struggling, really struggling

[Greensleeves]

me again with yet another self-pity thread

I am useless at the moment, I am letting dh do school run every day and doing the bare minimum at work and spending every spare minute hunched over the PC reading MN

the house is a shithole - too messy for me to approach - and I am putting on weight because I am miserable, so my clothes are uncomfortable which makes work and housework even more difficult

I am on the highest doses my GP is prepared to prescribe of amytripyline and citalopram, but am STILL depressed and anxious - have been broadly OK for a while, but my stepfather died last week (estranged, complicated) and it seems to have triggered a downturn for me

I can't sleep properly, can't settle my mind to anything, don't even want to play my guitar or listen to music or read or work on the book I am making for the DC, everything is dull and shitty

I won't go in my garden because it has been "let go" and is a jungle, messy, weedy, bald patches everywhere

life is just a cycle of shit days eliding into shit evenings, I am letting the kids down, and I can't sleep because I don't want the next day to come

the only thing I can cope with doing is MNing because I am a social cripple at the best of times, and these ain't the best of times

haven't felt this shit for ages

Aw greeny, we're here for you

aaarrrgh, phone just rang, ds1 has had a major meltdown at school and I have to go and pick him up now and speak to his teacher

am so sick of this shit

great

one year into Y3 and he has earned his first detention and a formal letter home

fab timing

Hi there greensleeves just read your OP and could not walk away without posting.

You sound like you are going through such a tough time.

I'm sorry to say it, but those ADs you are on don't seem to be doing the trick. Loss of interest in things you would normally enjoy, not sleeping, feeling everything is "dull and shitty" , weight changes, unable to concentrate. You know yourself, that these are classic symptoms of depression.

How long have you been on the citalopram and amytriptyline? Sounds like you need something to "boost" them. My psychiatrist used what they call "adjunct" therapies of mood stabilisers to boost my AD when it wasn't working. ARe you under a psychiatrist, or is it just the GP you see?

Sorry to hear that your DS is in trouble at school What happened? What did the teacher say?

Also I am very sorry to hear about your stepfather. It seems this was your trigger... are you on a waiting list for any kind of therapy??

Greensleeves don't put yourself down by calling this 'self-pitying'

Things sound really tough and just because you were estranged from your step dad doesn't mean his death doesn't mean you don't have a tough time after!!

I know what you mean that the house and garden are such a mess that you can't tackle it and so you tackle nothing.

But do me a favour - pick up that guitar tonight, just for half an hour - let it sooth you. I find when I'm having bad days/weeks that I neglect my guitar but that if I do pick it up it makes me feel so much better. So just do it, tune it, and just play...

thanks

I do feel like I am constantly whinging on MN at the moment, I just don't have anyone else to talk to right now

one day I really will have to look at WHY I push friends away and behave like such a fucking tit IRL, I create this situation in which nobody can get near me when I need them most

I feel like a charity case having friends at all when I am such a miserable, boring plank

ds1 - he kicked off in the playground because he wanted to use the KS1 equipment (he is newly in KS2) and he ended up losing his temper, kicking over all the boundary cones and using the F word to a dinner lady

which is unlike him - he has AS and he also has my temper, but he has never been really abusive or horrible at school

he is probably acting up because I am a miserable git

well ds1 is very contrite and says he is going to stay calm tomorrow and apologise to the dinner lasy he swore at

please God that will be the end of it for now

dh is creeping around me because he knows I am messed up

very helpful

I know that dh creeping round you business. When I'm doing bad I can get very irritable struggling with suppressed anger too and he jut goes quiet and looks like a beaten up puppy making me feel awful!

yes, sort of stooped and hypervigilant

I'm being unfair really, he is doing his best, but it makes me feel like a vicious wild animal, which I am really not. I am just sad.

I know exactly what you mean - and it makes me feel an evil witch...

god I hope he doesn't read this, he would be really hurt

it's not his fault really

I am just wandering round in a fug of misery at the moment and I don't like anyone

Greensleeves, I don't know you, only on MN, but you helped my last year (I have namechanged since then) and you came across as being so lovely and caring, not boring or whatever else you have described yourself.

I second the idea to pick up the guitar. I played my piano for the first time in one year, just the other day, and it was soothing, and a pick-me-up moment, in a torrent of stress. It was lovely! Hard to get the motivation to sit and play, but really worth it.

So sorry you are finding things so tough, I can relate to it, but I find that just getting outside helps, and to have the knowledge that things will get better, in time.

"one day I really will have to look at WHY I push friends away and behave like such a fucking tit IRL, I create this situation in which nobody can get near me when I need them most"

That also decribes me. I just need to get away from people and hide. I am scared to show anyone the real me. I know why really. I don't like the real me. So I fear that no-one else will either.

I did a lot of "self pity" stuff on MN last year. But it was actual need, reaching out for help and some tlc. It was very helpful when talking in rl is so hard.

I think that's it midnight, I don't much like the "me" inside either

she is dreadful company

also my house/garden get let go when I am down - I do try, but I just freeze up inside when I see the scale of the task. And I know friends always SAY it doesn't matter, but I don't think they have any idea of just how disgusting things are

also I have coldsores and greasy hair and shitty clothes

so I hide when someone knocks on the door

have tidied up a bit and cooked a nice dinner tonight, the boys seem happy

I am not, but at least I am keeping up a better front than I was yesterday.

Greeny I just want to give you a really genuine hug

I know how you are feeling, in so far as it sounds familiar though circs might be different. I'm really sorry you are going through this.

Is there anyone else who knew your stepdad that it might help you to talk to about him?

Or would that make it all worse?

thanks flighty, all hugs gratefully received

I don't have anyone else apart from dh and my dad who knew my stepfather, and they both loathed him (so did I, he was loathsome)

I still haven't really figured out what it is making me so depressed - it's not that I miss him. I can't put my finger on it

had a friend round for coffee this morning and she was very sympathetic and didn't show horror at the state of the place. That was nice.

whinging again I'm afraid, it's helful to have somewhere other dh's ears to offload

does anyone else ever feel like there is nothing to look forward to? Like everything is just utterly dull, colourless and hard work? I never used to be like this, even when I was miserable

I haven't laughed properly in ages

I know exactly how you feel, I am feeling it to. Sorry you are having such a rubbish time, I am glad people have been so kind on here, I hope it helps.

sorry you are going through the mill too sparkle

I feel angry and tense as well as miserable today

eventually people will get bored of it and and start avoiding me

Hi Greeny

I think it will get better in time, your stepdad dying has brought all that awful tangle of emotions to the front.

You do sound classically depressed.

I push people away too, for me I think that they will find out how utterly fucking useless I am, so I don't let them get close enough to find out. Tis normal if you have very low self esteem.

If I were you I would seriously look into counselling, as the depression, low self esteem and anxiety are all linked. They are what happens if you grow up not recieving validation from your parents / family - if you are brought up with the message you are worthless / a troublemaker / need to be taken down a peg or two or otherwise abused and / or mistreated.

You deserve to feel good about yourself and your life, you shouldn't have to carry around all these negative feelings.