Longterm SAHM self esteem and self worth issues - long post alert!

[prettyparrott]

Please be understanding; I have name changed for this post as I feel very vulnerable emotionally at the moment and need to 'hide' behind a different name.

Circumstances have partly dictated that I have been a SAHM for a very long time which has been both an incredible privilege as a parent, but progressively unhelpful for my self confidence and self worth. I dread being asked "what do you do" "where do you work"? I feel ashamed, shallow and lazy because I have older children but I don't work.

DH has always been self employed on a contract basis and is paid by the day. When the DCs were young he worked very long hours (often 7am to midnight)and was periodically away on business. We have no family who could help with childcare and I was happy to be a SAHM. DH wanted this too as he could NEVER help with childcare unless he took a whole day off work as his employers were not flexible with his hours. As he does not get any holiday pay it has never made financial sense for me to work and for us to share child care (during school holidays for example), as he earns a lot more than I could. He would have supported me had I wanted to work but I was happy to be responsible for all the child care and we managed on his salary alone.

As the children got older I wondered how I could go back to work when there was no one to look after them in school holidays. I also found myself having to regularly care for my very disabled (and increasingly fragile) Mum and, I am grateful that as I was not working, I was able to be there for her.

Then a few years ago some serious health issues of my own got in my way of returning to work. I underwent a series of operations, spent many months in and out of hospital and outpatients or in bed at home. My last operation was only a few months ago and, relatively speaking, I am thankfully now much better physically. My mental health, however, is not great. Over the past few years in particular my self confidence has plummeted and I increasingly avoid social situations, not least of all because I don't work and feel I have nothing much to say. I am shy and self conscious and totally lack self confidence.

Now I find myself wondering where the years have gone. My youngest DC is now 12, nearly 13 and old enough to travel to and from school by himself and leave at home on his own during school holidays if I am working. So over the last few months I have applied for several p/t Band 2 and Band 3 clerical jobs within the NHS, in the hope that working in a worthwhile environment will improve my self esteem.

I am lucky enough to live within commuting distance of 3 NHS hospitals, two of which are within the 'outer' High Cost Area Supplement London weighting region and the third is in the 'fringe' High Cost Area Supplement area. I have been offered interviews for 3 of the 8 posts I have applied for, but all 3 have been at the hospital in the 'fringe' HCAS region so the starting pay is just under £2,500 pa less than the same job at the other two hospitals. The first 2 interviews I had were for Band 3 posts; I was shortlisted to the final three candidates for both jobs but didn't get them. The third interview was a Band 2 post and I have been offered the job.

That is good news you would think, but I am really really struggling with the very low pay. Being a Band 2 job in the 'fringe' HCAS area, it is the very lowest paid of all the jobs I have applied for: the starting pay for a Band 2 job in 'fringe' HCAS area is £4,438 pa LESS than starting pay for Band 3 jobs in 'outer' HCAS area. There were over 70 applicants for the post so I am very grateful to be offered the job - but the low pay is screaming 'low worth' at me and is inevitably fueling my feelings of low self esteem. I have tried to negotiate to start further up the pay scale but my manager phoned yesterday and confirmed I would have to start at the bottom of the scale. No surprise of course, it's what I expected, but since she rang I've been unexpectedly distraught and spent the rest of yesterday sobbing. The pay issue is not so much about the take home money but about my pride I suppose and totally tapping into my overwhelming sense of a lack of value. 16 years ago I used to earn nearly double the annual salary that this job offers and I can't believe that I am now worth so little in the job market. I know, I know! It's fruitless to reflect back over lost careers ...

I have promised to confirm today whether, now that the salary has been confirmed. I still want the job but when I think about the low salary all I can do is cry as it just underlines my lack of 'success' or worth in the world's eyes. I know I have to take the job, focus on that, and not think about the money but I am struggling to cope with the feelings of failure and insignificance that are rampaging in my head and messing with my already fragile emotions and mental health.

Sorry this is so long and thank you for reading.

I don't know what to say but congratulations on getting a job. Any job is a job worth having in this current economic environment.

I think you need to stop seeing everything so black and white :). I know it's easier said than done.

Do you know that it is FAR easier to find another job once you are in one? Could you not think about the salary but see this as a stepping stone to greater things and better jobs?

The fact that you had the confidence to go to the interview, beat off 70 other candidates (bloody hell!) and get yourself ready to go back to work speaks a lot louder to me than all the negative stuff and perhaps you need to reflect on how well you have done!

btw, I think how you feel is v common.

I completely understand and sympathise / empathise with everything you have said, but I think you have to be realistic. You have been out of the workplace for a long time and the jobs market is shockingly bad and getting worse. You are very definitely very lucky to have been offered a job. The NHS is going to be savaged very shortly. These jobs won't necessarily be there in a year's time.

You've done really well to get this job.
Appreciate the chance you've got, see this is as a building block and go for it. Get your confidence back. You can increase your salary/status as time goes on. But you have this chance, so take it.

