and struggling. My eating demons are screaming at me and i really want to listen to them, despite what i keep being told. I was genuinely happier smaller, eating less and exercising more. I was happier when all i had to do wrt self harm was hide it and not hide from doing it. I have tried many ADs over the last year or so. They either made me feel much much worse or the side effects were so strong it just wasn't worth carrying on as the physical effects were so bad.
I am not suicidal but the thought of suicide is ever there. I don't think i would do it but i genuinely wish that i could disappear.
I don't need an answer, i just needed to get it out somewhere. I cant do it anywhere in RL and its taken a few days to do it here.