terrified of messing up and recreating the problems of my own childhood

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Where can I start? I've been the primary carer of my DC for large periods of its life. (not being weird, but I am terrified of being discovered by giving away its gender.)

I did big chunks of caring, right up to nursery, and deeply bonded with DC. Not saying it was always easy, but at the deepest level, it was the most rewarding thing I had ever done. Once DC started school, I did lots of the settling in and basically, remained the one that was more connected to the psychic landscape of DC, if that makes any sense.

So far so good. But recently, I've been getting really scared. I suddenly feel very impatient. I feel that I raise my voice quickly and talk over DC. I feel disappointed in DC for no obvious reason. I even feel that I am sometimes rejecting DC.

From this age in my own childhood, I felt unloved, persisently rejected and worthless. One parent was wholly absent (psychologically, as well as not communicating with me whatever except, rarely, in terrifying anger.) The other parent was very busy dealing with the fallout, and had a new baby to deal with. So began years of darkness. I was punished, endlessly it seems, by a standard I have never, ever witnessed since. It's not that we had much materially or experientially to start with, but what I had was broken or withdrawn.

I was put-down, humiliated, and diminished as a person. 'Stop looking at me with those cow-like eyes,'- small stuff like that, as well as chastisements that went on for hours.

Everything I did was criticised. I was made to write lines, endlessly, in isolation, forom the age of six. Not just a few, hundreds. And after that, I was still in a state of punishment for days, food restriction, water, early bed, psychological isolation and physical separation from parents or siblings.

I haven't explained it very well. But I am afraid that the small changes in my behaviour towards DC are because I hated myself at that age and I hate the image of DC reminding me of myself. I'm no narcissist, but does that make sense? Hwo do I stop recreating what I hated so much. I have no positive memories, whatever, of my middle childhood until late adhulthood.

need I add that I feel so low that I can barely move my jaw, if anyone recognises that feeling. My attention is on DC but also reflected back on me by these vile memories and physical experiences.

I may be able to offer a bit of reassurance. Your experience is very very similar to that of my dh. He was terrified of being a bad dad or no dad at all. Of bweing abusive or whatever. He is a brilliant dad, has bonded with ds and got over his fear of being a bad father.

You are an adult and you can make your own choices. Abuse (because that is what you suffered) does not create abusers - it creates hurting people desperate to avoid hurting their children.

I would recommend that you deal with your experiences in counselling though. For your own sake as you are expending huge amounts of energy trying to keep the show on the road. You deserve to feel better...

hello madmouse, that is very helpful. I think I had these terrors in the early stages, and I should ahve gained strength from getting here without messing up. but the next stage feels like a mountain. I am over involved, or try to detach and then overcompensate to catch up again.

I is very hard knowing how to deal with this and I am close to giving up and handing oveer the whole thing to somebody who knows what they are doing.

The problem is that no one knows your dc like you do and you are honestly the right person for the job.

Have you ever had any counselling? it can really help. It helped me massively as I was pretty messed up due to child sexual abuse - I've gained self esteem (in its early stages!! I'm still healing)and have stopped trying so hard to control everything. And good enough is good enough now.

madmouse, you are very perceptive. yeah I did have counselling and meds but it ripped lots of things open and I got into deep water and ran away.

I hate it when I make a mistake that hurts DC emotionally, even when it is a slight thing that is over quickly. I want DC to thrive in the world. And he has, you know, so why would I want that to stop?

madmouse, I meant to say that I am sorry to hear about what happened to you as a child. That is awful. I hope you are really, really okay now.

You sound so lovely. You care very much about your DC and your situation. you are confronting it not denying it or perpetuating it. So no way are you like the parents who marred you childhood. your entire outlook and approach is a different as could be.

Can i suggest something that mioght sound silly but might have a good ripple effect? Set up a small, easy to do routine which is fun for both of you, that you genuinely look forward to once a week. Like going to a cafe for a cake after school on a certain day of the week. or going swimming. make sure that during that trip you work really really hard to be warm and positive and have fun together. having that regular happy bond will establish a healthy pattern and it might spread from there.

I had trouble at one stage bonding with one of my kids, so took them out on fun days, just them and me. It worked brilliantly. I can hardly remember that feeling of anxiety that we'd never feel at ease together. I'm sure those days were what turned it round. They were fun and we had a happy experience in common - just DC and me. They made me realise how well we could and did get on. And they give you space outside routine, home, stress, to say lovely things to your DC.

I'm ok honest - I'm lots better and have the most amazing support network

Like my dh you seem to have very high standards and expectations of yourself as a parent - like you cannot afford yourself the slightest slip because you have received such bad parenting yourself. But it's exhausting because you worry non stop.

I would recommend going back to counselling - discuss with your counsellor that things were ripped open last time and frightened you and work out how you can keep things (reasonably) safe and manageable. Certainly my counsellor always said 'You have done your suffering, you don't have to suffer in counselling as well!'.

To be fair there have been times when I had to stop and phone a friend on the way home from counselling as I was in that much pain but those were also the weeks of enormous progress and they never lasted long.

Realitychick put her finger on it - you are confronting and not perpetuating the abuse - that is the key - that is why you will be fine as a parent - really good in fact!

Realitychick, thank you for your supportive post. It really helps and has cheered me up a bit. I like what you are suggesting there and I'm going to try that out.

I don't want DC to see me wavering or suddenly becoming someone that he doesn't recognise, and this could be a way to keep our relationship positive whatever else happens.

I don't think counselling is an option right now. I did have a long session of CBT with a focus on some other problems, and saw a psych for a couple of years, but I ended up being paralysed and consumed by the process, paranoid that people could see through me and find out that I was damaged. I had some bad reactions to meds, too, and some terrifying things happened in my daily life that made me think I was going completely mad. As a reaction, I kept telling myself I had finished, was completely normal and didn't need any more help.