Hello prettyparrott, I don't think we know each other, but I'm really sorry you're feeling so bad.

I can't post much now, but I wanted to say congratulations for taking the positive step of applying for those jobs. I know it's only a start, and not a very satisfactory one at that, but who knows where you'll be in a few years time. (My sister went from being bank staff to a band 4 within six months this year.) See for the moment whether you can be pragmatic and separate the new job from all your feelings of sadness about what has or hasn't been. You sound like a wonderful woman, and I hope you can get some support to work through the issues that are causing you a struggle.

I understand what you are saying, but you do realise that your worth as a person, doesn't consist solely in what you are paid, don't you?

Bringing up children, caring for frail parents, and no doubt running the home pretty much single-handedly? You HAVE been working all these years! Probably a lot harder than many people with jobs do.

The pay issue is not reflective of the value of the person AT ALL.

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. I really appreciate so many swift responses

Yes GetDownYouWillFall, intellectually I do know that the pay issue is not reflective of anyone's 'value' as a person or in society but my emotions don't seem to be listening to my head. Thank you though, it is good to hear someone else say it and, yes, I have been 'working' as a Mum and daughter and wife but most women do that AND work too

fanofpeamum, I sincerely hope you don't know me in RL (although I am sure you are wonderful too!). That's really encouraging about your sister thank you.

Faaamily, yes I am lucky and I am grateful and, as I said, I am (gulp) going to take the job; I'd be foolish not to. You're right I do need to be realistic. Even being offered an interview for this and the earlier two Band 3 jobs has been a huge encouragement to me.

foxinsocks your post really made me smile, thank you for encouraging me. I was terrified at that first interview; I was a gibbering wreck ... well maybe a coherent gibbering wreck because I did get invited back for a second interview. Any job is worth having, you're right, and it will get me back into the workplace. I need to ( have to) set aside my disappointment over the pay and concentrate on the positives

Sorry, I didn't mean in RL, though I'm sure that would be very nice :) It's just that I mostly lurk so I felt a bit presumptuous... Glad you got some supportive responses.

Hi PP

I hope it isn't unhelpful of me to say that however bleak things feel it looks to me like you are climbing out of the rut you foudn yourself in, rather than sinking deeper into it. It's natural to burst into tears when life changes, even if for the btter, and natural to think 'this is rubbish' about some new direction, even if it isn't. You are not worth less than you were. You're just starting at a lower salary. Think of the thousands and thousands of men and women now redundant who used to earning good livings. My DH was at the pub with some other dads recently. We live in a well-off area - and he suddenly realised that of the ten men around the table, only one had a real job. The others had been made redundant - all nine of them, and were unemployed or freelancing for stupid money, or setting up their own businesses. many were working unpaid, and had been for months. That's the climate. No reflection on anyone's worth.

You sound like you've been through so much - the long hours with your DP away, your mother's illness, your own ill health, and just mothering takes its toll. Be proud of what you've achieved. Your youngest is now 12 and you're already back in the job market. Your starting position and salary doesn't need to be your end one. Enjoy being out there. Invest some of that money on you - on clothes or evening classes - whatever - be a bit indulgent and let yourself feel happy again after the long, tough times.

Ooh sorry fanofpeamum crossed wires Not at all presumptuous of you to respond; I am very grateful for your comments.

realitychick I love your name Thank you so much for your very touching post (sniff). You are right about the job market - even if I could step back into my (very) old job I doubt that I could earn the same money that I used to because the economic landscape has altered unrecognisably. In fact DH is also earning far less than he did a few years ago because he and his colleagues have had to take two rate cuts over the past couple of years. In addition, changes year by year to the tax rules for self employed contractors has greatly impacted his net income. That's a sobering story ()that your DH recounted after his trip to the pub. It's very tough out there for so many families

Thank you again for being so kind.

Well done for applying and getting the job - this is good going. See how you like it. If the money isn't an issue look at what opportunities being in work will bring. Good luck.

You've been through so much
how did you cope with dh working long hours when you were ill in hospital with the childcare?
Congrats on the job, when does it start?

bluecardi, thank you for responding Yes it's true; it is not just about money or future job opportunities it's about the opportunity to change me

bigchris, thank you. It was about 2.5 years ago now when I was first in hospital and youngest DC was just 10. Bless him, he had to grow up quickly and start organising himself in the mornings for school and then walk there and back by himself which (fortunately) was quite a safe route. DH or I used to phone the school to check he had arrived. DH was always at home overnight and my older DC helped to look after DS2. It was very hard on everyone especially DH who had to run the house, cook, wash etc. The first time he went to Sainsburys I he was gone for hours ! That was the first and last time. Hooray for online delivery . One of my friends also had the DC to stay a couple of times and other friends kindly cooked meals for us and dropped them off. It was a combined effort and we were blessed with lots of help