Depressed or needing a divorce or both...?

[hangonasec]

I hope this is the most appropriate forum for this message but will gladly be guided elsewhere if appropriate. Would be so grateful for any advice as I just am so fed up and not quite sure where to go or what to do.... I have in the past posted in relationships forum with lots of advice to separate from my dh, I'm not saying that isn't good advice but I'm just not sure that it isn't depression or not....

I haven't been what I call 'heart happy' for as long as I can remember now. I have days when I'm happy, events can make me feel happy but I just don't feel happy in myself. Last year I had a very stressful job which didn't help but that has changed now. I have three young children and a hard working husband and life just seems one big challenge. I'm very moody and negative and I don't want to be this way. My husband and I rub along ok but I don't really fancy him anymore and quite often I think I'd rather be on my own but the children worship him and he's a good dad, but he'll openly admit not a very good husband, he makes no effort with us, never really has. My children are argumentative and very hard work, dh never disciplines them and I just don't like my life very much! Then I feel bad as I know I have so much to be grateful for.

I have three young boys who really are hard work, I feel very depressed lately at not having had a girl and we won't have anymore now. I am struggling to get over this to be honest as I'd always wanted a daughter, but then feel so guilty for feeling this way as I love my boys to bits.

I feel at a real crossroads.... I don't know if I'm depressed, whether I'm just bogged down PMT (definitely gets worse around the time of the month) or whether it's because I just want to break free and be in control of my life. I'm so fed up of being miserable!! Do I go to the GP, can you get counselling on the NHS? I don't really want to be given antidepressants as I know so little about them....

Thank you for reading, any advice so gratefully received xx

Hello hangonasec sorry you are having a tricky time.

FWIW I think it's really impressive that you've been able to pick apart the different things going on and not pin it all on one thing / person.

I'm not an expert on any of this but I would definitely suggest going to your GP. You can get counselling on the NHS and you don't have to be depressed to get it. It sounds like you might really benefit from talking things through with a professional who can help you work out what's going on and what you want to do.

And, even if you do have depression, antidepressants are not the only way of treating it so don't feel that that is the only thing on offer for you. Talking therapies, exercise and diet can also really help. I'm sure there are tons of other things out there too that wiser MNers than me will be able to tell you about.

Just keep in mind that you do deserve to be happy and it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate at the moment so getting some help is a really sensible idea.

I know it's easier said than done but you sound very insightful and self-aware so I'm sure you'll be able to work out what to do with a bit of support.

I really hope things get clearer and happier for you soon xx

Hi Hangonasec

You sound like you have a lot on your mind at the moment. I think you do need to chat to someone about how you feel. Your GP would probably be a good start.

When I saw my GP over a year ago I actually didn't realise how miserable I felt until I started talking to her and she asked a few direct questions. Like you I have three DCs (although all girls) and a DH who is a good father but not always a good husband. I'm always wondering whether we would be happier apart, but am very torn as my DDs would definitely miss him. Anyway I burst into tears and although I felt awful at the time, now feel better for sharing my feelings with someone.

I have been seeing the same GP quite regularly for a while now and during October last year started a course of ADs. I was also referred for counselling. Although my DH and me still have problems, things don't seem quite so big or as frightening as they were. I also suffer from bad PMT and have found that the ADs help with this too.

Hope you can get some support soon x

Thank you so much for your replies, really appreciated. Orangeflutie we sound like you we where I'm at so I'm pleased for you to hear that you have moved forward. Have you started counselling?

I definitely think I need some, I just don't recognise myself some days in the way that I think and I feel I need to talk things over. I'm a kind of head down and get on with it type of person but I'm realising that that is not the way forward anymore!

I have made an appt with my GP so hopefully things will progress, though I can't get in until a week Thurs. I have a confidential counselling helpline I can access through work so I may give them a try, I have also done parenting courses through Parentline Plus and apparently they have a brilliant phone support, the difficulty is doing it without dh hearing!

Thanks again for your advice, really appreciated. I feel bad not helping others by replying to their threads but I feel I wouldn't have any decent advice to give at the moment.... x

Lol! Just re-read my posting, my dc kept interrupting me! Was meant to say 'Orangeflutie it sounds like we're now at where you were at'! x Hope that now makes sense! x

Hangonasec it's ok I worked out what you meant. Mine usually bother me when I'm on the computer too:)

I have had counselling, some over the phone which wasn't ideal really as I didn't feel I could talk freely as DH was often at home when they phoned. It felt a bit strange and I said so, so it was arranged that I could have a meeting face to face. This was much better. I only had the one session though, I think if you want more you either have to be really ill or pay for private sessions.

I also attended a group course about managing anxiety and found part of it useful. I think it's all worth trying but still find my GP the most helpful and supportive.

I've always been someone who just gets on with things too, but last year I could no longer cope with the enormous pressures I felt were being put on me. My DH could no longer do his job due to ill health, my youngest dd was having tests on her kidneys due to repeated urine infections and we were then told that we would have to move house as our landlord wanted to sell. I think I had been low for a while but everything was suddenly too much and I just couldn't function.

Fortunately once I'd started ADs, I became able to function once more, even though things were bad. It did however take a little while to find the right ones.

Sorry I've gone on so long. I guess I just want to say that I hope things improve for you too soon. I have realised as a result of becoming ill, that I have to look after myself more than I used to as no-one else will. I still have days when I do too much simply because I'm a mum of three and struggle to find the right balance. I hope I'm a better mum to my dds since getting help.

I also find it helps me to take things one day at a time and not look too far ahead.

Good luck with everything x

Thanks orangeflutie, really sound advice. I think you are so right about looking after ourselves more, not a concept I'm very good at but I am starting to realise the importance. I got myself a less stressful job which I started just under a month ago and I know I am being a better parent, not all the time but definitely less shouty and harassed!

Also good advice about taking one day at a time, I make things worse for myself by trying to cope with and think about way too much.

I'm glad things are looking up for you. I'm just still on these massive fluctuating moods and so sick of it. Roll on my docs appt next week...!

Thanks again, take care :) x

Just to update... Have been to the GP today and he was absolutely wonderful. Talked through loads of things, he has prescribed betablockers for the physical effects of the anxiety I'm experiencing, didn't feel that ad's were necessarily the answer as they wouldn't change the main problem - main problem being my husband!! We have decided to separate, he reckons he's moving out once he can find money for a deposit to rent somewhere. I feel relieved on the one hand, but no further forward on the other as he's still here. Feel strangely emotionless about the whole thing, but I'm sure it will hit at some point..... I do feel devastated for my kids and I know that feeling will only worsen once he's gone, on the other hand just want to forward wind a few months and be happy and moved on with my life! x