So, I am apparently bipolar....

[Sheslosingit]

FINALLY got a MHP to give me a tentative diagnosis today (I kind of tricked her)

Bipolar Disorder with phychotic elements.

She is dischrging me now though, so not sure what use that is. We spent 3 hours talking about how I can recognise when I am having trouble and what to do. I'm pretty confident I can deal with the downs- I tend to just go to bed and cry a bit or do really minor self harm. It is the ups that I am terrfied of. They come on so suddenly and I don't always know what is going on. We agreed that I should go to my GP as an emergency if I get any hints of feeling like that, but what will a GP do if I turn up saying I feel more energetic and motivated then usual?

If I leave it until I am obviously unwell, then it will be too late- I get sucked in, then come out the other side, battered, bruised, having offended everyone, had the police out, owing loads of money and drugged up to my eyeballs in hospital.

I'm well, I don't need intensive support any more. Hopefully I never will. But...what if? What if I get a bit depressed and a GP puts me on antidpressants without the other drugs that stop me losing it entirely? What if I get a success in my life, and being so pleased/excited about that sets me off? How do I know, if I ever buy a house or start a new job, that it is a good idea and not a manic scheme?

I'm just having a bit of a wobble I think. I'm worried that the services won't be there if I do need them in the future, or that if they are, they will just come out, dope me up and leave me to get on with it.

I'm worried that a history of psychosis will cause me problems in the future with jobs or with the medical profession.

I'm worried that I will get myself sectioned without proper support to get me out.

The woman today said she isn't actually sure whether or not I have ever been sectioned. I had told her not, but when she got talking she realised that I don't actually remember a lot of things, but the bits that i do (being under police escort in A+E for eg) could indicate a kind of short term section- apparently I would have been told this at the time, but I don't remember anything really, so I could easily have forgotten. So now I'm racking my brains- somehow it is really important to me that I was only ever treated with my full consent- it seems less bad. I do have a clear memory of refusing to get in a police car though :(

I don't know what I am talking about really, just ranting under a name change.

Oh and, all the things that help people with depression are massive risks for a manic episode- eg if I start exercising I don't know when to stop so I end up injuring myself, if I go for a stroll I walk all night and fall asleep in a bush.

How do I keep myself on an even keel?

are you on any medication?

I've never been formally diagnosed but my therapist suggested bipolar tendencies. I don't have quite the extreme highs that you describe but I certainly relate to what you are saying.

However, I'm on citalopram and feeling fairly even.

You poor thing. I can't understand how they have left you to cope with no ongoing support. That's ridiculous.

Did they give you a CPN or crisis team number to call if you feel worried? I think that's the usual thing, then if you start having the feelings you're afraid of or recognise as 'Oh no, here we go' you at least can call someone who will come out to you.

I think it might be wise to go back to the place where you saw this woman and ask for someone who is allocated to deal with you at any given time, day or night. There is always a crisis team on duty afaik.

If no luck, go to your GP and tell them how you feel, and say you want to avoid a repeat of what happened before, and need some support that is ongoing.

good luck. Let us know how you get on.

I have had ongoing intensive support for three years- I have been well now for over a year. She can't refer me to the "step down" service as I'm not on any medication or having any symptoms. Hopefully I won't have any relapses now.

I have a crisis team, but apparently I will be off their books too soon. Again, I haven't needed them for ages and I can't stay with them forever, it is just worrying.

I was on sertraline, risperidone (and then another one that I have forgotten) and a tranquilliser, but I'm on nothing now. Which is great, considering that I was told I would never be off them.

Our usual half hour chat yesterday lasted for three hours :o I didn't even give the poor woman a brew, I was so distracted.

I didn't mean to grin there - was meant to be a shocked face.

It's Ok, the shocked face on other forums translates into a grin on this one!

I'm relieved that you feel it's probably unlikely you will need some assistance in future, sorry, I didn't quite realise thatw as where you are at now.

If it is more of a feeling of 'Oh shit, I'm on my own now' I think that's very, very normal to feel that way. It can be the same with cancer patients who are discharged after 5 years or whatever.

Just basically the fear.

I'm not sure what to suggest but I would say take it a day at a time. Wishing you all the best...you've already come further than they thought you would, so in a sense that's really quite wonderful in terms of the hope you are allowed to have for a straightforward future.