TTC but can't cope. What would you do?

[Rockbird]

Today I finally admitted to myself that I can't cope. To give the background I have one DD (2.8) and am ttc. There is a lot going on, severely skint, my mother is being referred for possible breast cancer, am very overweight and today, looking at recent photos realised just how big I am :( But that doesn't really make a difference to how I feel, it just exacerbates it IYSWIM

I had PND (although with hindsight I needed help years before that) and was on Citalopram which was the best thing I ever did. My GP said she would be happy for me to stay on them indefinitely if I wasn't ttc and so I came off them earlier this year. In addition to just feeling shit most of the time, what really worries me most is that I operate on a very very short fuse and the slightest thing sends me over the edge. Usually the thing that sends me over is DD who is a normal, gorgeous toddler but who I sometimes can't bear to be near. Today, as with every other day I have shouted and screamed at her and smacked her (never hard, only a tap, which is still unnacceptable I know :(). All she's done is be a toddler and I worry so much that I'm scarring her for life. Every time DH goes off to work I worry about whether I can get through the day without kicking off.

I know in the midst of all this I shouldn't be ttc but we really do want another and, at nearly 39 time is not on my side. Today I decided to go back to the GP and tell her all this but what is she likely to do? I can't carry on treating DD like this :( I feel like I should just walk out and not come back, I'm no kind of mother to dd like this.

Have you ever had any other help bar citalopram? Just wondering really.

You could consider asking your GP for an anti-depressant that is considered safe in pregnancy and start on a low dose of that?

Or sticking it out a bit longer in the hope that once pregnant you will feel better. But then make sure you get some support and some you time so you have enough rest to cope.

Hi rockbird I remember you from other threads because our DDs are the same age, and I believe we both struggled with breast feeding.

I'm in a similar position to you - wanting to TTC our second.

However I am on ADs, following very severe PND. I was also on lithium and anti-psychotics. I came off those finally in May after weaning myself off my tiny amounts for about a year.

I now desperately want to get off the mirtazapine so we can start TTC. I am on the lowest dose, but it keeps me sane and keeps me sleeping.

I stopped it last week after weaning off for about 4 months. However, I stopped sleeping and was a total mess I reluctantly have had to go back on them and am now sleeping again and feel more rational and normal.

Now wondering how I'm ever going to have another baby if I can't get off this drug? However, looking at the research it does seem that the risks of taking certain ADs through pregnancy are less than the risks of not taking anything but being desperately depressed.

So I don't think it's impossible to carry on taking them and getting pregnant? There seem to be many cases of women who have carried on taking their AD during pregnancy and their babies have been fine. Also bear in mind that abnormalities occur spontaneously as well, even when the mother hasn't taken anything. So any instances of abnormalities may not be down to the drug anyway.

Sounds from what you describe that you find it quite hard to function without the citalopram and it may benefit you to go back on them.

I have been referred to the peri-natal psychiatrist who is looking into the possibility of me carrying on with my AD during pregnancy... maybe you could ask your GP for a referral too?

second GDYWF's sugestion of a peri-natal psych.

I've got bi polar disorder, and it wasnt diagnosed until 2007. I'd been on AD's for 8years prior to that and no one gave a fudge.

When I had DD1 in 2004 I had awful PND.
When I had DS1 in 2006 my PND hadn't really disapeared, so add that to the fact i already had undiagnosed BPD i was a total mess. I ended up in a mother and baby unit with DS under the care of the most amazing staff ever(thankyou brockington unit, stafford!) 8months after Lou was born i had a mega breakdown and ended up on a psych ward under section. This is when they told me i had BPD as well as PND.
They put me on a mix of AD's, antipyscotics and mood stabalisers.
In jan 2008 i fell pregnant by accident with DD3. Had to come off these meds but soon as i fell pregnant the dr's refered me to the Brockington unit again, and the peri-natal team. Just incase. They adjusted my meds to safe ones, and i knew they would be available if i got PND again, and didnt have to wait six months for a referal.
As it happens i did and was very ill but having them there was a god send.

I think you need to go to you GP, tell him your fears, write it down if you can't talk to him. Tell him you snap, have no patience, cry etc and you need help. Hopefully he/she will get you onto another safer medication. Explain you wish to try for another child and want a safe medication. Also a referal to a perinatal team, although they may not do this till you are pregnant.
You need a CPN also i think. The AD the team put me on was sertraline which is safe'ish during pregnancy and breast feeding aparently.
Another port of call would be your health visitor. Tell her how you re feeling. I called social services to ask for help, and they refered me onto the schools(my children are 6,4,2, so two sch age)family suport worker who has been amazing.
Sure start are good, and HV can refer you to them i think.
As are Homestart, again HV will refer. They have volunteers who come in once or twice a week for a few hours, help with shopping, taking DD out while you have a bath etc. And most run 'groups' where you go, DD goes into a creche and you get to do arts and crafts, parenting course's etc. Our local one have been a god send.
Getting yourself to mother and toddler groups might help as well. I know its easier said than done when you are low and dont want to get dressed etc, but a coffee with mums and talk can help.

I honestly do know how you are feeling...well i know how im feeling and feel a lot of my issues are simalar to yours. I am terrified when hubby goes to work i wont cope and lose it. Granted I dont have the issue of trying for a baby, but we would love another child however we have so many factors to look at despite my BPD(i've got problems with my hips and knees and in a wheelchair/on sticks most of the time comatosed on the sofa on pain meds)
If you need to talk i'm here. Wish i knew where you were/lived closer and id invite you round for a cuppa and a hug. xxxx

Thank you, I really do appreciate the replies. Yes, I need to speak to my GP. Luckily she is fab and spotted me coming a mile off last time even though I said I was ok. Last time I was advised to print out the MN thread I had asked for help on as I couldn't actually tell her that anything was wrong. It was good advice, I may do the same again. When I feel ok I feel like a fraud but I know how quickly it changes and I can't keep doing it to DH and DD. And my periods of feeling ok are short.

madmouse, I was offered counselling but refused it. I am rubbish at talking, have seen a psychologist in the past but barely said a word. She gave up on me...

Zoe, thank you for the advice, so many people in RL think it's just a case of pulling yourself together and if I do mention it to anyone, which is rare, you can see that they just don't understand. Actually, have just remembered that my job share had serious PND which lasted years and she now lectures on it. I must talk to her more, even to get things off my chest.

GDYWF, yes we've been on threads together before. I guess that's another indication that I need to sort this once and for all.