depressed dh.what can i do?

[cheesesarnie]

dh has mild depression.what can i do to help?hes not been prescribed ad's but got offered counselling which he turned down saying it wouldnt help.hes got no motivation and sleeps all the time.hes not working at the moment which isnt helping.i work evenings and worry the whole time about him and the dc.apparently alot of the time he goes to bed as soon as i go to work(5pm)and the children dont get fed till late and are put to bed at random times.dd says theres lots of shouting,shes put ds2 to bed a few times.shes only 10.the youngest has just started school so all 3 have reading and homework.ds1 is dyslexic and has behavioual issues which means he needs extra help and alot of attention with his homework.i feel bad for working.
i know about depression,ive had it,my dad has it.but i dont know how to help dhi can tell him what helped me and what helps my dad,i can tell him what my dads nurses say but i cant 'make' him follow my advise or motivate him into changing how his daily life to help himself

It doesn't sound mild to me if it's affecting his ability to a) work and b) give the children the level of care they need and deserve after school
if you know about depression I'm surprised you haven't insisted his gp prescribe him ads tbh

he only went on wednesday.maybe i should get him to go back but go with him.maybe he didnt tell gp about how its affecting the dc.
the not working was well before this,he got laid off at the beginning of the year,but i think the not working is not helping.

yes I think it would be good to go back to the gp it must be hard for you working evenings and worrying about him

I agree his level of coping suggests medium to severe rather than mild depression. I suspect he has played things down with the doctor true man style. See if he will let you go with him so you can discuss honestly how bad things are.

It's fine for him to turn down counselling but then he has to realise he still needs to be there for the kids - he can't have it both ways. As the wife of a long term depressive (who is finally after more than 10 years taking a low dose of ads and a hefty dose of counselling!!)I know too well that depression makes you self centred (dh admits as much)

I can imagine evenings and bedtimes with 3 kids are very hard work for him right now (I am healing from ptsd and I still find early evenings and ds's bedtime hard sometimes) but it has to be done if you are working.

I think you need to put it on the line - we need to take care of the kids properly how can we achieve that together. And don't lt him get away with it.

thanks madmouse.what made your dh finally take the help?
im thinking of giving up one day a week(a school night) so i can be there a bit more.ive told him it cant carry on as it is with the children but theres just excuses.

What made dh finally take help is that when the last breakdown hit it was a hard one and

a) He's a dad now, had no dad himself only an evil stepdad and was determined to be there for ds (and has been, even when very low he is still a fabulous dad and ds adores him)

b) I was very ill with PTSD, hanging on by a thin thread at times and totally dependent on friends to support me and stop me killing myself because he couldn't help me at all. After a time when in the space of a week a good friend had to come to our house at 5am because I wasn't coping and the same friend had to pick me up from the middle of nowhere because I had walked away ('for dh/ds sake, better of without me yadayada')and talk sense into me dh realised we could not go on like this.

c) having followed his dream and calling to become a priest and being in his first job in that role made him realise he had to do work in order to be well enough to do the job

madmouse-glad he took the help.what about you now?sounds tough to say the least.

I'm getting there - ptsd was caused by childhood issues and triggered by labour so was complicated and painful. I hope I have finally reached the final stage in the healing process which sucks but hopefully the end is in sight.

I'm blessed with a good counsellor and a fantastic support network.