economically even though I have "chosen" to have children and then become ill. £50 odd a week in DLA is not enough for me to live off, but I don't need constant care so obvioulsy can't get the higher rate and DH works (a few pence over minimum wage) so no other benefits for us and if I didn't work we wouldn't get the childcare paid for so I would be stuck in the house with the kids and would definietly lose it. my DLA will stop sson anyway as I am off medication and losing my mental health worker support. I would lose her anyway though- she is just for the first three years of a problem and that time is up now. So I'm back under my Gp no matter what.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 05/10/2010 23:43

I don't want to go back on medication. The thing of every morning having to take the pills (and I can't take pills if I am anxious anyway so had horrible melty things) and start every day off as an "ill person" and go to the chemists and doctors svery week for more (and just you try getting advice on a childs chesty cough while you wait for a pile of mental drugs when they know you are only allowed a weeks worth at once) and feeling drowsy, and then that horrible sick shaky feeling when you forget, or run out, or just start flushing them. Having to write them down on forms all over the place.

I'm worried as well as I don't even know what I was on. Or for how long, or when I was in hspital.

Meh. I need to sort myself out, but not sure how I can without triggering it all coming back.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 05/10/2010 23:53

Is there something I can do? There must be. I have no money and there are awful, inhumane cutabcks goign in in the nhs,so it has to be some thing free.

I'm self employed (because of these problems- so I can take an easyy few days if I have to) but we are so skint tht I desperately need to put the hours in at the moment.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 05/10/2010 23:55

bpd in my first post is bipolar, by the way. Apparently. Athgoug, tbh it does fit, but IT's NOT FAIR.

At least if I had a leg off people wouldn't run away if I told them about it,. I have to keep this a secret.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 05/10/2010 23:57

Saying that, it is a bit hard to keep it a secrt whe it is on the notes of everyone you goto. I moved away fromt he town where the police all knew, so I don't want these police to kno, but do they talk to each toher? dO doctors?

Argrghrgrhrgrhrhhhhhhhh!

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:01

can i not just get on my life, i don't want to have an exxciting life anymore, i don't have the secret (i used to think I DId bu t I don't- I used to think I knew more than everyone but I know I don't but i just want to be calm and take kids to school and go to a till job and do it and have a brew and pick kids up go home do tea and bed then come on here and moan about parking or somrthing. not fair.

i used to think it wa smy payback for having an exciting life that something s people would n t understadn the pressure of being so artistic and amazong but i never actually create danything but my grils.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:03

i keep thinking of going to the mental health support groups but what if they are full of utterly mental people an d also i don't want to be a mental eprson, I used to be one, now I'm not, I'm BORinG and NORMAL.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:05

I can hear every litle whirry noise in thies house. maybe that is what is making me feel odd. magnetic waves from electric or soemthing. I keep finding myself looking at the lights in case they are looking at me but then why would they as I'm not exciting and I'm WELL

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:07

am i being a nob? is it just being wond up by arguing that has set me off?

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:08

Is there anywhere I can chat to? I can't talk butI can (justabout) type. ANyone?

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Sazisi · 06/10/2010 00:16

I'm here, but I really have to go to bed soon

You can email Samaritans you know, if you think that might help?

I can relate to the sensory stuff you talk about, whirring noises and lights seeming too strong, I get like that when I have a panic attack.

Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:19

I 've copied pasted to an email to them thanks
I can barely look athe screen and i'm going hot and cold. waht can i do.
I'm making spleeling mistakes too, nt like me. I'm usually good but I can't control the orderof my fingers

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Sazisi · 06/10/2010 00:21

Oh I know what you mean about not wanting to go back on medication, I've been very much feeling that way too but I think it's kind of inevitable for me at some point soon Confused

I'm sorry, I wish I had some kind of worldly wisdom to share, but all I can do is empathise :)

Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:22

thanks, its good to know that Im not takle nonsense

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Sazisi · 06/10/2010 00:26

Could you be having a panic attack?
Try lieing down, breathing slowly and deeply, relaxing a different part of your body with each exhalation; it works for me

Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:29

I don't want to move. /i fjust tried to get a rink thatis lemonade on tyhe table and it is to far. I'm scared

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Sazisi · 06/10/2010 00:30

Oh balls I have to go to bed, work tomorrow..
I hope you can manage to get some sleep :)
Sending you virtual hugs and good vibes xxx

Sazisi · 06/10/2010 00:32

Where's your DH? GEt him to come and help you now, please Shes

Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:36

I can't cos werargued. I need to sleep but can't.

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Original poster
Sheslosingit · 06/10/2010 00:40

thanks for your help. Im gonq go and ;ie donew hjopefu;y go to sleep

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